The reality of eating disorder recovery

Hello flowers,

I am ever so sorry for my recent absence. I realise that I haven’t posted in a little while and before that I only posted recipes! I guess I will tell you a little bit about my past week. Things have been up and down. Mainly down unfortunately but it is imperative that I keep that positive mindset going. Food has been the best it has for years and years. I cook for my family twice a week, we have roast dinners every Sunday, I bake and eat my baking, I eat pizza, pudding every single day of ice cream or a sponge pudding and I have lunch out with my mum at least once every two weeks. These are things I would NEVER have dreamed of doing only five months ago. Five months ago I was in hospital and I woke up every day feeling dread, hatred and self loathing.

This is where the downside comes in. I see many many people who go through recovery and they eat and suddenly their whole life falls into place. They have a job, friends, they go out have generally have FUN. I always wanted to be that person, I always wanted to recover just like that. I think the reality is what I described above is very rare. The more common type of recovery is that one eats and engages in anorexia recovery 100% (me) but then then their mood plummets, they feel more depressed than ever, they are tired, they don’t want to do anything like go shopping, horse riding or the things we love. We think we hang on a second,we were told me all of these professionals and all of our loved ones that if we eat then things will get better. Our mood will increase, we will have energy etc etc.

This is NOT (always) the case. I know exactly what has happened with me and I wanted to tell you all because I don’t have a solution to this problem but it helps knowing what the problem is. Because when you are just sitting there with the worst thoughts ever, it is so frustrating because you don’t know WHY. And I hope that this will help some of you understand a little bit more. When we starve our bodies of the most important source that it needs to function, generally everything goes to pot. We feel physically unwell as well as mentally unwell. Our mood decreases but also something quite interesting happens to our mood. Our brains can’t function properly and when you are eating so little this is even more the case. Your body starts to shut down and when you have NO energy supplies, the body desperately tries to get energy from your muscles to keep your body working.

This is why when our body and brain is malnourished then if a situation happens, it will go over the top of you. You might care about it but you don’t have the time and energy to think about it. You don’t have the energy to make up a thought process of I am feeling happy/angry/sad because… So because of this when you do start eating again your brain CAN function properly. You have thoughts and feelings that are so loud you can’t switch them off. The fact is your thoughts never went, they were always the same but malnourishment caused them to be buried. And this brings me around into a full circle of why you developed anorexia in the first place. Maybe (like me) you had extremely low mood to begin with and of course the anorexia (or other eating disorder) hid that away because you are so consumed on food that you can’t think about anything else. And if this is the case then you know that your low mood that you are experiencing now, it’s just the same as before. It may feel like your mood has gotten a lot worse than when you were buried in anorexia but the truth it is no no worse than before you developed anorexia.

You have come around full circle. Anorexia never got rid of your low mood, anorexia never got rid of the situation as to why you became ill in the first place. It covered everything up so you wouldn’t have to think about it and now here you are faced with the problem again. Like I said above, I do not have a solution to this problem. It is difficult for me to talk about why I became ill in the first place. I don’t 100% know why actually. But the thing I want to improve now that my brain is functioning well is that I want to practice self love. I want to banish all of the awful thoughts I have about myself. I don’t like talking about me being bullied at school, it was an extremely difficult time for me. I now have the thoughts every single day that everyone hates me. Everyone hates me and they would be better of without me. THIS is what anorexia covered up and THIS is why I feel low. Anorexia didn’t just cover that up. It covered up way more than that but the point is I know what I need to improve on. I need to learn to love myself and I think that your first step could be learning to love yourself as well. You don’t have to know why you got poorly. You just have to know the catalyst. (low mood, low self worth etc.)

I really do hope that this helps a few of you. This is where I am at right now and it’s painful so painful but I know if I went back to anorexia I would have no chance of a peaceful life. I would be forever battling with my mind. It is just baby steps like it has been my whole recovery, one foot in front of the other.

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Little update

Hello everyone,

I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.

My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦

Have a lovely evening   

Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.

Struggling.

Hi

So, this week has been quite hard for me to be honest. I have been feeling very depressed and very, very anxious all week with eating disordered thoughts and I have let myself slip a bit with the eating. I don’t exactly know where all this has come from.. Over the weekend I felt depressed and then on Tuesday that’s when I started to feel physically as wel as mentally awful. I felt sick in my tummy and it was like I just had a dead weight in it and I just didn’t do anything all morning really. And also the eating disordered thoughts have been coming in quite strong.

I feel very big and worthless and I have restricted this week, only a small bit though. I just feel so stupid when I am sat down exhausted with no energy and hungry and yet the voice inside my head is saying “no, can’t eat. Must wait till you definitely know when you are hungry. Can’t eat snacks, only allowed proper meals.” And I listen to it every single time. I have also had multiple break downs this week where I have just cryed about three times a day with anxiety. I can’t express how much I hate this but I also can’t express how much I don’t want to be out of control. All I see is flab in the mirror and I hate that. I think that’s why I am feeling so sick. It’s all just anxiety. Anxiety because of fear of food.

I thought that now I had partly got my hunger signals back, I wouldn’t ever get that sick feeling again when I am meant to be hungry. And then I get angry at myself for the off time I am hungry, like this morning. I find myself not being able to eat because of multiple excuses I make up in my head. So I really do not make it any better for myself. Im angry and fustrated because I ant to just eat but then I am angry and frustrated because I don’t want to eat and I just want to be thinner and make all this anxiety and rubbishness go away. I know it’s never going to go away by not eating. It will just numb the emotion so I am not feeling it anymore but then when I start eating again, bam it hits you.

That’s why I am trying my hardest ever to get through this. I was actually thinking earlier that I really wish I had taken photos at my lowest weight because in my eyes, I looked obese. I think it would have been interesting to look back over them now and see if I still think that or see that my view point has changed.

As a side note: I cannot seem to get warm. I am sat here freezing cold with a big jumper on just shivering. And no matter how many hot mugs of coffee I drink I don’t get any warmer 😦

Distractions.

Hi,

Recently, I having been having quite big problems with destracting myself from food and depressive thoughts. I found this page online on a forum that I wanted to share with everyone. And I am NOT taking credit for this list by the way, it’s on the website. I just thought it was such a amazing idea. Here is the website if you are interested: http://www.recoveryourlife.com/index.php?categoryid=1 There are loads of different forums and on one of the forums it basically has loads of quizzes and games that you can use to distract yourself.

Here is a list of 200 things you can do to distract yourself:

1.Sleep?
2.read?

3.dance?
4.sing?
5.write?
6.talk to pets?
7.dance with pets?
8.play with pets?
9.poke pets?
10.buy a pet?
11.talk to plants?
12. dance with plants?
13.watch other people and make up life stories for them?
14.sing into your hairbrush?
15.experiment with makeup (even the guys)?
16.do a fashion show for yourself or someone else?
17.stay around other ppl?
18.surf the net?
19.look for stupid pics on google?
20.go onto bored.com?
21.make a cd?
22.listen to music?
23.make a video?
24.draw?
25.sit infront of the mirror and pull faces?
26.change hair style/colour?
27.draw over pretty people in magazines?
28.make a collage of photos?
29.make a collage that represents you (all positive pics plz)?
30.make someone a present?
31.oragami?
32.write a letter to someone?
32.reorganise ur cds or videos?
33.make a happy box (put all the things that make you smile into it)?
34.change your room?
35.clean your room?
36.clean the house?
37.go to the gym?
38.read the dictionary?
39.read the bible?
40.study?
41.revision?
42.work?
43.learn another language?
44.talk to a friend?
45.phone someone?
46.prank call somone?
47.do the washing up?
48.run around naked?
49.put all the clothes in your wardrobe on and try to walk?
50.jump up and down and see how long you can go for?
51.count upto a million?
52.try out new/different signatures?
53.try writing with your toes?
54.play games on the computer?
55.play games on PS2, X BOX, PS etc?
56.play cards with someone? 
57.learn new card tricks?
58.Play solitare?
59.take a bath?
60.take a shower?
61.recreate a scene from a book?
62.pretend to be someone stupid on eastenders?
63.write your own dictionary?
64.write a book?
65.buy a book?
66.see how much gum you can chew at once?
67.make your own board game?
68.say the alphabet backwards three times in a row without mistakes!?
69.Laugh at the number “69” haha!
70.do a wordsearch?
71.make ur own wordsearch?
72.make a little flip book of stick men?
73.go out with friends?
74.go out with family?
75.make a cake?
76.melt kitkats (ummm but be careful)?
77.play an instrument?
78.learn how to play an instrument?
79.Paper aeroplanes?
80.Redecorate some of ur clothes (ask for permission first!)
81.Hug one of ur teddy bears as tightly as poss. until the urges go away?
82.watch the film you hate the most twice?
83.Watch the complete trilogy of Lord Of The Rings? or read the books?
84.Use a red felt tip pen instead?
85.Go shopping?
86.Prepare for the marathon?
87.Go see a show/opera?
88.Throw a party?
89.If you had to organise a party for 100 celebrities what would it be like?
90.Which 100 celebs would you invite?
91.Count how many leaves there are on a tree? (myfav lol)
92.Play footy?
93.Make up your own songs?
94.Pretend to perform them for ur sweetie?
95.Pray?
96.Read a thesaurus?
97.Try and find the longest word in the dictionary?
98.Paint your toes different colours?
99.Try and keep smiling for 10 minutes? (it’s so hard)
100.Play dares with your friends?
101.Pretend it’s april fools today!?
102.Write a love letter telling the one you care about most how much they mean to you?
103.Knit?
104.Make your own wacky outfit?
105.Go out with ur mates n dare each other to try on whatever you pick out for em?
106.Try and make pictures or faces out of clouds?
107.Try join up all the stars with your finger?
108.Learn what all the stars mean?
109.Make your own quiz on here?
110.Look at photos?
111.See how much u can hole punch a piece of A4 paper?
112.Try and see how many words u can type in 5 minutes?
113.See if u can make a short story with the emoticons on msn?
114.On RYL post to every thread in one section, then do another?
115.Watch everything on one channel on the tele without fallin asleep or gettin up?
116.How long can u go without blinking?
117.Give your guinea pig/hamster/pet rat or mouse a HAIR CUT? (plz be careful….for ur pets sake!)
118.Scan your bum?
119.Scan your bum then print loads of copies and give them to all ur mates or post em thru ppls doors?
120.Write in your diary/journal?
121.Create one online?

122.See how many channels u can go through on the Tele without ur thumb gettin tired?
123.Miss call everyone u have saved in ur mobile? see how many respond
124.Research ‘Okapi’ on google.com?
125.how how many words you can write in a minute, about anything!?
126.Peel all the white bits off an orange?
127.How much gum can u chew?
128.Sit on the toilet?
129.See how many times you can spin around without being sick?
130.Teach your pet a new trick?
131.how long can u keep ur hands together?
132.how bout counting how many distractions there are on this page then tellin me how many? lol
133.how long can you keep ur eyes closed and not go to sleep?!
134.PM everyone who has helped u sayin thank u? 
135.Have a nice bath, listen to some relaxing music?
136. E mail me…or a friend?
137.Kiss everyone around ya?
138.put ur phone on charge?
139.Buy a phone?!
140.Practise dancing?
141.do some cheerleading?
142.practise cheerleading?
143.buy pompoms?
144.play with pompoms?
145.make ur own pompoms?
146.knit?
147.Plan your dream wedding?
148.Plan your dream holiday?
149.Go to a concert?
150.Take photos of anything n see if they coudl mean anything to u?
151.Joy rid a bus?
152.Fall asleep on a bus and see where u end up?
153.Play bop it? thats well cool!
154.Organise a sleep over?
155.Play spin-the-bottle?
156.Learn to play chess?
157.Play chess?
158.Play all the board games you have in the house?
159.Buy the newest type of monolpoly? I believe it’s Lord Of The Rings
160.Listen to every CD you own?
161.See how long you can go without sayin anything?
162.What is the wierdest sandwich you can make? AND eat it!
163.Name all the seven dwarfs?
164.Watch every disney film you have?
165.Make up a friendship test, see how well your mates know you?
166.Dress up as the opposite sex? (then take a pic n post it here lol)
167.Do a puzzle?
168.Make your own puzzle?
169.Clean the hover? well the hover normally cleans everything else n 170.doesn’t get cleaned itself!
171.Learn to ski?
172.Read your old letters?
173.Design newflip flops?
174.Organise your wadrobe by colour?
175.Go to your nearest farm?
176.See how far you can walk?
177.How many times can you run up and down the stairs?
178.Do your own word association page on paper?
179.Search for stupid stuff on e bay?
180.Blow up big lemonade bottles?
181.How many insects can u count in your garden?
182.How long can you hold a spider for?
183.See how long you can keep jus one eye open for?
184.Eat cheerys from a jar with a toothpick! Try finish them all!
185.Get a mate, one of u dress up as an angel and the other a devil then go round shops telling ppl to buy n not buy certain clothes!
186.See how many songs u can download in 30 minutes?
187.Record urself on a tape n make copies and give them to friends…tell them to listen while they sleep. u can stay stuff like “I’m ur bestest friend in the whole world i deserve lots n lots of presents!”
188.See how many words you can write in a minute?
189.See how many of those words you could write in a minute?
190.make pancakes?
191.eat pancakes?
192.pretend you’re a ghost who would you haunt first?
193.make three wishes?
194.make more wishes?
195.cook all types of egg , try them all and see which one you prefer? i bet you tried them all?
196.Write a list of cool places to go on different peices of paper, screw them up and pick one?
197.Paint your fingernails different colours?
198.Send people messages on the net in white font (with white background)?
199.Change your myspace layout!
200. See if I made any number errors 😛

Anyway, I couldn’t think of anything to post today so I wanted to share this with you all<3