Life is so beautiful

Hello,
I went for such a lovely walk on Saturday and I wanted to share it with you. Unfortunately my mum and I only took out one of our dogs because the other was poorly so he was at the vets but he is getting better now thankfully. It was such a glorious sunny day on Saturday and perfect for a dog walk first thing in the morning. So unlike today as it has been pouring with rain and windy most of the day!

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That picture there is where Millie was barking at us because she wanted us to throw something in the water for her to bring back. She is absolutely ball mad and whenever we go out she ALWAYS finds a ball and she will bark and bark at us to throw it for her. Silly dog!

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Beautiful sunny day

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This was just before Millie disappeared off to find the muddiest ditch she could possibly find

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Millie’s socks. I laughed so much when she came out like this. I haven’t laughed that much in a while and in that second it just made me think life is so beautiful. There is absolutely no point in wasting precious moments like this than being so miserable and so unhappy. You can’t laugh when you don’t eat and you can’t appreciate anything at all. Because anorexia isn’t just about food and depression isn’t about crying all the time. It is much more deep rooted than that and you have to reach down deep to see that there is more to life than this horrible illness and no one can do that but you and you alone.

I hope you all have had a lovely Monday and just keep smiling ❤

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Christmas update.

Hi

I don’t know what’s with me because all of a sudden a massive wave of depression has hit me and I feel like bursting into tears. I feel like I have eaten way too much today and I just feel completely useless and fat. Yesterday went well. Or as well as it can go anyway. Straight after breakfast I went for a walk with the dogs and my dad to get some fresh air and to prepare myself for the day ahead. And then when we got back I just tried to calmly get ready and be as relaxed as possible. My family arrived at 12:30 and that’s the part where I started to feel very uncomfortable.

There were eight of them that came over so that makes thirteen of us in total. It was completely overwhelming to be honest and very chlostraphobic! The other hard part was the eating. I had breakfast like usual and then there was a huge break in between breakfast breakfast and lunch as lunch was at 3:00. I did manage to have a morning snack in the end. And the actual Christmas lunch went okay. We had a seating plan so I could choose where everyone was sitting so I was as comfortable as possible. I do admit that I didn’t eat as much as I wanted to because I was still hungry afterwards. That was the bit that I thought I had done rubbish with and I put myself down afterwards and said that I didn’t do good enough. My mum did say that she thought I had done very well because she actually thought that I wouldn’t eat anything. That made me feel better and then I had another think and thought that I actually shouldn’t be too hard on myself considering last year I didn’t eat anything at all and I am trying very hard to just eat at the moment. Yes it does matter that I eat enough as well but yesterday was a weird day so all that really mattered was that I ate.

I had a nice evening though with my family once everyone else had gone and that was nice. And then today has been a good day as well. I had the longest lie in ever. I slept till 11:00! I was feeling quite sluggish this morning and didn’t really want to do anything but I took the dogs out with my parents onto the beach and we had a lovely walk. I was also thinking that it is great that I can go for a short walk and not be so exhausted that I need to have a nap when I get home. I was tired but not so tired that I needed a sleep so that is great I thought. Then when we came home my parents went out to my aunties for a boxing day lunch and they have only just got back actually (8:00) when they went at 3:00. I was meant to go as well and then I decided that I would only go for an hour and then I decided that I wouldn’t go at all. haha. I was just really tired to be honest and I didn’t much feel like socialising.

So instead I stayed at home and watched “A Christmas Carol” which was quite good. And after tea for pudding today I had a slice of my tea loaf cake. It was so yummy but I felt terribly guilty and full and fat afterwards from eating it. 😦 I am hoping the feeling will wear off soon. And now for the rest of the evening I will probably just relax!

The other day I tried my new cashew butter on a piece of fruit loaf. I have to say I didn’t really like it. And then today I thought I would try it again on a few crackers. And suprisingly it tasted much nicer! I don’t know whether it has just grown on me or whether it just didn’t go right with the cinnamon and raisin toast. Either way it went perfectly with my favourite ever crackers 😀

Cashew butter.

Cashew butter.

And now tomorrow, me and my parents are going to Sussex to see my nana and my other cousins. It’s a five hour drive away which I am so not looking forward to! It will be nice to see everyone though and it will be like a second Christmas. I think we are going to leave at about mid day tomorrow as my mum wants to get there at about 6:00. And then on Friday we will see my auntie, uncle and cousins. And then on Saturday my parents and I are going to go on the train to London which I am so excited about. 😀 I believe we are going for a whole day as we are going to see the national history museum and the national science museum. So I won’t be blogging till I come back on Sunday but I will probably blog tomorrow. 🙂

And then for the food situation, what is going to happen is I am going to take a few things like cereal bars, yogurt ect. And then on Friday morning probably my mum will take me down to Waitrose and I can choose whatever I want from there. I am going to have ready meals I think as that is what I feel the most comfortable eating at dinner time as my mum probably wont be doing the cooking like usual. And then I am not sure what we are doing for food the day we go to London but we will see when the time comes. I think it will be great practice for when I go to Italy though. I have to say I am a little excited about there being a Waitrose near my nana. Well both my mum and I are because we sometimes shop at M&S which is quite upmarket but we can’t do our whole weekly shop there like I would like to as it is quite expensive for a family of five. So we are excited because Waitrose is quite the top of the food stores and according to one of my friends they have the best ever food there.

So that’s a kind of update of what I have been doing and what I will be doing for the next couple of days. I hope eveyone has had a wonderful Christmas. Xxx

First family therapy session and help me with anti depressants.

Hi

My day today has been totally rubbish. I have been a poorly pig practically all day! I had a nice long sleep till 10:30 and I woke up with a mild stomach ache. I thought it would be fine and it would just go soon. Hell was I wrong. I went downstairs to get breakfast and I was in absolute agony. Then after my breakfast of weetabix and painkillers I took myself upstairs and started to run a bath. I thought I would be okay after I had a bath but I was still awful so I lay in bed. And I didn’t get out of bed till 2:00. Result. My dogs were so cute though. They could tell I wasen’t feeling good and they both took it in turns to lie on the end of my bed. And then when no-one was in the house and I was left on my own, they both lay on the end of my bed together. What sweeties they are.

This was my lunch today:

Honey and parsnip soup with a slice of wholemeal bread.

Honey and parsnip soup with a slice of wholemeal bread.

It was absolutely yummy! Seasonal soup to get me in the Christmas spirit. And then after lunch, I had my first ever family therapy appointment. My mum came along as well and to be honest, we didn’t really know what to expect. I am glad to say though, that it actually went quite well! At the end of the session she said that she thought I had done amazingly well with all the talking. And I was quite happy that I managed to talk quite a bit. Mainly we just spoke about family relationships and we also spoke about the anxiety in the family. Like how anxiety affects the whole family and how people react about my illness and stuff like that. I think I felt a lot more relaxed than I do in a normal therapy session because it wasen’t all food related.

Also, last Tuesday my phschiatrist said he would give the family therapist information about the anti depressant he had picked out for me to take. So I got that today as well. I have had a little look and he has given me a choice of two. The first one is Mirtazapine which is especially good for sleep problems the leaflet says and then the second one is Sertraline which is good for anxiety.

Now, anyone who is reading this who has taken any of these medications I would really like some feedback. Did they work? Did they not work? Were they helpfull? Were the side effects strong? I have sort of decided that I don’t want to take Mirtazapine. This is because one of the side effects is increased appetite which causes weight gain. When I read this I did get a bit freaked out. So for anyone who has been on Mirtzapine particulaly, please tell me your opinions.

Pictuuures

Hello

Hope everyone is well. May I announce that as I type this my feet feel like that are going to fall off because they are that cold.. Anyway, onto the blog post 😛

It is actually starting to feel like Christmas now!! (Insert picture here)

Christmas tree 9.

Here is my Christmas tree 😀 We have just put it up today and it looks so pretty. I am really looking forward to Christmas now. (I didn’t think I would find myself saying that) but I am looking forward to it. I am still nervous about countless things but as we were putting our tree up today, the Christmas spirit finally started to kick in. And I like it 😀 Me and my sister had the Christmas carols going and it was just really nice!

This afternoon/evening I have been sorting out all my photos that are on my computer as there as a lot of them and they were all just so jumbled up! And I thought I would share some. So this can be a kind of “less words more pictures” kind of post!

Millie 19.

Here is a picture of my Millie that I took the other day. Take no notice of her dirty belly, discusting dog 😉 As you can see she really does need a brush!

Alfie 2.

Old picture but Alfie seriously loves sitting on the chair so he can watch whoever it is going by.

Now we are on the topic of my dogs, particularly Alfie, I have a funny/strange story to tell. This starts by me saying that I strongly believe animals have a sixth sense and I believe that they know exactly what is going on at exactly that time. This time last year, I was quite deep into my eating disorder. As you probably know, it’s very distressing for the person who is watching you failing to eat. Like I remember my mum would tell me to eat and I would just shout and scream at her. This happened almost every night. And this is where Alfie comes in, the dogs are always shut in the kitchen/breakfast room area as those two places are linked without a door. So everytime Alfie heard a raised voice or saw mum mum getting upset, he would let himself out of the room and go upstairs or in a different room. He can let himself out as he is quite a bit dog and he just jumps up and uses his paws to push down the handle (clever dog) Well anyway, I remember one time when he did it again and my mum said “oh now you have upset Alfie again” I don’t think I will ever forget that. It’s obvious that eating disorders are going to have an impact on family and freinds but never does anyone think that animals would be effected. Of course they are.

Pippin 72.

This is a picture of my hamster that I took a while ago. I walked into my room one evening and I just saw him hanging upside down in his cage. I thought it was hilariously funny so of course I had to snap a picture right away 😉

Pumpkin 4.

My pumpkin that I carved this halloween. (I was quite proud of it) 😛

Corfu 2.

An the last picture I am going to upload is this one. When I went to Corfu in 2011. I found it as I was organising all my pictures and look how beautiful it is!

My day.

Hello

I hope everyone is having a good weekend 🙂 Well, this morning I did a bit of my knitting. I love it. It’s my favourite distraction technique now and it is coming along really well! I am knitting a cardigan and so far I have done the left side and the right side and now I am currently doing the back. I still have quite a while to go but I am determined to get it finished before Christmas! 🙂

And then, after I had lunch this afternoon, my mum, my sister and me went into a town. It’s not our closest town as it’s about 45 minutes drive but we really like going there as most of the shops are independent ones and it is just really nice doing Christmas shopping there. Even though I have already done my Christmas shopping but whatever, who cares. 😛 They had quite a few markets there where I had a good look around while my mum and sister wizzed off without me haha! I loved looking at all the jewellery and I really wanted to get a necklace with my birth stone on and that totally failed as my birth stone is diamond. Expensive 😛 And then we went into our fave shop there called “odds and sudds” Let me tell you, this shop is amazing!! It sells loads of soaps and bath creamers and things like that. And they sell these like small balls with tones of flower petals in them and you put them in your bath and it makes it SO oily and smooth. Well, I actually got a lot from there last Christmas in my stocking. 😛 And then another one of our fave shops we went to is a kitchen shop. Basically it does all things kitchen and I wanted to buy the whole shop.. It’s probably the first time I have actually seen “cups” You know what the Americans measure in? Well I really wanted them so then that means I can cook American recipes. Lol! So yeah, I think I have already established that when it is time to go to uni I am deffo getting all my stuff from there as they even had a set of: large mixing bowl, small mixing bowl, colander, sieve and five measuring cups. How cool is that?!

Then when we came home I was absolutely frozen so I sat infront of the fire to warm myself up. And now I have just been having a relaxing evening. I watched Merlin which was fun as always and im actually on my own tonight which I don’t like because it means being left with my own thoughts. So my mum actually said I can have the dogs on my bed while I sleep. So yes I will be doing that 🙂 They are springer spaniels if you were wondering 😛

That’s all the positive things I have to say really. I have lots more but I don’t want to spoil a good post. I thibk im going to hit my bed now as I am shattered. Night<3

Go, go, go!

Today has literally been non-stop all day. I am absolutely shattered and it’s 9:00pm. I am deffinately going to try and have an early night tonight. So todays daily recap is:

I went to my maths exam this morning and i was pretty upset all the way through it and afterwards because i just had a complete mind blank. Lets just say today hasen’t been the best day for me feeling well phsycologicaly or physicaly. I knew something was wrong when i was getting ready for school. My stomack was in knots and i felt sick and then when i got to school it was because i was SO nervous about the exam. I don’t know why though because i have done the maths non- calculator exam and i felt that one went ok. But today because i was stressing so bad this morning, it was just awful. I got really upset and started panicking and shaking :/ And then what made things worse was that everyone who i asked, they said they thought it was fine and it wasen’t hard at all. So i am quite worried about that. But it’s not like my mum is going to hate me if i don’t get the grade i want because everyone knows how much effort i put in. And i revised SO much so i don’t think i should be worried that much.

After the maths exam, i had to go to my geography teacher because she said she wanted to see me when i had finished. And basically i have only found out today that the geography exam i am taking tomorrow is a retake from the one i took last year! I know i got a D last year but i still wish they haden’t have signed me up to retake it. Especially as i diden’t even have a choice and lots of other people did. I am under so much pressure at the moment that i can’t wait till all this has finished. I can’t even sleep properly now which is really upsetting me as well.

I finished geography at 1:45 and then i went home and quickly made myself lunch. I then made a cake because it is my mum’s birthday today and me and both my sisters got her a troll bead as a joint present and my dad got her the bracelett. It is SO pretty! Here is the picture of the cake i made her:

And then after i made that, My cousins, auntie and grandparents came round to wish my mum a happy birthday and have tea and cake 😀 And then by the time they had gone it was about 7:45. So really late! I diden’t get tea till 8:00 and i usually have it at 6:00! It diden’t bother me hugely though which is good.

So, i had a pretty good day after school but it was just really really stressful at school. And my geography teacher is expecting me to revise for tomorrows exam. Yea i haven’t done that. Purely because she has waited till today to get her act together and tell us what we need to be doing. It just annoys me and puts even more unnecserry pressure on all of us that are involved.

Before i go, heres a little pic of Alfie: