Today I wanted to talk to you all about challenging yourself in a HEALTHY way. I think that anyone with any type of mental illness has fallen victim to punishing themselves and setting themselves too high a goals which they cannot achieve. I know personally my goals were ridiculous, to be friends with everyone and to be happy and bubbly all of the time. So in the end I was exhausted and wearing myself out and my anorexia got stronger and stronger until I felt oh this is great, I am losing weight finally something I can be good at. Of course in time I found myself as unhappy as ever and so I entered recovery and have been trying to find new ways of challenging myself that do not include unachievable goals or physically and mentally harming myself.
This next week marks a very important week for me in my recovery because my parents left for France yesterday evening for 10 days. I got ever so anxious yesterday and when I get anxious I scream because I don’t let the thoughts come in. So I am just sat with an anxious feeling and I have no idea why. But yesterday was one of the easier times where I could link my anxiety to a big event and sometimes I can’t do that. So, after I had calmed down a little bit I thought to myself… This is a REALLY BIG positive step. I am challenging myself from being away from my mum so I have to take care and responsibility of my own recovery. This is a huge positive and healthy challenge because I am not going to be punishing myself and I have set myself an achievable goal and if I don’t quite manage then no harm is actually done. I am still going to feel accomplished because being away from my parents is already half of the challenged ticked already.
So I wanted to share with you a few other little challenges that I have/want to achieve. I do lots of planning of these kinds of challenges and it makes me feel SO GOOD once I have finished them. Like I didn’t know I could have such a confidence boost just by doing my favourite hobby regularly or doing homework tasks set by my therapist. You will see these goals are not entirely food related but some are because I like to have a mixture. The one thing they all have in common is health and well being related. Here are my goals:
To make my friendship bracelets whenever I have a few spare minutes in the day
To give in my job application forms (already done this one!)
To go horse riding as regularly as possible. I love horse riding but sometimes it’s a lot of effort to make myself go. Just because my negative voices are very loud and recently I seem to have lost interest in nearly all of my hobbies. But horse riding is something that actually makes me feel good about and it is a challenge to make myself go so that is why it is on here
To put effort into my mindfulness practice and to do it at least three times a week
To go back to college in September (That’s a huge one and I have knots in my stomach just thinking about it!)
To make the effort to have lunch out with any family member each week. This is an important one because I have found that I absolutely love having lunch with my mum. I can talk to her about therapy and any worries I might have and because it is at a time and day that we have planned to have lunch then I can plan what to say and I find that very useful because if we didn’t do that then there wouldn’t be another time that I feel more comfortable talking to her. Because at my house it is busy busy busy!
To make sure I keep writing to my pen pals
To make sure I look after myself. Wash my face, put a bit of make up on, use my perfume, use my favourite shower gel and body lotion. Hand cream and foot cream. When I was deep into my illness I wouldn’t do any of this. My hands and lips were completely cracked and bleeding because I refused to look after myself. Now I wake up feeling like I want to get out of bed and have a nice day just because it feels a bit nicer being in my skin.
To walk my dogs everyday
So those are all of my goals and challenges to make me feel like I have a purpose to my life and I am not just floating around doing nothing. I have ambitions and I want a proper life and hopefully my goals will help me towards that. What are your personal challenges/goals? I would love to hear them.
I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little. So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself. So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again. Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off. It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself. Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate. And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:
I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.
I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon
I feel really stuck in my eating disorder recovery at the moment. I keep getting into a cycle of purging every few months and I know that wasn’t as bad as it used to be but that is also where it started. I feel absolutely disgusted constantly about my body and I feel unhealthy all of the time. Last night I purged and I now feel like I might never move away from purging even though I am probably eating a good amount. What happens if I can’t stop and then I will purge every few months for the rest of my life? What happens if I feel completely repulsed by my body for the rest of my life? I can’t ever seeing myself liking myself or accepting the fact that EVERYONE must eat food to live.
There are some things I really am looking forward to but at the same time I am 1000% anxious about them. I don’t want to jinx this (probably have now) but last year when I started college I have met the most supportive person ever. She knows about my anxiety and my anorexia and she is SO encouraging and I cannot thank her enough for that. Last year at college I missed out on a lot of trips because of my anxiety and I missed out on the end of year summer ball and parties and so many other things. But I am so thankful that this year my wonderful and supportive friend is not taking no for an answer. She says I am going to the summer ball and that is final (which means getting drunk and camping with all my friends in a tent) She begged me to go on a school trip to Holland where it is six days away and you visit six zoos and go on a bike tour :O It sounds absolutely incredible and today I have given in my deposit. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS. So the fact is I need to be well for this trip, I need to be well for all of my friends partys which I am NOT missing out on this year. I am 18 and I bloody deserve a life without anorexia and anxiety taunting in my ear every second of everyday.
All of my plans for this year scare me so much. Because what if I can’t do it and what if my eating disorder does get in the way? How will I ever make myself believe that having my own life is so much better than having a controlled life with anorexia, depression and anxiety? I am so scared, scared that I might never fully recover and scared that I don’t deserve to go to party’s and go on holidays and be free. There is a good part of me that thinks I deserve to be away from this horrible “life” I have been living and then the bad part of me says I deserve to suffer, I deserve pain and everyone in this world hates me. I am a huge regret.
I think that is all I will say for today and I hope you all have a lovely evening
Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone that follows me. I noticed yesterday when I logged on that I have reached 100 followers which is pretty incredible actually considering I feel like I just go on and on and don’t make any sense at all. I never ever thought that anyone would actually be interested in the highs and lows of my life. And I just want to say, if you are new to reading my posts then I am not always in a down mood. It just varies and I would like to talk about my sad days as well as my happy days so I hope that’s ok.
Well today hasn’t been SO bad. I woke up this morning, had breakfast as usual and then that’s when I started to feel sick with worry. Then I took a shower and most of the morning I was just trying to keep busy really. I had the charity shop in the afternoon and I have only been there four times so I was mostly worried about that because I knew today would be different than what I am used to so far. My manager is away for the next two weeks so I said I would do the afternoon shifts on Monday and Thursday while she is away. Firstly that worried me because I have only done morning shifts before so I am used to that and I didn’t know what to expect in the afternoon. Like would it be busy, do I still get a break like I do in the mornings, it’s half an hour shorter than in the mornings so will I get everything done on time?
And then my next worry of course was that my manager is away so she asked her son to do her job and I was so anxious because I didn’t know what he was going to be like and I was scared of asking so many questions as I haven’t been there much before. And also, I was working with different people than usual so that’s three new people today and I find it hard to interact with people so that was a pretty scary thing for me. And then my last worry was that I didn’t know what I would be doing. Like if I was on the till then I thought I would definitely mess that all up because I have only been on the till once before and that was when I had been there a few times so I was confident to ask my manager when I did make a mistake.
All these worries… Looking at it now there is hell of a lot. But maybe it’s a good thing to write all this down. I arrived to work on time and when I walked in, there were two people there and I know the obvious thing to do is to tell them my name but now sound came out and I probably looked stupid. In the end it was okay I guess because they were expecting me. The first challenge: The manager. There were two huge boxes of saucepans that we had to sort out and I have never really priced that sort of thing before so I asked him if he knew what I should price them as and he said don’t do it yet because they are gift aided. So I was just standing there for five minutes left on my own while the others were out at the front. And then he said oh just price them normally and don’t bother about gift aid. I was too scared to ask him about what price so I just started sticking the labels on and then I asked someone else and she said to me you just have to guess. She didn’t really give me any clue so I assumed she had no idea just like me.
And then about half an hour after I had arrived someone else came in and from there it got better. She helped me with the pricing and we were chatting to each other a lot and she was just really lovely. She was telling me about all the dogs she has had haha because I said how much I love animals. And now on Thursday is when I have my next shift. And guess what? I am just as anxious about exactly the same reasons because it’s going to be two more different people! I am so not used to meeting so many new people.
The reason why I wanted to do this though was to build my confidence up because I don’t really have any at all at the moment. So far, I am still worried every time I go but I am hoping that just might die down soon. I will have to keep going on a regular basis and then I shall see. And this is the first week that I will be going in twice so that’s also a big challenge for me. An achievable one I hope.
Today has been another hard day.. I am really sorry that I am being such a downer I am just writing what I feel and I find that it does actually help me. So I woke up this morning and I made myself a nice breakfast of porridge. I love porridge and I haven’t had it in a while so it was lovely to try it again! I felt really guilty afterwards for eating it though. I had a shower and my tummy was sticking out SO much I looked pregnant.
My mum and I then went to the shop to get some food bits that I needed. I got really frustrated at myself because I wanted to challenge myself with a food item and I didn’t know what to choose and I burst into tears in the middle of the shop. I felt so horrible because four weeks ago I ate chocolate, pizza etc. no problem and now it’s a struggle to get anything inside me. I feel like such a failure
After that lunchtime soon rolled around and for some reason I just could not get off the chair to eat. I managed it in the end after mum shouting at me. And then we went off to the garden centre where we brought back Rory’s (my rabbit) new hutch home. And I also bought him a new toy which he seems to be enjoying. And then the rest of the afternoon was spent sleeping and being depressed. I had my rabbit out with me and he usually makes me feel happier but he didn’t today. That was a horrible feeling.
It’s 8:30 now so I have had dinner and I feel okay about it. Not too bad but still very guilty. I am going to have to brave my evening snack though after I have finished writing this. I was in the shower this morning when I realised I have had such a BAD Easter. I have literally spent the whole period shut away in my room and not talking to anyone. My nan was down for a few days as well as she lives five hours away and I barely spoke to her which I do feel very bad about. I feel why can’t I just be happy? Why so I feel like this???? And why is it so hard to eat?
All these questions, all these bad thoughts running through my brain.
It’s been a few months since I have posted so I thought I would give a small update as to how things are going with me at the moment. First of all, I hope everyone is well and of course, happy.
First I guess I will talk a little bit about my trip to Rome. As you know (or you might have forgotten) I went to Rome for a few days with my parents in February to have a look around and do plenty of sight seeing of course! We had a lovely time and I really enjoyed myself with looking around at all the buildings and walking along the cobbled streets. It was so beautiful. I was doing quite well with food before Rome at that point and in Rome (most of the time) I chose exactly what I wanted to eat and it felt so freeing. We were staying at a hotel so we had breakfast there in the mornings and I always chose something like a yogurt with granola, a fruit and a piece of bread. Then of course as we were doing lots of walking around it comes to lunch time and I was starving hungry 😛 This actually made me feel better though because obviously I had to eat more than usual so I felt like I could justify it. So for lunches I would have had something like a salad or soup. And then dinners was when I really challenged myself the most. On the second night I had PIZZA. It was absolutely amazing and I am so happy that I did it. I have a picture so I might upload it sometime but it’s not on my computer.. Also, one of my favourite dinners there was ravioli with tomato sauce. It was heaven.
So that is the food side of the trip. There were a few ups and downs but I do feel that I coped pretty well. Coming back from Rome was where things started to go downhill. It was hard to continue taking my anti depressents while I was in Rome just because I genuinely forgot. Then when I came back home I gradually stopped taking them which is stupid I know. Then I was feeling very low and depressed and eventually I took an overdose. Im not going to go into that but idk, I think if I write it down then it might be a good thing. Picking myself up from that was hard but I eventually did it. And then I found myself restricting my food intake quite a lot which is where I am now. I have told my mum about it and im really trying to eat a sensible amount. My ed thoughts are really loud and completely consuming me at the moment but I am thankful that I have the most wonderful and supportive family around to help me.
And I think that’s it. Sorry this has been a bit of a negative post. I just thought I would let you all know where I have been and I think I am going to start blogging again because I did really enjoy it. Maybe you would like it if I posted some of my recipes as I have been cooking loads recently and loving it!
Today has been an okay day. In the morning I had to go to the doctors for my check up. And it’s changed to monthly so I am pretty happy about that! But he said he still doesn’t want to write me off completely. The appintment weny okay, I found out that I had maintained my weight from last month so I was very happy about that and he also seemed happy for me to continue being at this weight.
When I came home I had a quick breakfast and then at 11:30 I had a pilates class. This was my second time going as I went last week as well and I really enjoy it. I don’t do any exercise at the moment because I haven’t found something that I really enjoy yet so a few weeks ago I asked my sister what she thought I should do and she suggested that I do pilates as she goes to those classes and she really enjoys them. So the first time I went was last week and I really enjoyed it so we booked ourselves in to go again this week. This weeks class was quite a challenge, there were a lot of hard stretches and there were also a lot of balancing moves that we had to do which I was awful at. But I think I am going to start going to this class regually now as I don’t find it too strenuous and I think it would be good for me.
Then when I came home, I was hungry and I became very anxious about what I should eat. I was worried about eating too much fat and I didn’t want this and that is too unhealthy. In the end I chose a challenge food. It wasen’t unhealthy in any way at all so I felt happier about that. I had tomato soup with bread. But, it wasen’t just any old soup. It was out of a tin! This was a challenge for me as I only ever eat fresh soups because I always feel like tinned soups have too much salt in them. But this one wasn’t bad at all and I am really glad I had it because it tasted sooo nice.
Cream of tomato soup with wholemeal bread.
And then this afternoon I have been doing some college work and I also had a therapist appointment. It’s been a good day apart from the therapist appointment and I managed to do some work again today (whooo!) It wasen’t much at all but at least it was something haha. Fingers crossed I manage to do some tomorrow as I have a two hour break in between classes.
By the way, I had one of these yesterday:
It was really nice 😀 I have never had one of these before but they do them in all different flavours and they have a carob topping. I have never had carob before either. My mum bought some carob coated cashew nuts a while ago for me to try and they are still sitting in the cupbored. I have been a bit suspicious of carob because I didn’t really know what it was. But now I know it is a dairy free alternative to chocolate. It’s quite nice but I definitely prefer the real deal 😉 Anyway, I like these bars and I am definitely going to try another one. Yum!