shopping, clothing disasters and achievements.

I will start this post of by saying that pre ED i used to LOVE shopping. And that would be shopping for clothes, make up, books or just any random stuff for myself and others. Literally every saturday i would drag my mum into town or one of my friends to go and look at all the shops. Now, i woulden’t sat that hobby is completely lost but i could say that it is hidden as i now hate going into town. I still like looking at all the clothes but i would never try anything on now like i used to. I would just walk past anything without a second glance if i did like it and say to myself “you would never look good in those clothes, they are for other people, not you.” It is weird because somehow i have got it stuck into my brain that i am not very desearving of nice new clothes or other things. And i don’t desearve to have a good time either. Usually if i did have a good day then i would feel extremely guilty later that day or the next day because there is something inside me that just tells me i don’t deserve to be happy.

I also struggle with my body image like most anorexics and bulimics and i think it is fair to say that almost everyone has something they don’t like about themselves whether it is small or big. I know i haven’t met someone who absolutely loves everything about their body and themselves and are just super confident all the time. But i think for me it went to a whole new level. I hated everything about my body and myself and i always think i am fat. I can’t even look in the mirror anymore because i just dislike what i see. And i would rather just ignore that there is a mirror there because it just upsets me too much. It also frustrates me how there is a huge difference to how i see myself and how other people see me. I don’t think i have ever seen the “real me” when i have struggled with my ED. I always have something that is “imperfect” or “not right.”

I only ever really go shopping if it is for something i need. Like in december my sisters took me shopping to buy new clothes because the ones i had where literally falling off me and they wanted me to feel at least somewhat mice on christmas. And then since then last Friday was the last time i went shopping and i diden’t really want to go if i am being honest. I diden’t feel like i needed to really. It was for my mums birthday party and i really don’t have any clothes that i feel good in at all so my sister decided to take me shopping again. I do like going with my sister because i feel confident enough telling her what i want. Like i don’t want to show my arms and legs off too much because those are the points that i don’t feel comfortable for people to see.

So, yesterday morning i was having a bit of a clothing chrisis. Well, like i do every morning actually. I feel hidious in absolutely all my clothes which i am sure is not all that normal. So in the afternoon, i was getting a bit fed up being stuck inside so i decided to venture outside and go to new look. Now, even walking in that shop on my own is a pretty big deal for me. I had no intension of buying anything really but i guess i just wanted to take a look to see if i still do like shopping.

As i was browsing through everything, i saw the most nicest trousers ever and guess what?! I wasen’t going to try them on in the changeing rooms because it is like mirror city in their and it just overwhelms me too much. So i just thought “what the heck.” And bought them!!! All on my own with no one with me! A bought a cardigan as well that i liked the look of because i thought i could do with something long sleeved. Oh, and the best bit is, the trousers where reduced by £13. Bargain! So i took my purchases home and i must say this is where i did get a bit upset and guilty with myself for buying those nice things because i have always taught myself that those clothes are made for other people to buy not me.

Now what i write about next is going to be kind of hard to write just because i know people won’t understand. And i don’t really understand it myself but i can deffinately say that i do do things that sound logical at the time but they are not.But i think it would be good to write it down anyway so that maybe i can come back and look at it another day just to see that i was slightly irrational.

When i got home i was panicking at this time because of what i had bought. And when my mum asked me what i had bought i woulden’t tell her. I don’t know why, i just wouldent. In the end that was all i could really think about so i just ended up crying and crying. I had decided to myself that i wasen’t going to try on any of the clothes i had bought and i would just ask my mum to take them back a different day. In the end i found my mum and asked her if i deserved to have new clothes. And obviously she said of course you do. You haven’t had anything new in ages. I guess that made me feel a bit better but i was still slightly doubtful. My mum did get me to try on the clothes eventually and i found that i actually really liked them so i kept them!

So something good really has come out of the bad. I know for a fact that i woulden’t have been able to do that even a month ago so it is a mega achievement. I am so happy with myself that i managed t0 do it.

This post has got pretty long now but i hope people can see that they do desearve nice new things. And you shoulden’t be ashamed of yourself for buying something new once in a while.


3 thoughts on “shopping, clothing disasters and achievements.

  1. Hi, i don’t know you and you don’t know me haha, but i just wanted to say i totally understand what you mean about feeling like you don’t deserve things, i felt like that too, like on Christmas Day i nearly had a meltdown because i didn’t feel like i deserved any of the lovely presents i got! The thing is though, we DO deserve lovely things, just like everyone else in the world!! I am finally allowing myself to enjoy shopping for and owning new possessions. I hope you can too, don’t let the eating disorder make you feel horrible. Sending you strength and hugs xx

    • Hello, thank you for your lovely comment. I totally agree with you that everyone deserves to have nice new things every once in a while and we are no different. I am so glad to hear that you now enjoy getting new things and it is not upsetting for you anymore. It just shows that eating disorders are alot more than just not eating. Xx

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