I thought I would do a little page on my story of having anorexia and now recovering from anorexia. It is very difficult to know where to start but I think I shall start with the fact that I have always struggled with my body because I don’t remember a time when my body shape wasn’t an issue on my mind. I remember in primary school I was very tall and I was the second tallest in the whole school at one point. I think things like that, me standing out from everyone really got to me and I didn’t like it at all. I remember just wanting to faid back and not really wanting to be recognised. I think that is also because I was bullied a lot throughout primary school and secondary school. I think my school days were just not a happy time for me at all.
When I started secondary school I think that was when I really didn’t like myself and every word the bullies would say I started to listen and believe. I struggled a lot with food probably from the age of 10/11. I remember all through my teenage years I would struggle with not eating and then being so starving and then eating and it all went round in a viscious circle. Although during that time period I was never underweight although I was probably just the minimum of a healthy weight.
When I was 15, that was when things really became a problem and eventually I reached out to one of my school teachers for help. She urged me to go to the doctors and to tell my mum. I didn’t tell my mum in the end, she did it herself and I the time I was so extremely angry but now I am so grateful for it. Things got A LOT worse and I needed my mum so much for support and guidence.
Eventually I was diagnosed with having anorexia purging subtype when I was 15. I was still at a healthy weight then but this is round abouts where that part started going downhill. Just before I was diognosed I started therapy and I hated it. I hated the woman, I hated being looked at so patronisingly I just didn’t like anything at all. I think some of the subjects were really difficult for me to handle and so it all took it’s time but in the end I lost a lot of weight and suddenly I was being told that if I lost more weight then I would be going into hospital. Everything was very awful at this point, the relationships with my family and also the relationships with my friends. I didn’t really have many friends at this point because I pushed them all out as that’s what anorexia wants you to do. It wants you to be alone so then it has you all to itself.
I think it must have been around February of 2011 when I started to make changes in my life and I wanted to do well in my exams which were coming up so I managed to turn it around. I managed to eat and to get out of the dangerous place that I was in and then when I had finished all of my exams I decided to leave school and have a “fresh start” as they call it. I managed to get up to a healthy weight by the time September rolled around and actually between September 2011 and October 2014 I did pretty well. I had bumps and dips but i really think that is expected in recovery. You can expect not to have a few hard days and when you do you can pick yourself back up and remind yourself of why you started recovery in the first place.
In September 2013 was when I started my animal management college course and I loved it so much. I even allowed myself to gain a bit of extra weight because I was so happy and content with life. I had such lovely friends and I volunteered at a cattery which I loved so much. October/November of 2014 was when my bad days weren’t only bad days but they were turning into bad weeks and bad months. I was very stressed I think because I wanted to be like a “normal teenager” I wanted to go out to partys, eat whatever I wanted, drink alcohol and generally just have fun but I could’t do that. I remember feeling like I was a waste of a person a waste of life which is when I started losing weight again and to cut a long story short in February 2015 I was admitted to a general phsychiatric hospital. I had to stay there for five and a half weeks and it was probably the worst experience I have ever had. I won’t go into that bit right now because i feel like it is a seperate story so maybe I will tell you another day.
I was discharged from the hospital in March and I desperately wanted to get back to college afterwards. I love college so much but in my heart of hearts if I am being truthful I only wanted to go back to please my parents. I thought they would hate me being at home so I had no other option. I did two half days at college but the second day was when I came back crying my eyes out because it felt like the whole world had moved on without me. It is so strange being in hospital because it feels like everything else has stopped but it hasn’t at all. I had a really wonderful talk with my dietician on that day I remember and I decided not to finish collegefor this year. I decided to go and find some voluntary work which will hopefully help with my social skills and then I am going to go back to college in September.
Sorry this was so long and there was only a little bit about the actual eating disorder. I wanted this page to be not 100% on anorexia because this whole blog is about me rebuilding my life after anorexia. I am not the illness, I am a lot more than that and so are you.