Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.


Bad body image days.

Today has been one of them. Not that I ever feel good about my body or feel “thin” but today I have felt much worse than fat. Fat doesn’t even describe how I see myself in the mirror. I feel like such a lazy pig now I have finished school and have nothing to do. And when I say nothing I mean nothing. I have no friends to go out with, who would want to go out with me anyway? My parents are both at work and both of my sisters work as well and if they arne’t at work then chances are, they are with their boyfriends. I feel so alone. What the heck am I meant to day everyday for just over a month until I go to college.

I am so, so nervous about going to college in september as well. I havent even applied yet! But I do know what I want to do. And I am hoping that I will get in. My mum thinks I will because she thinks they will take my illness into consideration but I just think they will laugh at me and tell me I am way too dumb :/ But before that I have over a month of nothingness.

I swear all I spend my days doing is just sitting and worrying about my body, how i look, if I have eaten too much, when I will eat next. This awful thing happened at breakfast this morning where I usually measure my milk out in a jug, so I weighed it out this morning the same as every morning and then poured it on my cereal and then when I went to eat it, it just looked like there was SO much more milk in than usual and I panicked so much that I tipped pratically all of it out into the sink. And then started to get even more anxious that I have added on 67 calories to my breakfast by accident so I weighed more milk out again in the jug, after I had eaten to see if I had put the right amount in or double the amount I would usually have. I mean, what normal person would do that?! No-one, they would just tip it out if they thought it was too much but I have been obsessing about it the whole day!