The reality of eating disorder recovery

Hello flowers,

I am ever so sorry for my recent absence. I realise that I haven’t posted in a little while and before that I only posted recipes! I guess I will tell you a little bit about my past week. Things have been up and down. Mainly down unfortunately but it is imperative that I keep that positive mindset going. Food has been the best it has for years and years. I cook for my family twice a week, we have roast dinners every Sunday, I bake and eat my baking, I eat pizza, pudding every single day of ice cream or a sponge pudding and I have lunch out with my mum at least once every two weeks. These are things I would NEVER have dreamed of doing only five months ago. Five months ago I was in hospital and I woke up every day feeling dread, hatred and self loathing.

This is where the downside comes in. I see many many people who go through recovery and they eat and suddenly their whole life falls into place. They have a job, friends, they go out have generally have FUN. I always wanted to be that person, I always wanted to recover just like that. I think the reality is what I described above is very rare. The more common type of recovery is that one eats and engages in anorexia recovery 100% (me) but then then their mood plummets, they feel more depressed than ever, they are tired, they don’t want to do anything like go shopping, horse riding or the things we love. We think we hang on a second,we were told me all of these professionals and all of our loved ones that if we eat then things will get better. Our mood will increase, we will have energy etc etc.

This is NOT (always) the case. I know exactly what has happened with me and I wanted to tell you all because I don’t have a solution to this problem but it helps knowing what the problem is. Because when you are just sitting there with the worst thoughts ever, it is so frustrating because you don’t know WHY. And I hope that this will help some of you understand a little bit more. When we starve our bodies of the most important source that it needs to function, generally everything goes to pot. We feel physically unwell as well as mentally unwell. Our mood decreases but also something quite interesting happens to our mood. Our brains can’t function properly and when you are eating so little this is even more the case. Your body starts to shut down and when you have NO energy supplies, the body desperately tries to get energy from your muscles to keep your body working.

This is why when our body and brain is malnourished then if a situation happens, it will go over the top of you. You might care about it but you don’t have the time and energy to think about it. You don’t have the energy to make up a thought process of I am feeling happy/angry/sad because… So because of this when you do start eating again your brain CAN function properly. You have thoughts and feelings that are so loud you can’t switch them off. The fact is your thoughts never went, they were always the same but malnourishment caused them to be buried. And this brings me around into a full circle of why you developed anorexia in the first place. Maybe (like me) you had extremely low mood to begin with and of course the anorexia (or other eating disorder) hid that away because you are so consumed on food that you can’t think about anything else. And if this is the case then you know that your low mood that you are experiencing now, it’s just the same as before. It may feel like your mood has gotten a lot worse than when you were buried in anorexia but the truth it is no no worse than before you developed anorexia.

You have come around full circle. Anorexia never got rid of your low mood, anorexia never got rid of the situation as to why you became ill in the first place. It covered everything up so you wouldn’t have to think about it and now here you are faced with the problem again. Like I said above, I do not have a solution to this problem. It is difficult for me to talk about why I became ill in the first place. I don’t 100% know why actually. But the thing I want to improve now that my brain is functioning well is that I want to practice self love. I want to banish all of the awful thoughts I have about myself. I don’t like talking about me being bullied at school, it was an extremely difficult time for me. I now have the thoughts every single day that everyone hates me. Everyone hates me and they would be better of without me. THIS is what anorexia covered up and THIS is why I feel low. Anorexia didn’t just cover that up. It covered up way more than that but the point is I know what I need to improve on. I need to learn to love myself and I think that your first step could be learning to love yourself as well. You don’t have to know why you got poorly. You just have to know the catalyst. (low mood, low self worth etc.)

I really do hope that this helps a few of you. This is where I am at right now and it’s painful so painful but I know if I went back to anorexia I would have no chance of a peaceful life. I would be forever battling with my mind. It is just baby steps like it has been my whole recovery, one foot in front of the other.

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Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.

My thoughts all in a jumble.

Hello 🙂

I haven’t been doing much today, just having a lazy day i guess. Still getting over a massive headache i have been haveing for weeks now 😦 I woke up this morning, had a shower and washed my hair and then my mum said she has got a job for me to do if i am bored so i folded up all of the clothes that had just been washed while watching 90210 😀 I seriously love that programme. And somehow i had missed about four episodes of it so i had a big catch up session of it this afternoon 😀

I am still feeling pretty crap about the food situation. I wasen’t hungry at all today. But guess what? I ate anyway. I had breakfast with my mum before she went of to work and then i had my snack, which i am pretty proud about because usually i would skip snacks altogether if i wasen’t hungry. And then for lunch i had baked beans on toast 😀 And no-one told me to have it! I decided to have it myself with no prompting from anyone.

My mum usually makes me beans on toast when she is at home because they are really good for you and have loads of good nutrients in them. She normally says that everything i choose is too low calorie and has no nutrient value in which is true i guess because i do tend to choose my “safe” options alot of the time and baked beans are not safe. (I don’t know why considering they are so good for you!)  So it was a pretty big deal that i made it all of my own accord as my mum is at work today.

I am very nervous about dinner though because i don’t know what it will be yet. My mum usually makes my dinner for me as i can’t really make good decisions myself. So i only find out till it is on the table which is really horrible for me because i like to know exactly how many calories i am going to have that day first thing in the morning.

I really am trying to break out of this habbit so that’s why it is a good thing to give my mum the control for my dinner i guess. I think i am pretty good at planning meals. Like i know what i should be eating but i just find it difficult to put it into practice if you get what i mean. Which is soo annoying. Like i always wake up in the morning thinking, right i am going to have this amount of calories today (a healthy amount) And that thought probably stays in my mind for about two minutes before ED takes over again.

This week has been so crap filled already. I just wish i could be fine eating a normal amount. Oh yeah, that extra 100 calories i said i was going to eat yesterday. It never happened. I got so panicked at dinner time. Thinking i was fat and i felt so, so sick. (it might of been because i was just over hungry) That i only ate half of what i was supposed to have for tea. And then me and my mum had an argument about it.

My mum basically said that i am going to end up in hospital soon and she will not visit me when i do. I did get upset at this comment but it wasen’t the fact that she said she woulden’t visit me, it was that she said that i will end up in hospital like she has lost all hope in me to get better at home.

Of course, i STILL, after all this time can’t see why she is saying this. I actually said to her that i just wanted to lose a few pounds and that i wasen’t going to end up in hospital because i eat breakfast lunch and dinner. I said that is healthy and i just don’t eat snacks because i am not a snacky person.

I still see this huge person when i look in the mirror. Maybe if i could see myself and “a stick insect” like my mum calls me then maybe i would find it easier to change.

But right now, i am SO confused.