I shall be posting a recipe later on today but first I wanted to do a little post about my lunch that I had yesterday. Me and my mum love going out for lunch so we decided to make it a regular occurrence and we usually go once a week depending on how busy we both are. It’s lovely to spend some time with my mum and also I sometimes meet her before/after therapy so it puts me in a good mood. We have two favourite cafes now but we want to find new places to go because it’s always nice to go somewhere different!
The place I went to yesterday was actually a shop and they have a cafe on the top floor. I think lots of places do that now actually and I like going there because then I can look at all of the kitchen/craft stuff when I am finished 😉 Yesterday I felt like a toasted sandwich and I hadn’t actually seen them do toasted sandwiches before but maybe that is because I wasn’t looking? I chose a cheese and tomato toastie and it was delish.
And then for pudding we both got a cake and I got the coffee and walnut cake which is one of my favourite ever flavours. I have also had the chocolate brownie there before as well. I think I like my chocolate things 😉 I shall have to try the chocolate cake next time I go. I have always been eyeing it up but I think that saying you eat with your eyes is true. Because once my dad bought a cake slice and I just wouldn’t have chosen to eat it because it looked just a bit boring but I had it and it was actually very tasty. I don’t know I think that I do usually make such a fuss if my food doesn’t look tasty I think that is definitely something I need to work on! But I don’t think it is a specific eating disorder thing. I think it is a me being silly thing! Ramble over… Here was my cake.
I did enjoy it but it was very very dense. It wasn’t light and fluffy and my mum said that my homemade cakes are 1000x better. I think a bake session is in order this weekend 😉 Something different will be happening next week. Something different and scary. On Tuesday I am going out for lunch but I am not going with my mum, I am going with my dad. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship and my illness has made it worse. The other day I was just talking with my dad and suddenly I asked him out for lunch. I am not one to be so forward but I did it and I am actually very proud. Me and my dad don’t really do anything together and if we do then my mum is always there. So I hope that this will be a good time to bond and also it will be out of the house and at my favourite cafe so I think (I hope) that I will feel relaxed because most times I don’t feel relaxed at home and that’s when the conflict starts.
I think I am making important steps and I am quite proud of myself which one day I won’t be ashamed of saying! Eating lunch out is getting a little bit easier each week and I think it just proves that if you try then you will succeed. I am aware that most people might not go out for lunch once a week but I think for me it is helping challenging myself and it helps putting an hour aside each week so me and my mum can have a good chat in a calm and relaxed environment which unfortunately is not home at the moment but it will be. Just take each day as it comes.
I feel really stuck in my eating disorder recovery at the moment. I keep getting into a cycle of purging every few months and I know that wasn’t as bad as it used to be but that is also where it started. I feel absolutely disgusted constantly about my body and I feel unhealthy all of the time. Last night I purged and I now feel like I might never move away from purging even though I am probably eating a good amount. What happens if I can’t stop and then I will purge every few months for the rest of my life? What happens if I feel completely repulsed by my body for the rest of my life? I can’t ever seeing myself liking myself or accepting the fact that EVERYONE must eat food to live.
There are some things I really am looking forward to but at the same time I am 1000% anxious about them. I don’t want to jinx this (probably have now) but last year when I started college I have met the most supportive person ever. She knows about my anxiety and my anorexia and she is SO encouraging and I cannot thank her enough for that. Last year at college I missed out on a lot of trips because of my anxiety and I missed out on the end of year summer ball and parties and so many other things. But I am so thankful that this year my wonderful and supportive friend is not taking no for an answer. She says I am going to the summer ball and that is final (which means getting drunk and camping with all my friends in a tent) She begged me to go on a school trip to Holland where it is six days away and you visit six zoos and go on a bike tour :O It sounds absolutely incredible and today I have given in my deposit. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS. So the fact is I need to be well for this trip, I need to be well for all of my friends partys which I am NOT missing out on this year. I am 18 and I bloody deserve a life without anorexia and anxiety taunting in my ear every second of everyday.
All of my plans for this year scare me so much. Because what if I can’t do it and what if my eating disorder does get in the way? How will I ever make myself believe that having my own life is so much better than having a controlled life with anorexia, depression and anxiety? I am so scared, scared that I might never fully recover and scared that I don’t deserve to go to party’s and go on holidays and be free. There is a good part of me that thinks I deserve to be away from this horrible “life” I have been living and then the bad part of me says I deserve to suffer, I deserve pain and everyone in this world hates me. I am a huge regret.
I think that is all I will say for today and I hope you all have a lovely evening
I haven’t used this blog for such a long long time and I don’t know if anyone will ever read my posts but I have decided to come back. This blog really helped me when I was struggling with my thoughts and with food. Luckily I am not struggling as much as I once was with food but unfortunately my depression has taken over and I would like a place to document my highs and lows.
I’m not really sure what to say at the moment because I don’t know if anyone will read this but this evening I will post how my day has gone etc and just get some of my thoughts out as I struggle extremely with bottling everything inside.
My day today has been totally rubbish. I have been a poorly pig practically all day! I had a nice long sleep till 10:30 and I woke up with a mild stomach ache. I thought it would be fine and it would just go soon. Hell was I wrong. I went downstairs to get breakfast and I was in absolute agony. Then after my breakfast of weetabix and painkillers I took myself upstairs and started to run a bath. I thought I would be okay after I had a bath but I was still awful so I lay in bed. And I didn’t get out of bed till 2:00. Result. My dogs were so cute though. They could tell I wasen’t feeling good and they both took it in turns to lie on the end of my bed. And then when no-one was in the house and I was left on my own, they both lay on the end of my bed together. What sweeties they are.
This was my lunch today:
Honey and parsnip soup with a slice of wholemeal bread.
It was absolutely yummy! Seasonal soup to get me in the Christmas spirit. And then after lunch, I had my first ever family therapy appointment. My mum came along as well and to be honest, we didn’t really know what to expect. I am glad to say though, that it actually went quite well! At the end of the session she said that she thought I had done amazingly well with all the talking. And I was quite happy that I managed to talk quite a bit. Mainly we just spoke about family relationships and we also spoke about the anxiety in the family. Like how anxiety affects the whole family and how people react about my illness and stuff like that. I think I felt a lot more relaxed than I do in a normal therapy session because it wasen’t all food related.
Also, last Tuesday my phschiatrist said he would give the family therapist information about the anti depressant he had picked out for me to take. So I got that today as well. I have had a little look and he has given me a choice of two. The first one is Mirtazapine which is especially good for sleep problems the leaflet says and then the second one is Sertraline which is good for anxiety.
Now, anyone who is reading this who has taken any of these medications I would really like some feedback. Did they work? Did they not work? Were they helpfull? Were the side effects strong? I have sort of decided that I don’t want to take Mirtazapine. This is because one of the side effects is increased appetite which causes weight gain. When I read this I did get a bit freaked out. So for anyone who has been on Mirtzapine particulaly, please tell me your opinions.
I had an appointment with my therapist and phsycologist yesterday. Basically we were just talking about everything and it has come to everyones attention that now the eating side of things has become managable, my depression and anxiety is coming through a lot more. Me and my mum were both thinking that I have most likely been depressed for years and years. I just didn’t feel it like I do now. I never had those thoughts of wanting to harm myself or anything so that’s why I thought I was fine.
We just didn’t know that it would come back and bite me as hard as it possibly could when I have got the food thing under control. I didn’t think that this was going to happen. I actually thought that when my food issue was sorted out well not completely sorted out but manageable like how it is now, I thought I would be well on my way to recovery. It turns out that that is not the case and I have actually got to fight both my anxiety and depression.
The doctors thought I would feel better once I started taking anti depressents and once I started eating again. Well they got that wrong didn’t they. Things are manageble but I am no where near okay. To be honest I have almost lost all hope that I will ever get better again. The deal was yesterday that I can stay on the anti depressents I have got and have a higher doseage or I can change anti depressents completely. I decided to change. I am not happy with the ones I am on at all. Yes I do feel like they might have helped, but when you think before I started taking them I never used to get a single suicidel thought and now I get them all the time. Multiple times a day and it’s scary.
There is nothing scarier than having thoughts that you want to end your life and even planning it out. It doesn’t feel like me. It feels like something inside me is controlling me. And that’s depression. It’s taking over and I am absolutely terrified, never have I been more scared in my entire life. So I am coming off fluoxetine now and then I will try a new one in a few weeks time. I don’t know what the name of this new one is but he said he would send us information about it so I could see if that is the one I want to take or if not he will pick another one out for me.
I did get angry and upset in yesterdays appoinment as well. I was in such an uncomfortable position so I said that they never gave me a chance whether to start on anti depressents or not and basically it was all their fault that I have ended up like this. I just want to be better and I never thought there would be another huge obstacle to overcome.
Sorry for not ever posting consistanly. I just want to warn you that this post might be a little depressing as that is exactly how I am feeling right now.
Basically, I am having an on-going battle with my depression. One minute im fine and I just want to stop taking my anti depressants and then the next minute I am tired, irritated and basically all I want to do is lie down on my bed in my room. Depressing, I know. Well, I don’t really like taking anti depressants just because I don’t agree with them. I just don’t think it’s right even though I know they have helped loads of people. I have been taking mine on and off ever since I got them really. Right now I am back on them. I only have been for ten days though so they are not working yet.
I stopped taking them about a month ago for about three weeks just because I felt fine and dident think I needed to take them anymore. And then slowly I was falling into that depressed state of mind and feeling so hopeless and not knowing what to do ever. Until adventually I decided to give them another go. Sixth time lucky? Well I actually feel awful this morning. It’s taken me about an hour to just get up and I just feel so hopeless and useless.
I don’t even know what the point of this post is to be honest.. I am not even able to ramble on like I used to 😦
I hope everyone has a good day today and maybe I will post this evening.