Challenging yourself in a healthy way

Hello everyone,

Today I wanted to talk to you all about challenging yourself in a HEALTHY way. I think that anyone with any type of mental illness has fallen victim to punishing themselves and setting themselves too high a goals which they cannot achieve. I know personally my goals were ridiculous, to be friends with everyone and to be happy and bubbly all of the time. So in the end I was exhausted and wearing myself out and my anorexia got stronger and stronger until I felt oh this is great, I am losing weight finally something I can be good at. Of course in time I found myself as unhappy as ever and so I entered recovery and have been trying to find new ways of challenging myself that do not include unachievable goals or physically and mentally harming myself.

This next week marks a very important week for me in my recovery because my parents left for France yesterday evening for 10 days. I got ever so anxious yesterday and when I get anxious I scream because I don’t let the thoughts come in. So I am just sat with an anxious feeling and I have no idea why. But yesterday was one of the easier times where I could link my anxiety to a big event and sometimes I can’t do that. So, after I had calmed down a little bit I thought to myself… This is a REALLY BIG positive step. I am challenging myself from being away from my mum so I have to take care and responsibility of my own recovery. This is a huge positive and healthy challenge because I am not going to be punishing myself and I have set myself an achievable goal and if I don’t quite manage then no harm is actually done. I am still going to feel accomplished because being away from my parents is already half of the challenged ticked already.

So I wanted to share with you a few other little challenges that I have/want to achieve. I do lots of planning of these kinds of challenges and it makes me feel SO GOOD once I have finished them. Like I didn’t know I could have such a confidence boost just by doing my favourite hobby regularly or doing homework tasks set by my therapist. You will see these goals are not entirely food related but some are because I like to have a mixture. The one thing they all have in common is health and well being related. Here are my goals:

  • To make my friendship bracelets whenever I have a few spare minutes in the day
  • To give in my job application forms (already done this one!)
  • To go horse riding as regularly as possible. I love horse riding but sometimes it’s a lot of effort to make myself go. Just because my negative voices are very loud and recently I seem to have lost interest in nearly all of my hobbies. But horse riding is something that actually makes me feel good about and it is a challenge to make myself go so that is why it is on here
  • To put effort into my mindfulness practice and to do it at least three times a week
  • To go back to college in September (That’s a huge one and I have knots in my stomach just thinking about it!)
  • To make the effort to have lunch out with any family member each week. This is an important one because I have found that I absolutely love having lunch with my mum. I can talk to her about therapy and any worries I might have and because it is at a time and day that we have planned to have lunch then I can plan what to say and I find that very useful because if we didn’t do that then there wouldn’t be another time that I feel more comfortable talking to her. Because at my house it is busy busy busy!
  • To make sure I keep writing to my pen pals
  • To make sure I look after myself. Wash my face, put a bit of make up on, use my perfume, use my favourite shower gel and body lotion. Hand cream and foot cream. When I was deep into my illness I wouldn’t do any of this. My hands and lips were completely cracked and bleeding because I refused to look after myself. Now I wake up feeling like I want to get out of bed and have a nice day just because it feels a bit nicer being in my skin.
  • To walk my dogs everyday

So those are all of my goals and challenges to make me feel like I have a purpose to my life and I am not just floating around doing nothing. I have ambitions and I want a proper life and hopefully my goals will help me towards that. What are your personal challenges/goals? I would love to hear them.


Yesterday lunch

Hello everyone,

I shall be posting a recipe later on today but first I wanted to do a little post about my lunch that I had yesterday. Me and my mum love going out for lunch so we decided to make it a regular occurrence and we usually go once a week depending on how busy we both are. It’s lovely to spend some time with my mum and also I sometimes meet her before/after therapy so it puts me in a good mood. We have two favourite cafes now but we want to find new places to go because it’s always nice to go somewhere different!

The place I went to yesterday was actually a shop and they have a cafe on the top floor. I think lots of places do that now actually and I like going there because then I can look at all of the kitchen/craft stuff when I am finished 😉 Yesterday I felt like a toasted sandwich and I hadn’t actually seen them do toasted sandwiches before but maybe that is because I wasn’t looking? I chose a cheese and tomato toastie and it was delish.

Cheese and tomato toastie

And then for pudding we both got a cake and I got the coffee and walnut cake which is one of my favourite ever flavours. I have also had the chocolate brownie there before as well. I think I like my chocolate things 😉 I shall have to try the chocolate cake next time I go. I have always been eyeing it up but I think that saying you eat with your eyes is true. Because once my dad bought a cake slice and I just wouldn’t have chosen to eat it because it looked just a bit boring but I had it and it was actually very tasty. I don’t know I think that I do usually make such a fuss if my food doesn’t look tasty I think that is definitely something I need to work on! But I don’t think it is a specific eating disorder thing. I think it is a me being silly thing! Ramble over… Here was my cake.

Coffee and walnut cake

I did enjoy it but it was very very dense. It wasn’t light and fluffy and my mum said that my homemade cakes are 1000x better. I think a bake session is in order this weekend 😉 Something different will be happening next week. Something different and scary. On Tuesday I am going out for lunch but I am not going with my mum, I am going with my dad. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship and my illness has made it worse. The other day I was just talking with my dad and suddenly I asked him out for lunch. I am not one to be so forward but I did it and I am actually very proud. Me and my dad don’t really do anything together and if we do then my mum is always there. So I hope that this will be a good time to bond and also it will be out of the house and at my favourite cafe so I think (I hope) that I will feel relaxed because most times I don’t feel relaxed at home and that’s when the conflict starts.

I think I am making important steps and I am quite proud of myself which one day I won’t be ashamed of saying! Eating lunch out is getting a little bit easier each week and I think it just proves that if you try then you will succeed. I am aware that most people might not go out for lunch once a week but I think for me it is helping challenging myself and it helps putting an hour aside each week so me and my mum can have a good chat in a calm and relaxed environment which unfortunately is not home at the moment but it will be. Just take each day as it comes.

Little update

Hello everyone,

I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.

My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦

Have a lovely evening   

A bit about my week


I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little.
So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself.
So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again.
Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off.  It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself.
Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate.
And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:


I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.


I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon

Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.

Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

Hey everyone.

Ok, I would just like to say I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in ages and I really hope it’s ok that I took a little break. I didn’t mean to just dissappear off the face of the earth, that’s just kind of the way it turned out so I am really sorry about that. I don’t really know what to say to be honest. I guess I will start with the non- complicated things.

I have been off college for about 5 weeks now and I have decided that I don’t want to go back there. I really did not enjoy the course there at all and the people there were just plain rude. Someone wrote on facebook about me that it is like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to me and they are glad I won’t be there next year. Haha, that gave me such a boost of confidence. So, I have signed up for another course at a different college and this is an animal care course.

This is so complicated though my head hurts just thinking about it. The thing is, I absolutely love animals and I have always, always wanted to work with them. And now at this very moment in time I am consumed by my mental illness. Ever since I signed up for the animal course one minute I would want to go and then the next minute I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to live, breathe, feed myself, clothe myself or even have a shower. That’s kind of where I am at at the moment. I honestly feel like I have hit the absolute bottom.

Gosh, I have so much to say I feel like I am not making any sense :/ So, the other day, me and my dad had a massive argument about college how I don’t want to go and I would rather die than go. And I think that might be a lot of anxiety. Recently I have been so scared to even go out the house. I am scared that people will be staring at me and also that I will make a fool of myself. And I am terrified of starting a new college because I know I won’t make any friends at all. If you read through my posts this time last year, I was all positive about going to college but I was still very anxious. That positiveity did nothing for me. I couldn’t make friends because those people were just not like me and it is going to be exactly the same at this new college.

Moving on, I have had a lot of difficulties since when I last posted. In February, I quit seeing my therapist because I thought she wasen’t helping me anymore and I didn’t want her help anyway. I don’t really know what I was feeling back then to be honest. I don’t know if I wanted to recover or not. Anyway, I carried on seeing my phsycyatrist and I have also been having family therapy which has been useful but also quite hard. And then about two months ago my phsychyatrist left and now I have a new one. And I have seen this new one for about three sessions. He seems alright I guess but I don’t know. He asked me a very interesting question last week. He asked: do you want to recover? It was really odd because I tried to say yes but the word just woulden’t come out so I said I don’t know. Im still trying to work it out now but I am pretty sure I don’t want to recover. Not because I like being like this. I don’t actually know why. It’s absurd right?! Who actually wants to stay in this hell? Clearly me. Maybe that’s because I think I deserve it.

Since I haven’t seen my therapist since February, my phsychyatrist asked if we could set up some councelling sessions for me. Something I really do NOT want to do but my mum wants me to do it because I know she really, really wants me to get better. So, im on the list for councelling, im not sure when that will start but I am extremely nervous. One good thing has happened while all this has been going on though. I meantioned earlier that it’s been a struggle to get me out the house because I am so anxious. Socially anxious mostly but other things as well like being in small places, being too hot outside to wear long sleeves ect. Anyway, about a month ago, I signed up to do volunteer work at a charity. And I never thought that they would actually take me on but she did! And I have been there three times now every Wednesday morning and so far I have enjoyed it.

I will talk more about it tomorrow I think 🙂 (gosh so much to catch up on!!) I think I am going to go and get some sleep now, basically I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and I hope everyone has been well. Ooh, I also got nominated for an award while I was away which was exciting! I will do a post about that but I don’t know how long it will be. I still have so much to say.

I hope everyone is well

Lots of love