Eating disorder update (possibly triggering content)

Hello,

I feel really stuck in my eating disorder recovery at the moment. I keep getting into a cycle of purging every few months and I know that wasn’t as bad as it used to be but that is also where it started. I feel absolutely disgusted constantly about my body and I feel unhealthy all of the time. Last night I purged and I now feel like I might never move away from purging even though I am probably eating a good amount. What happens if I can’t stop and then I will purge every few months for the rest of my life? What happens if I feel completely repulsed by my body for the rest of my life? I can’t ever seeing myself liking myself or accepting the fact that EVERYONE must eat food to live.

There are some things I really am looking forward to but at the same time I am 1000% anxious about them. I don’t want to jinx this (probably have now) but last year when I started college I have met the most supportive person ever. She knows about my anxiety and my anorexia and she is SO encouraging and I cannot thank her enough for that. Last year at college I missed out on a lot of trips because of my anxiety and I missed out on the end of year summer ball and parties and so many other things. But I am so thankful that this year my wonderful and supportive friend is not taking no for an answer. She says I am going to the summer ball and that is final (which means getting drunk and camping with all my friends in a tent) She begged me to go on a school trip to Holland where it is six days away and you visit six zoos and go on a bike tour :O It sounds absolutely incredible and today I have given in my deposit. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS THOUGHT I WOULD EVEN THINK ABOUT DOING THIS. So the fact is I need to be well for this trip, I need to be well for all of my friends partys which I am NOT missing out on this year. I am 18 and I bloody deserve a life without anorexia and anxiety taunting in my ear every second of everyday.

All of my plans for this year scare me so much. Because what if I can’t do it and what if my eating disorder does get in the way? How will I ever make myself believe that having my own life is so much better than having a controlled life with anorexia, depression and anxiety? I am so scared, scared that I might never fully recover and scared that I don’t deserve to go to party’s and go on holidays and be free. There is a good part of me that thinks I deserve to be away from this horrible “life” I have been living and then the bad part of me says I deserve to suffer, I deserve pain and everyone in this world hates me. I am a huge regret.

I think that is all I will say for today and I hope you all have a lovely evening

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Evening ramblings

Hello,
I am currently sipping on a chamomile tea to try and ease my stomach. I don’t know what it is but for the past few days I have been feeling really sick and having stomach pains after I eat. I was thinking this evening that it is possibly anxiety as I can’t think of any other reason why it would be like that and I do spend a lot of my time worrying.

Talking about anxiety, my sister has recently been diagnosed with having anxiety just like me and it makes me sad that she has to go through all of that as well. I wish there was something I could do to help her and we were talking about it last night. It’s nice that we both have someone close to us that understands but I just want all of her pain to go away. She has had to deal with some very personal issues and it’s not fair for her to have to deal with all of this on top of that. If I could take away that pain for her and give it to me instead then i definitely would.

Mondays are my days of from college and in the morning I go into the cattery. It was lovely to see all of the cats, it’s just not so nice that I feel down all of the times and I hate that sometimes animals don’t help that. I have been feeling so large recently and that I just don’t need this food but I am trying to carry on as best as I can. The two thoughts I hold onto is that if I go deep back into anorexia then I will not be able to finish my college course which I love doing so much and I certainly will not be able to look after my animals and they deserve to be looked after the best that there is.

Monday is usually the day that I go swimming but I just did not feel up to it today. I feel very guilty about that but sometimes these things are for the best. I shouldn’t be exercising to stop myself from feeling guilty instead I should be exercising because I WANT to exercise and that is the ultimate aim.

Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

Hey everyone.

Ok, I would just like to say I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in ages and I really hope it’s ok that I took a little break. I didn’t mean to just dissappear off the face of the earth, that’s just kind of the way it turned out so I am really sorry about that. I don’t really know what to say to be honest. I guess I will start with the non- complicated things.

I have been off college for about 5 weeks now and I have decided that I don’t want to go back there. I really did not enjoy the course there at all and the people there were just plain rude. Someone wrote on facebook about me that it is like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to me and they are glad I won’t be there next year. Haha, that gave me such a boost of confidence. So, I have signed up for another course at a different college and this is an animal care course.

This is so complicated though my head hurts just thinking about it. The thing is, I absolutely love animals and I have always, always wanted to work with them. And now at this very moment in time I am consumed by my mental illness. Ever since I signed up for the animal course one minute I would want to go and then the next minute I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to live, breathe, feed myself, clothe myself or even have a shower. That’s kind of where I am at at the moment. I honestly feel like I have hit the absolute bottom.

Gosh, I have so much to say I feel like I am not making any sense :/ So, the other day, me and my dad had a massive argument about college how I don’t want to go and I would rather die than go. And I think that might be a lot of anxiety. Recently I have been so scared to even go out the house. I am scared that people will be staring at me and also that I will make a fool of myself. And I am terrified of starting a new college because I know I won’t make any friends at all. If you read through my posts this time last year, I was all positive about going to college but I was still very anxious. That positiveity did nothing for me. I couldn’t make friends because those people were just not like me and it is going to be exactly the same at this new college.

Moving on, I have had a lot of difficulties since when I last posted. In February, I quit seeing my therapist because I thought she wasen’t helping me anymore and I didn’t want her help anyway. I don’t really know what I was feeling back then to be honest. I don’t know if I wanted to recover or not. Anyway, I carried on seeing my phsycyatrist and I have also been having family therapy which has been useful but also quite hard. And then about two months ago my phsychyatrist left and now I have a new one. And I have seen this new one for about three sessions. He seems alright I guess but I don’t know. He asked me a very interesting question last week. He asked: do you want to recover? It was really odd because I tried to say yes but the word just woulden’t come out so I said I don’t know. Im still trying to work it out now but I am pretty sure I don’t want to recover. Not because I like being like this. I don’t actually know why. It’s absurd right?! Who actually wants to stay in this hell? Clearly me. Maybe that’s because I think I deserve it.

Since I haven’t seen my therapist since February, my phsychyatrist asked if we could set up some councelling sessions for me. Something I really do NOT want to do but my mum wants me to do it because I know she really, really wants me to get better. So, im on the list for councelling, im not sure when that will start but I am extremely nervous. One good thing has happened while all this has been going on though. I meantioned earlier that it’s been a struggle to get me out the house because I am so anxious. Socially anxious mostly but other things as well like being in small places, being too hot outside to wear long sleeves ect. Anyway, about a month ago, I signed up to do volunteer work at a charity. And I never thought that they would actually take me on but she did! And I have been there three times now every Wednesday morning and so far I have enjoyed it.

I will talk more about it tomorrow I think 🙂 (gosh so much to catch up on!!) I think I am going to go and get some sleep now, basically I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and I hope everyone has been well. Ooh, I also got nominated for an award while I was away which was exciting! I will do a post about that but I don’t know how long it will be. I still have so much to say.

I hope everyone is well

Lots of love

Tuesday post.

Hello 🙂

Today has been an okay day. In the morning I had to go to the doctors for my check up. And it’s changed to monthly so I am pretty happy about that! But he said he still doesn’t want to write me off completely. The appintment weny okay, I found out that I had maintained my weight from last month so I was very happy about that and he also seemed happy for me to continue being at this weight.

When I came home I had a quick breakfast and then at 11:30 I had a pilates class. This was my second time going as I went last week as well and I really enjoy it. I don’t do any exercise at the moment because I haven’t found something that I really enjoy yet so a few weeks ago I asked my sister what she thought I should do and she suggested that I do pilates as she goes to those classes and she really enjoys them. So the first time I went was last week and I really enjoyed it so we booked ourselves in to go again this week. This weeks class was quite a challenge, there were a lot of hard stretches and there were also a lot of balancing moves that we had to do which I was awful at. But I think I am going to start going to this class regually now as I don’t find it too strenuous and I think it would be good for me.

Then when I came home, I was hungry and I became very anxious about what I should eat. I was worried about eating too much fat and I didn’t want this and that is too unhealthy. In the end I chose a challenge food. It wasen’t unhealthy in any way at all so I felt happier about that. I had tomato soup with bread. But, it wasen’t just any old soup. It was out of a tin! This was a challenge for me as I only ever eat fresh soups because I always feel like tinned soups have too much salt in them. But this one wasn’t bad at all and I am really glad I had it because it tasted sooo nice.

Cream of tomato soup with wholemeal bread.

Cream of tomato soup with wholemeal bread.

And then this afternoon I have been doing some college work and I also had a therapist appointment. It’s been a good day apart from the therapist appointment and I managed to do some work again today (whooo!) It wasen’t much at all but at least it was something haha. Fingers crossed I manage to do some tomorrow as I have a two hour break in between classes.

By the way, I had one of these yesterday:

Flax 9bar.

It was really nice 😀 I have never had one of these before but they do them in all different flavours and they have a carob topping. I have never had carob before either. My mum bought some carob coated cashew nuts a while ago for me to try and they are still sitting in the cupbored. I have been a bit suspicious of carob because I didn’t really know what it was. But now I know it is a dairy free alternative to chocolate. It’s quite nice but I definitely prefer the real deal 😉 Anyway, I like these bars and I am definitely going to try another one. Yum!

College and triggers.

Hi

I am back to my normal bloggy self 🙂 Today has been okay. Not as bad as it has been so that is a plus. I had college today which was 9:00-4:30 except it turned out till 3:30 😛 Mondays are my worst days because I find it really hard to focus for that long. But today I did manage to do some work and in my break I went into the library to do some work which I was really pleased with as my concentration skills have been shocking recently so I literally haven’t done any college work since being back from the Christmas holidays. Which is kind of shocking actually but I really am trying my hardest.

My appetite still didn’t come back during the day when I was at college. I felt like I was carrying a weeks worth of food in my stomach I was that full. But I ate all of my lunch box so I am pretty pleased with that. There have been quite a few times recently where I have been feeling so full and I just want to restrict and not eat anything for the whole day but I have been reminding myself that even if I am not feeling very hungry then I still need to eat. And that if I don’t eat then it will take me even longer to feel hungry because my body will probably just shut down as it might think it is going to be starved again. I need to make sure I eat every three hours now because if I don’t then I start feeling really sick and dizzy. It’s just not a good feeling. My hunger did however return before I had my dinner this evening so I was really pleased about that and I was able to eat a good sized portion without feeling guilty.

There was one trigger at college today though. The people who I am with talk about diets a lot and one of them is on these slimming pills and she has talked a lot in the past about how she has them and then when she finishes them all of her fat will be gone. She also said what she eats in a day with them and that triggered me a bit. And then today while we were in the library, the topic came up again and one of the girls said I use this app on my phone and it told me that the amount of calories I ate yesterday I was putting my body into starvation mode. And then she said I had a banana and a roast yesterday. These are all very triggering things especially as I have just deleted myfitnesspal for the second time and this made me want to download it again 😦 And then she said I will need to eat 1700 calories more today to reach my goal of 2080. Which means she only had about 400 calories by 3:00 in the afternoon and I had double that!

It makes me wonder that I don’t have anorexia at all and what I am doing is normal. Im bot going to lie, I am jelous. Because I think it is unfair how they are allowed to do all of that but if anyone finds out I am doing it then it is the end of the world. And I said to the I would like to try out zumba today and they said “to burn what fat, you are a stick.” That kind of hurt as they are allowed to eat just a banana and a roast in a day and I am not even allowed to exercise…

Sorry for the rant 😦 I just needed to get that out there. It’s been fizzling up inside me for hours.

Where have I been?

Hello,

I hope everyone is doing well. Sorry I haven’t really been posting recently. The reason for that is because I have been very anxious recently with college and everything so I thought it would just be better to try and stay away from the computer for a while so I can sort myself out and get things back to how it was again a bit.

The first thing that has been happening is: I have now been started on a new anti-depressent called Sertraline. I have been on it for about two weeks now and I have had no side effects so that is an excellent start. It is supposed to be very good for anxiety I have heard so I am keeping my fingers crossed. I think the worst thing that has been going on is college. College has been really, really hard. I haven’t been able to concentrate at all. And I have been having a lot of breakdowns where I just cry for hours on end. I am hoping that sertraline will help with this.

My appetite has been very funny these past few weeks. A couple of days after I just started taking sertraline, I was hungry constantly. I realise now that this was nothing to do with the medication but at the time I thought it was. It had me very on edge all the time and I was anxious all the time that I would overeat. Whereas the past couple of days I have not been feeling hunger at all. It has been very hard for me to eat without guilt and I feel like everything I put into my body is going to make me gain 10000 pounds.

I have also had a slight ed slip up this past week as I downloaded the app myfittnesspal onto my ipod. I have been using it to log all my foods into so I could see the calorie, fat, carbohydrates and protein values. I have always been a religious calorie counter ever since my ed but I have never counted fat, protein or carbohydrate values. And it has got me really obsessed and I got worried if the app told me I was eating to much carbs. Which it did a few times. And i would obsess about it and I spent about an hour logging my foods for the next day trying to make sure everything was perfect.

I did decide to delete the app in the end but now it is downloaded again :/ It is very addicting and I just need to stop. Hopefully I will pluck up the courage to stop again soon! In other news, I have found this a-mazing food shop. According to my mum it has been around for a very long time but I never knew we had one! It’s Holland and barrets and it is basically this amazing health food shop. I went in there yesterday and I bought:

Milk chocolate coated raisins,
Nakd banana bread bar,
Nakd coco loco bar,
Trek peanut and oat bar,
Flax seed 9bar,
Chickpea pate and
Pretzels!

I can’t wait to try everything! This is alll new food for me so I am really excited haha. And also, today I have made a new blog! Don’t worry I definitely won’t neglect this one. And it is for all you food lovers out there. Basically I am going to be writing lots of food reviews on there so it will be food based only so no ed posts or anything. And I might be doing recipes on there as well. Click HERE to see what I am talking about.

And also, I actually forgot to say this ages ago but I now have an instagram. It’s not very new anymore but I upload loads of pictures of my meals and all that so if you want to follow me then my name is littlepiggy_x

And that’s all I think! I probably won’t post tomorrow because of college but I wil definitely post on Tuesday 🙂 ❤

ED will fight.

Hi

Today has been a rolorcoaster of a day really. I have learnt that my issues with food are still big and they are still getting in the way of everyday life. I am trying my hardest not to plan my food and that actually seems to be going okay. The things I have not changed however is that I will still not allow myself to go over a certain number of calories which causes the problem of if I am very hungry during the day then I will not let myself eat if I think I am going to go over.

This all rolls into today as I had breakfast this morning and I had all my lunch packed and everything. I also had a bit of spare change so I could buy something if I wanted to. I always have to have lunch earlier than I usually would if I was at home on a Monday so sometimes this causes me to be hungry at different times than if I was at home as well. So I had my snack today as usual and then at 12:00 I felt really hungry. But it was a really weird feeling of hungry. I don’t know, it just felt different somehow. I ate all of my lunch anyway and then shortly after I left college earlier than usual.

I got home at about 1:45 and I usually get home at 5:45 on a Monday so you can see what a difference that is! Anyway, around 2:00 I wouldn’t say I was hungry but I had already thought about food around 150 at this point during the day. So I decided to have my afternoon snack early which I guess is okay as I had lunch two hours before that. Then around 3:00 I did start to want food again but I just brushed it off and ignored it. And then I basically kept thinking about food constantly from then on.

I can see that I should have just eaten now. My worry was that I shouldn’t be hungry because I have eaten things so close together today with only about two hours apart. My other worry was that I didn’t want to go over that certain number of calories. Anyway, It got to 5:30 and I was absolutely starving by this point. I felt quite weak and quite faint. I couldn’t understand it though because I gad eaten and I had eaten about the amount of what I usually eat when I don’t go to college. Just as I typed that out I think I can see the problem. If  I eat that amount when I don’t go to college then surely I would need a bit more when I do go to college as I am using a lot more energy at college.

I cooked my tea and served it up for the first time in a while today. In doing so I realised that I am very picky with my portion sizes and what not. It’s actually all come flooding back to me how small my portion sizes were and then I would just get rid of it anyway. I think I cooked a reasonable amount of the food but I got very worried plating it up and only put a very small portion on there. I ate it all and then I could hear the voice clear as day shouting at me. This actually really scared me because yes I do here the voice everyday but noadays it is a bit fainter than it used to be so it was quite a shock when I heard it screaming at me today.

I have also come to the conclusion that the voice was so loud because I was overly hungry. I was overly hungry because I clearly hadn’t eaten enough today. Luckily my mum did serve me up another portion even though I told her not to and I wasn’t going to eat it. Well I did eat it and I did enjoy it.

I know now what ED is like and if I get myself too hungry then ED won’t let me eat. The problem is not letting myself get to hungry. And that is a challenge. A huge challenge.