The reality of eating disorder recovery

Hello flowers,

I am ever so sorry for my recent absence. I realise that I haven’t posted in a little while and before that I only posted recipes! I guess I will tell you a little bit about my past week. Things have been up and down. Mainly down unfortunately but it is imperative that I keep that positive mindset going. Food has been the best it has for years and years. I cook for my family twice a week, we have roast dinners every Sunday, I bake and eat my baking, I eat pizza, pudding every single day of ice cream or a sponge pudding and I have lunch out with my mum at least once every two weeks. These are things I would NEVER have dreamed of doing only five months ago. Five months ago I was in hospital and I woke up every day feeling dread, hatred and self loathing.

This is where the downside comes in. I see many many people who go through recovery and they eat and suddenly their whole life falls into place. They have a job, friends, they go out have generally have FUN. I always wanted to be that person, I always wanted to recover just like that. I think the reality is what I described above is very rare. The more common type of recovery is that one eats and engages in anorexia recovery 100% (me) but then then their mood plummets, they feel more depressed than ever, they are tired, they don’t want to do anything like go shopping, horse riding or the things we love. We think we hang on a second,we were told me all of these professionals and all of our loved ones that if we eat then things will get better. Our mood will increase, we will have energy etc etc.

This is NOT (always) the case. I know exactly what has happened with me and I wanted to tell you all because I don’t have a solution to this problem but it helps knowing what the problem is. Because when you are just sitting there with the worst thoughts ever, it is so frustrating because you don’t know WHY. And I hope that this will help some of you understand a little bit more. When we starve our bodies of the most important source that it needs to function, generally everything goes to pot. We feel physically unwell as well as mentally unwell. Our mood decreases but also something quite interesting happens to our mood. Our brains can’t function properly and when you are eating so little this is even more the case. Your body starts to shut down and when you have NO energy supplies, the body desperately tries to get energy from your muscles to keep your body working.

This is why when our body and brain is malnourished then if a situation happens, it will go over the top of you. You might care about it but you don’t have the time and energy to think about it. You don’t have the energy to make up a thought process of I am feeling happy/angry/sad because… So because of this when you do start eating again your brain CAN function properly. You have thoughts and feelings that are so loud you can’t switch them off. The fact is your thoughts never went, they were always the same but malnourishment caused them to be buried. And this brings me around into a full circle of why you developed anorexia in the first place. Maybe (like me) you had extremely low mood to begin with and of course the anorexia (or other eating disorder) hid that away because you are so consumed on food that you can’t think about anything else. And if this is the case then you know that your low mood that you are experiencing now, it’s just the same as before. It may feel like your mood has gotten a lot worse than when you were buried in anorexia but the truth it is no no worse than before you developed anorexia.

You have come around full circle. Anorexia never got rid of your low mood, anorexia never got rid of the situation as to why you became ill in the first place. It covered everything up so you wouldn’t have to think about it and now here you are faced with the problem again. Like I said above, I do not have a solution to this problem. It is difficult for me to talk about why I became ill in the first place. I don’t 100% know why actually. But the thing I want to improve now that my brain is functioning well is that I want to practice self love. I want to banish all of the awful thoughts I have about myself. I don’t like talking about me being bullied at school, it was an extremely difficult time for me. I now have the thoughts every single day that everyone hates me. Everyone hates me and they would be better of without me. THIS is what anorexia covered up and THIS is why I feel low. Anorexia didn’t just cover that up. It covered up way more than that but the point is I know what I need to improve on. I need to learn to love myself and I think that your first step could be learning to love yourself as well. You don’t have to know why you got poorly. You just have to know the catalyst. (low mood, low self worth etc.)

I really do hope that this helps a few of you. This is where I am at right now and it’s painful so painful but I know if I went back to anorexia I would have no chance of a peaceful life. I would be forever battling with my mind. It is just baby steps like it has been my whole recovery, one foot in front of the other.

Little update

Hello everyone,

I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.

My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦

Have a lovely evening   

Challenges.

Hi 🙂

So I challenged myself big time last night and I have finally got the time to sit down and tell you guys all about it. Im struggling with eating enough and last night I was quite hungry for my evening snack so I went against what I had planned and had something different! I really didn’t have much more as I had a nutri-grain ginger bake instead of two nairns stem ginger oat biscuits. But it was a challenge for me and it took all of my strength and effort to ignore what ed was screaming at me.

I do feel very guilty today and I even planned on restricting. I haven’t restricted anymore than I usually have though and for my afternoon snack I had a bigger one than what I had planned again! My afternoon snack was so hard today because my mum and I went out together and got home at 4:20 which is twenty minutes past my snack time. I know this sounds rediculous but I was panicking because I wanted my snack and didn’t know what to have because my mum will be serving me my dinner in less than two hours. In the end I decided on another ginger bake and that has satisfied me. I was just going to have an apple but I really am trying now to increase my calories.

It can’t be good eating the amount I am and it’s all healthy food anyway so a little more surely won’t do any harm, right? And my mum is cooking my dinner for me today because I was panicking last night about what I should have and I couldn’t decide and then I couldn’t get out of bed this morning because I was so anxious about food.

I haven’t felt like this in a loooong time and it’s really scary. My whole mind is consumed with negative food thoughts and im so tired all the time from all this worrying. It’s times like these when I feel like I am never going to get better 😦 I was doing really well but then out of no where I am struggling again.

Meeting with the dietician.

Hi 🙂

So today is my day off which  am pretty glad about actually as I didn’t get much sleep last night at all and also because I felt so, so ill this morning. Breakfast definitely helped to line my stomach though so I felt much better after but still sleepy! I had to wake up really early today as well for my dietician appointment which was at nine. So a seven o’ clock start it was. Jelous? 😛

The appointment didn’t go bad at all, except when I came home I started thinking all these thoughts which you will see later in the post. She weighed me there as I have been usuing my home scales and she said home scales arnet always accurate and the hospital scales showed that I had gained weight which I am not bothered about for three reasons.

1. The scales at the hospital are not the same as the ones I have at home so I could still be the same weight on my home ones.
2. I had just eaten breakfast so that would make a difference.
3. I was fully clothed and when I weigh myself at home I have the least on that I can get away with so I can get the “most accurate” result.

I asked what weight she wants me to be and she said she is going to try and get me up to a bmi of 20. Which I am not happy about. Basically, my doctor said that I could be a bmi of 19 and now she is saying I have to be 20. And I know for a fact that I will not be comfortable at all being a bmi of 20 because I don’t even like the way I look now. I see myself as fine being at this weight because loads of people maintain this weight perfectly but of course, I have to be higher than everyone else. And also I don’t want to gain weight because of my jeans size. I find it so frustrating because when I was at my lowest weight, loads of people I knew where the same clothes size as me. But the difference is that I was supposedly really skinny and they were normal. How on earth does that work out?! And now I have gone up a size and I really, really don’t want to go up again. I was so uncomfortable when I was that weight when I was healthy and I am worried that me being a bmi of 20 will look much bigger than anyone else being a bmi of twenty because I look all around me and everyone else looks slim and I look completely different.

She said I am doing really well as I am gaining a kg a week but this is on 2000 calories, sometimes less and people maintain on that amount. I feel so out of control at the moment and my weight just keeps going up and up whatever I eat. 😦

When I came home, I read my book for a while and now I have just been relaxing. It hasen’t been a brilliant day as my thoughts are just going round and round in circles. I’m trying not to care but I really do..

Sorry for the really depressing posts recently, I haven’t been feeling too great.