Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

Hey everyone.

Ok, I would just like to say I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in ages and I really hope it’s ok that I took a little break. I didn’t mean to just dissappear off the face of the earth, that’s just kind of the way it turned out so I am really sorry about that. I don’t really know what to say to be honest. I guess I will start with the non- complicated things.

I have been off college for about 5 weeks now and I have decided that I don’t want to go back there. I really did not enjoy the course there at all and the people there were just plain rude. Someone wrote on facebook about me that it is like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to me and they are glad I won’t be there next year. Haha, that gave me such a boost of confidence. So, I have signed up for another course at a different college and this is an animal care course.

This is so complicated though my head hurts just thinking about it. The thing is, I absolutely love animals and I have always, always wanted to work with them. And now at this very moment in time I am consumed by my mental illness. Ever since I signed up for the animal course one minute I would want to go and then the next minute I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to live, breathe, feed myself, clothe myself or even have a shower. That’s kind of where I am at at the moment. I honestly feel like I have hit the absolute bottom.

Gosh, I have so much to say I feel like I am not making any sense :/ So, the other day, me and my dad had a massive argument about college how I don’t want to go and I would rather die than go. And I think that might be a lot of anxiety. Recently I have been so scared to even go out the house. I am scared that people will be staring at me and also that I will make a fool of myself. And I am terrified of starting a new college because I know I won’t make any friends at all. If you read through my posts this time last year, I was all positive about going to college but I was still very anxious. That positiveity did nothing for me. I couldn’t make friends because those people were just not like me and it is going to be exactly the same at this new college.

Moving on, I have had a lot of difficulties since when I last posted. In February, I quit seeing my therapist because I thought she wasen’t helping me anymore and I didn’t want her help anyway. I don’t really know what I was feeling back then to be honest. I don’t know if I wanted to recover or not. Anyway, I carried on seeing my phsycyatrist and I have also been having family therapy which has been useful but also quite hard. And then about two months ago my phsychyatrist left and now I have a new one. And I have seen this new one for about three sessions. He seems alright I guess but I don’t know. He asked me a very interesting question last week. He asked: do you want to recover? It was really odd because I tried to say yes but the word just woulden’t come out so I said I don’t know. Im still trying to work it out now but I am pretty sure I don’t want to recover. Not because I like being like this. I don’t actually know why. It’s absurd right?! Who actually wants to stay in this hell? Clearly me. Maybe that’s because I think I deserve it.

Since I haven’t seen my therapist since February, my phsychyatrist asked if we could set up some councelling sessions for me. Something I really do NOT want to do but my mum wants me to do it because I know she really, really wants me to get better. So, im on the list for councelling, im not sure when that will start but I am extremely nervous. One good thing has happened while all this has been going on though. I meantioned earlier that it’s been a struggle to get me out the house because I am so anxious. Socially anxious mostly but other things as well like being in small places, being too hot outside to wear long sleeves ect. Anyway, about a month ago, I signed up to do volunteer work at a charity. And I never thought that they would actually take me on but she did! And I have been there three times now every Wednesday morning and so far I have enjoyed it.

I will talk more about it tomorrow I think 🙂 (gosh so much to catch up on!!) I think I am going to go and get some sleep now, basically I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and I hope everyone has been well. Ooh, I also got nominated for an award while I was away which was exciting! I will do a post about that but I don’t know how long it will be. I still have so much to say.

I hope everyone is well

Lots of love

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One thought on “Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

  1. Welcome back! it’s so good to hear from you again.

    Animal care sounds like a good choice for you – best of luck with it.

    I think you’ve probably hit the nail on the head by saying maybe you don’t think that you deserve to be better. That’s certainly how I used to feel deep down, so deep down that I barely knew the feeling was there, hurting me. I wish I could make that feeling go away for you. The best I can do is to say that unless you’re a mass murderer, you don’t deserve to feel like this! No one deserves to feel so awful they can’t move. No one.

    I’ll be thinking of you.

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