I will start this post of by saying that pre ED i used to LOVE shopping. And that would be shopping for clothes, make up, books or just any random stuff for myself and others. Literally every saturday i would drag my mum into town or one of my friends to go and look at all the shops. Now, i woulden’t sat that hobby is completely lost but i could say that it is hidden as i now hate going into town. I still like looking at all the clothes but i would never try anything on now like i used to. I would just walk past anything without a second glance if i did like it and say to myself “you would never look good in those clothes, they are for other people, not you.” It is weird because somehow i have got it stuck into my brain that i am not very desearving of nice new clothes or other things. And i don’t desearve to have a good time either. Usually if i did have a good day then i would feel extremely guilty later that day or the next day because there is something inside me that just tells me i don’t deserve to be happy.
I also struggle with my body image like most anorexics and bulimics and i think it is fair to say that almost everyone has something they don’t like about themselves whether it is small or big. I know i haven’t met someone who absolutely loves everything about their body and themselves and are just super confident all the time. But i think for me it went to a whole new level. I hated everything about my body and myself and i always think i am fat. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore because i just dislike what i see. And i would rather just ignore that there is a mirror there because it just upsets me too much. It also frustrates me how there is a huge difference to how i see myself and how other people see me. I don’t think i have ever seen the “real me” when i have struggled with my ED. I always have something that is “imperfect” or “not right.”
I only ever really go shopping if it is for something i need. Like in december my sisters took me shopping to buy new clothes because the ones i had where literally falling off me and they wanted me to feel at least somewhat mice on christmas. And then since then last Friday was the last time i went shopping and i diden’t really want to go if i am being honest. I diden’t feel like i needed to really. It was for my mums birthday party and i really don’t have any clothes that i feel good in at all so my sister decided to take me shopping again. I do like going with my sister because i feel confident enough telling her what i want. Like i don’t want to show my arms and legs off too much because those are the points that i don’t feel comfortable for people to see.
So, yesterday morning i was having a bit of a clothing chrisis. Well, like i do every morning actually. I feel hidious in absolutely all my clothes which i am sure is not all that normal. So in the afternoon, i was getting a bit fed up being stuck inside so i decided to venture outside and go to new look. Now, even walking in that shop on my own is a pretty big deal for me. I had no intension of buying anything really but i guess i just wanted to take a look to see if i still do like shopping.
As i was browsing through everything, i saw the most nicest trousers ever and guess what?! I wasen’t going to try them on in the changeing rooms because it is like mirror city in their and it just overwhelms me too much. So i just thought “what the heck.” And bought them!!! All on my own with no one with me! A bought a cardigan as well that i liked the look of because i thought i could do with something long sleeved. Oh, and the best bit is, the trousers where reduced by £13. Bargain! So i took my purchases home and i must say this is where i did get a bit upset and guilty with myself for buying those nice things because i have always taught myself that those clothes are made for other people to buy not me.
Now what i write about next is going to be kind of hard to write just because i know people won’t understand. And i don’t really understand it myself but i can deffinately say that i do do things that sound logical at the time but they are not.But i think it would be good to write it down anyway so that maybe i can come back and look at it another day just to see that i was slightly irrational.
When i got home i was panicking at this time because of what i had bought. And when my mum asked me what i had bought i woulden’t tell her. I don’t know why, i just wouldent. In the end that was all i could really think about so i just ended up crying and crying. I had decided to myself that i wasen’t going to try on any of the clothes i had bought and i would just ask my mum to take them back a different day. In the end i found my mum and asked her if i deserved to have new clothes. And obviously she said of course you do. You haven’t had anything new in ages. I guess that made me feel a bit better but i was still slightly doubtful. My mum did get me to try on the clothes eventually and i found that i actually really liked them so i kept them!
So something good really has come out of the bad. I know for a fact that i woulden’t have been able to do that even a month ago so it is a mega achievement. I am so happy with myself that i managed t0 do it.
This post has got pretty long now but i hope people can see that they do desearve nice new things. And you shoulden’t be ashamed of yourself for buying something new once in a while.