Today I wanted to talk to you all about challenging yourself in a HEALTHY way. I think that anyone with any type of mental illness has fallen victim to punishing themselves and setting themselves too high a goals which they cannot achieve. I know personally my goals were ridiculous, to be friends with everyone and to be happy and bubbly all of the time. So in the end I was exhausted and wearing myself out and my anorexia got stronger and stronger until I felt oh this is great, I am losing weight finally something I can be good at. Of course in time I found myself as unhappy as ever and so I entered recovery and have been trying to find new ways of challenging myself that do not include unachievable goals or physically and mentally harming myself.
This next week marks a very important week for me in my recovery because my parents left for France yesterday evening for 10 days. I got ever so anxious yesterday and when I get anxious I scream because I don’t let the thoughts come in. So I am just sat with an anxious feeling and I have no idea why. But yesterday was one of the easier times where I could link my anxiety to a big event and sometimes I can’t do that. So, after I had calmed down a little bit I thought to myself… This is a REALLY BIG positive step. I am challenging myself from being away from my mum so I have to take care and responsibility of my own recovery. This is a huge positive and healthy challenge because I am not going to be punishing myself and I have set myself an achievable goal and if I don’t quite manage then no harm is actually done. I am still going to feel accomplished because being away from my parents is already half of the challenged ticked already.
So I wanted to share with you a few other little challenges that I have/want to achieve. I do lots of planning of these kinds of challenges and it makes me feel SO GOOD once I have finished them. Like I didn’t know I could have such a confidence boost just by doing my favourite hobby regularly or doing homework tasks set by my therapist. You will see these goals are not entirely food related but some are because I like to have a mixture. The one thing they all have in common is health and well being related. Here are my goals:
To make my friendship bracelets whenever I have a few spare minutes in the day
To give in my job application forms (already done this one!)
To go horse riding as regularly as possible. I love horse riding but sometimes it’s a lot of effort to make myself go. Just because my negative voices are very loud and recently I seem to have lost interest in nearly all of my hobbies. But horse riding is something that actually makes me feel good about and it is a challenge to make myself go so that is why it is on here
To put effort into my mindfulness practice and to do it at least three times a week
To go back to college in September (That’s a huge one and I have knots in my stomach just thinking about it!)
To make the effort to have lunch out with any family member each week. This is an important one because I have found that I absolutely love having lunch with my mum. I can talk to her about therapy and any worries I might have and because it is at a time and day that we have planned to have lunch then I can plan what to say and I find that very useful because if we didn’t do that then there wouldn’t be another time that I feel more comfortable talking to her. Because at my house it is busy busy busy!
To make sure I keep writing to my pen pals
To make sure I look after myself. Wash my face, put a bit of make up on, use my perfume, use my favourite shower gel and body lotion. Hand cream and foot cream. When I was deep into my illness I wouldn’t do any of this. My hands and lips were completely cracked and bleeding because I refused to look after myself. Now I wake up feeling like I want to get out of bed and have a nice day just because it feels a bit nicer being in my skin.
To walk my dogs everyday
So those are all of my goals and challenges to make me feel like I have a purpose to my life and I am not just floating around doing nothing. I have ambitions and I want a proper life and hopefully my goals will help me towards that. What are your personal challenges/goals? I would love to hear them.
Hello, I have decided to start up my blog again as I stopped posting for a long long time. I have decided that it will be a bit like last time, I will just talk a bit about my recovery and also I will post some recipes because one thing you should know about me is that I just LOVE to cook and bake! So, to those new readers and to everyone actually I thought I would do a little introductory post. I won’t say my name just yet for privacy reasons but I am 19, I love cooking and baking as I mentioned earlier, I also love horse riding and I love doing little crafty projects like making cards and bracelets and little things like that. I am in recovery from anorexia and I have been in recovery for four years now. Since I last posted a lot has happened but I shall just give you a quick overview. Everything was going really well at one point, I was at a good stable weight and I was going to college, going to party’s, had such lovely friends. But then around Christmas time 2014 I started to relapse but I didn’t listen to anyone saying it was my eating disorder in control, I didn’t think I was ill again of course because that is what anorexia does to you. It clouds your judgement and it makes your world so tiny that you have no one but each other. Eventually things took a turn for the worse and I was admitted to an adult psychiatric ward in February 2015. Luckily they don’t like keeping the patients there for months at a time. They like to get them better as soon as is possible and then have them recover at home in the community. There was a time when I was going to be transferred to a specialised eating disorder unit which is miles away from where I live and I would have had to have stayed there for 4-6 months but luckily I complied with my meal plan eventually and then I only had to stay in hospital for 5 and a half weeks. I have been out of hospital for roughly two months now and things are really going well. I still have bad days of course because recovery isn’t all about the ups, it is about the downs as well. But the main thing is that I am plodding along and I have absolutely no desire to go back into hospital which is why I shall be sticking to my meal plan in the long future. This was just a short update post to say hello. And I might even put another post up later today. If you have any questions feel free to ask me, goodbye for now 🙂
Maisie is definitely another reason of why I want to recover and for all of my other animals because they need me to be well enough to look after them and slowly I will get there. I need to do some college work today and then I have a driving lesson so hopefully that will be good. I may even do some baking if I feel like it.
I feel really stuck in my eating disorder recovery at the moment. I keep getting into a cycle of purging every few months and I know that wasn’t as bad as it used to be but that is also where it started. I feel absolutely disgusted constantly about my body and I feel unhealthy all of the time. Last night I purged and I now feel like I might never move away from purging even though I am probably eating a good amount. What happens if I can’t stop and then I will purge every few months for the rest of my life? What happens if I feel completely repulsed by my body for the rest of my life? I can’t ever seeing myself liking myself or accepting the fact that EVERYONE must eat food to live.
There are some things I really am looking forward to but at the same time I am 1000% anxious about them. I don’t want to jinx this (probably have now) but last year when I started college I have met the most supportive person ever. She knows about my anxiety and my anorexia and she is SO encouraging and I cannot thank her enough for that. Last year at college I missed out on a lot of trips because of my anxiety and I missed out on the end of year summer ball and parties and so many other things. But I am so thankful that this year my wonderful and supportive friend is not taking no for an answer. She says I am going to the summer ball and that is final (which means getting drunk and camping with all my friends in a tent) She begged me to go on a school trip to Holland where it is six days away and you visit six zoos and go on a bike tour :O It sounds absolutely incredible and today I have given in my deposit. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS. So the fact is I need to be well for this trip, I need to be well for all of my friends partys which I am NOT missing out on this year. I am 18 and I bloody deserve a life without anorexia and anxiety taunting in my ear every second of everyday.
All of my plans for this year scare me so much. Because what if I can’t do it and what if my eating disorder does get in the way? How will I ever make myself believe that having my own life is so much better than having a controlled life with anorexia, depression and anxiety? I am so scared, scared that I might never fully recover and scared that I don’t deserve to go to party’s and go on holidays and be free. There is a good part of me that thinks I deserve to be away from this horrible “life” I have been living and then the bad part of me says I deserve to suffer, I deserve pain and everyone in this world hates me. I am a huge regret.
I think that is all I will say for today and I hope you all have a lovely evening
I am currently sipping on a chamomile tea to try and ease my stomach. I don’t know what it is but for the past few days I have been feeling really sick and having stomach pains after I eat. I was thinking this evening that it is possibly anxiety as I can’t think of any other reason why it would be like that and I do spend a lot of my time worrying.
Talking about anxiety, my sister has recently been diagnosed with having anxiety just like me and it makes me sad that she has to go through all of that as well. I wish there was something I could do to help her and we were talking about it last night. It’s nice that we both have someone close to us that understands but I just want all of her pain to go away. She has had to deal with some very personal issues and it’s not fair for her to have to deal with all of this on top of that. If I could take away that pain for her and give it to me instead then i definitely would.
Mondays are my days of from college and in the morning I go into the cattery. It was lovely to see all of the cats, it’s just not so nice that I feel down all of the times and I hate that sometimes animals don’t help that. I have been feeling so large recently and that I just don’t need this food but I am trying to carry on as best as I can. The two thoughts I hold onto is that if I go deep back into anorexia then I will not be able to finish my college course which I love doing so much and I certainly will not be able to look after my animals and they deserve to be looked after the best that there is.
Monday is usually the day that I go swimming but I just did not feel up to it today. I feel very guilty about that but sometimes these things are for the best. I shouldn’t be exercising to stop myself from feeling guilty instead I should be exercising because I WANT to exercise and that is the ultimate aim.
I haven’t used this blog for such a long long time and I don’t know if anyone will ever read my posts but I have decided to come back. This blog really helped me when I was struggling with my thoughts and with food. Luckily I am not struggling as much as I once was with food but unfortunately my depression has taken over and I would like a place to document my highs and lows.
I’m not really sure what to say at the moment because I don’t know if anyone will read this but this evening I will post how my day has gone etc and just get some of my thoughts out as I struggle extremely with bottling everything inside.