Eating disorder update (possibly triggering content)

Hello,

I feel really stuck in my eating disorder recovery at the moment. I keep getting into a cycle of purging every few months and I know that wasn’t as bad as it used to be but that is also where it started. I feel absolutely disgusted constantly about my body and I feel unhealthy all of the time. Last night I purged and I now feel like I might never move away from purging even though I am probably eating a good amount. What happens if I can’t stop and then I will purge every few months for the rest of my life? What happens if I feel completely repulsed by my body for the rest of my life? I can’t ever seeing myself liking myself or accepting the fact that EVERYONE must eat food to live.

There are some things I really am looking forward to but at the same time I am 1000% anxious about them. I don’t want to jinx this (probably have now) but last year when I started college I have met the most supportive person ever. She knows about my anxiety and my anorexia and she is SO encouraging and I cannot thank her enough for that. Last year at college I missed out on a lot of trips because of my anxiety and I missed out on the end of year summer ball and parties and so many other things. But I am so thankful that this year my wonderful and supportive friend is not taking no for an answer. She says I am going to the summer ball and that is final (which means getting drunk and camping with all my friends in a tent) She begged me to go on a school trip to Holland where it is six days away and you visit six zoos and go on a bike tour :O It sounds absolutely incredible and today I have given in my deposit. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS. So the fact is I need to be well for this trip, I need to be well for all of my friends partys which I am NOT missing out on this year. I am 18 and I bloody deserve a life without anorexia and anxiety taunting in my ear every second of everyday.

All of my plans for this year scare me so much. Because what if I can’t do it and what if my eating disorder does get in the way? How will I ever make myself believe that having my own life is so much better than having a controlled life with anorexia, depression and anxiety? I am so scared, scared that I might never fully recover and scared that I don’t deserve to go to party’s and go on holidays and be free. There is a good part of me that thinks I deserve to be away from this horrible “life” I have been living and then the bad part of me says I deserve to suffer, I deserve pain and everyone in this world hates me. I am a huge regret.

I think that is all I will say for today and I hope you all have a lovely evening

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3 thoughts on “Eating disorder update (possibly triggering content)

  1. You have nothing to prove; no one to impress, whether you accomplish a little or a lot, big or small, don’t pressurise yourself into doing anything or feeling guilty. Just be you, focus on what you want, try not to worry about what others think. You are in control of your happiness, try to have a little faith in yourself xx

  2. Dealing with an eating disorder like you I really understand how you feel and what you are going through. It has taken me a long time and a lot of getting to know myself to feel better a little each day. Also like you, I have been blogging my journey. I’m hoping that by doing this I can help myself as well as other people. If you want to check it out you can at http://halfassinghappy.wordpress.com

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