Little update

Hello everyone,

I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.

My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦

Have a lovely evening   

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A bit about my week

Hello,

I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little.
So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself.
So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again.
Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off.  It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself.
Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate.
And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:

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I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.

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I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon

Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.

Worry and Christmas

Hello

First off I want to say thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. It means a lot to me to know that other people have been through what I am going through and have come out the other side so there is no reason why I can’t either.

I had a day off yesterday as it was a teacher training day so no-one went in. Now, to any ordinary person this would be the best thing ever and they would be loving it. I actually hate to say this but I am not liking my days off at the moment.. I have nothing to concentrate on when I am at home and usually I am at home on my own, like I was yesterday and like I am now so there is literally no-one to talk to and usually I end up in tears on my bed. Well that was my whole morning yesterday anyway.

I did have an appointment with my therapist on tuesday which I wont be going into detail with. They did say some quite unhelpful things and disbelieved me when I told them I was now a bmi of 18.5. As far as the eating is going, I think I am doing pretty well and I am quite proud of myself for keeping on going despite how rubbish I feel. My goal is still to feel relaxed when I go to Italy in February. I am very nervous about that especially with how I have been feeling recently but I just hope that by the time it comes I will feel a bit more relaxed. And as a friend said to me last night, it’s not about eating all the time while I am there, it’s about seeing the beautiful sites that Itlay has to offer and also spending time with my parents which I don’t get to do very often.

Another thing I have been worried about is Christmas lunch. This is such an odd thing to worry about but you will probably know what I am talking about if you have any experience with eating disorders. Our house usually holds the Christmas lunch, so my parents will make it and then all our cousins, nana and everyone come over. Well everyone on my mums side of the family. This year it’s going to be the same except everyone on my dads side of the family is coming as my mums side of the family have no way to come up this year and my dads side already live here. I hope I am making sense. Anyway, that means there will be about 13 people over for Christmas having lunch and they will probably be here for most of the day I guess. That is a lot of people. Which is what I am worried about. The first thing I am worried about is: will people be watching me eat? And the second thing: will people notice that I have put on a lot of weight since last year? I have seen my cousins since last year but not for very long and then at Christmas they will have enough time to look at me and find out. :/

I am also worried that my cousins are even coming over. I do love them obviously but they are all the type of people who say “you are fat” for just a joke. One of them said it to me once when I was deep into my eating disorder and you can guess that caused quite a lot of hurt. And then one time at my sisters birthday meal my grandma said something quite upsetting. I love these people obviously, to bits. But I am just worried about being in a food situation with them as I am not comfortable around food.

Apart from that, I am really excited about christmas. I am excited about baking and on Sunday me and my mum are going to make the Christmas cake 😀 I’m soooo excited lol! Also, yesterday I went Christmas shopping 😀 And I bought all my presents. That might seem quick, but I just don’t have many people to buy for. I did nearly go a bit overboared and buy really expensive things but I guess it’s not about how expensive something is………….. I just love buying presents for people!! 😀