I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.
My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦
Hello, So today so far has been quite busy, this morning I finished my nanas birthday card and then I went out to buy some comfortable walking shoes as my feet keep getting sore when I take my dogs out. I mentioned earlier that I like card making although I wouldn’t say I am very good at it and i am still practicing. so here is the birthday card I made:
And then after that I went and bought a set of three storage draws as I was really running out of space to put all of my craft things.
There it is and also I put in a sneak preview of one of my draws 😛 Does anyone else like arts and crafts and things like that? I hope you are all having a lovely afternoon.
Today has been an okay day. In the morning I had to go to the doctors for my check up. And it’s changed to monthly so I am pretty happy about that! But he said he still doesn’t want to write me off completely. The appintment weny okay, I found out that I had maintained my weight from last month so I was very happy about that and he also seemed happy for me to continue being at this weight.
When I came home I had a quick breakfast and then at 11:30 I had a pilates class. This was my second time going as I went last week as well and I really enjoy it. I don’t do any exercise at the moment because I haven’t found something that I really enjoy yet so a few weeks ago I asked my sister what she thought I should do and she suggested that I do pilates as she goes to those classes and she really enjoys them. So the first time I went was last week and I really enjoyed it so we booked ourselves in to go again this week. This weeks class was quite a challenge, there were a lot of hard stretches and there were also a lot of balancing moves that we had to do which I was awful at. But I think I am going to start going to this class regually now as I don’t find it too strenuous and I think it would be good for me.
Then when I came home, I was hungry and I became very anxious about what I should eat. I was worried about eating too much fat and I didn’t want this and that is too unhealthy. In the end I chose a challenge food. It wasen’t unhealthy in any way at all so I felt happier about that. I had tomato soup with bread. But, it wasen’t just any old soup. It was out of a tin! This was a challenge for me as I only ever eat fresh soups because I always feel like tinned soups have too much salt in them. But this one wasn’t bad at all and I am really glad I had it because it tasted sooo nice.
Cream of tomato soup with wholemeal bread.
And then this afternoon I have been doing some college work and I also had a therapist appointment. It’s been a good day apart from the therapist appointment and I managed to do some work again today (whooo!) It wasen’t much at all but at least it was something haha. Fingers crossed I manage to do some tomorrow as I have a two hour break in between classes.
By the way, I had one of these yesterday:
It was really nice 😀 I have never had one of these before but they do them in all different flavours and they have a carob topping. I have never had carob before either. My mum bought some carob coated cashew nuts a while ago for me to try and they are still sitting in the cupbored. I have been a bit suspicious of carob because I didn’t really know what it was. But now I know it is a dairy free alternative to chocolate. It’s quite nice but I definitely prefer the real deal 😉 Anyway, I like these bars and I am definitely going to try another one. Yum!
Before I go into this I just wanted to say that unfortunately last night I did purge. Im not angry at myself in any way because I know these things do happen. I guess I am a bit scared though because at one point I went for a very long time without purging and now it seems like I can only go for a couple of weeks. Also every time I do it I say to myself oh that’s the last time, just try and pick yourself back up now. But I always end up doing it the next day and I remember about a month ago when that happened my dad found out and that’s how I stopped. So I am just worried that I will do it again today and then tomorrow and then it will all escalate.. 😦
Moving on, here are my meals from yesterday 😀 I love doing these what I ate posts but it seems like I eat way more than lots of people do on here. Like bigger portions.
Fruit and fibre with a sliced banana.
Starting with breakfast I had a bowl of fruit and fibre and then I sliced a banana on top. I love this cereal! I have never had it before but I needed cereal when I was in Sussex so I discovered this one and I really like it!
Baked beans on toast, grapes and a go ahead bar.
Then for lunch I had baked beans on toast. And then I always have a fruit and a snack with my lunch so this time I had a bunch of grapes and a blueberry yogurt breaks go ahead bar.
Hot chocolate and a cake bar.
For my afternoon snack I had Cadbury’s highlights hot chocolate and I also had a Cadbury’s milk chocolate cake bar.
Mushroom ravioli with tomato and basil sauce.
And then for dinner I had mushroom ravioli from Waitrose with their tomato and basil sauce. My friend reccommended me this and I absolutely love it! I really wish I had a Waitrose close to me now! And then afterwards I had an apricot activia yogurt. My favourite yogurts 😛
Apricot activia yogurt.
And then for my night time snack I had a slice of cinnamon and raisin toast and I spread it with peanut butter and I also had an apple as I haden’t reached my five a day!
Cinnamon and raisin toast spread with peanut butter.
And that’s all what I ate yesterday. 🙂 Gosh, it looks like an awful lot now that I see it like that I hope everyone has a good day today. 🙂
I don’t know what’s with me because all of a sudden a massive wave of depression has hit me and I feel like bursting into tears. I feel like I have eaten way too much today and I just feel completely useless and fat. Yesterday went well. Or as well as it can go anyway. Straight after breakfast I went for a walk with the dogs and my dad to get some fresh air and to prepare myself for the day ahead. And then when we got back I just tried to calmly get ready and be as relaxed as possible. My family arrived at 12:30 and that’s the part where I started to feel very uncomfortable.
There were eight of them that came over so that makes thirteen of us in total. It was completely overwhelming to be honest and very chlostraphobic! The other hard part was the eating. I had breakfast like usual and then there was a huge break in between breakfast breakfast and lunch as lunch was at 3:00. I did manage to have a morning snack in the end. And the actual Christmas lunch went okay. We had a seating plan so I could choose where everyone was sitting so I was as comfortable as possible. I do admit that I didn’t eat as much as I wanted to because I was still hungry afterwards. That was the bit that I thought I had done rubbish with and I put myself down afterwards and said that I didn’t do good enough. My mum did say that she thought I had done very well because she actually thought that I wouldn’t eat anything. That made me feel better and then I had another think and thought that I actually shouldn’t be too hard on myself considering last year I didn’t eat anything at all and I am trying very hard to just eat at the moment. Yes it does matter that I eat enough as well but yesterday was a weird day so all that really mattered was that I ate.
I had a nice evening though with my family once everyone else had gone and that was nice. And then today has been a good day as well. I had the longest lie in ever. I slept till 11:00! I was feeling quite sluggish this morning and didn’t really want to do anything but I took the dogs out with my parents onto the beach and we had a lovely walk. I was also thinking that it is great that I can go for a short walk and not be so exhausted that I need to have a nap when I get home. I was tired but not so tired that I needed a sleep so that is great I thought. Then when we came home my parents went out to my aunties for a boxing day lunch and they have only just got back actually (8:00) when they went at 3:00. I was meant to go as well and then I decided that I would only go for an hour and then I decided that I wouldn’t go at all. haha. I was just really tired to be honest and I didn’t much feel like socialising.
So instead I stayed at home and watched “A Christmas Carol” which was quite good. And after tea for pudding today I had a slice of my tea loaf cake. It was so yummy but I felt terribly guilty and full and fat afterwards from eating it. 😦 I am hoping the feeling will wear off soon. And now for the rest of the evening I will probably just relax!
The other day I tried my new cashew butter on a piece of fruit loaf. I have to say I didn’t really like it. And then today I thought I would try it again on a few crackers. And suprisingly it tasted much nicer! I don’t know whether it has just grown on me or whether it just didn’t go right with the cinnamon and raisin toast. Either way it went perfectly with my favourite ever crackers 😀
And now tomorrow, me and my parents are going to Sussex to see my nana and my other cousins. It’s a five hour drive away which I am so not looking forward to! It will be nice to see everyone though and it will be like a second Christmas. I think we are going to leave at about mid day tomorrow as my mum wants to get there at about 6:00. And then on Friday we will see my auntie, uncle and cousins. And then on Saturday my parents and I are going to go on the train to London which I am so excited about. 😀 I believe we are going for a whole day as we are going to see the national history museum and the national science museum. So I won’t be blogging till I come back on Sunday but I will probably blog tomorrow. 🙂
And then for the food situation, what is going to happen is I am going to take a few things like cereal bars, yogurt ect. And then on Friday morning probably my mum will take me down to Waitrose and I can choose whatever I want from there. I am going to have ready meals I think as that is what I feel the most comfortable eating at dinner time as my mum probably wont be doing the cooking like usual. And then I am not sure what we are doing for food the day we go to London but we will see when the time comes. I think it will be great practice for when I go to Italy though. I have to say I am a little excited about there being a Waitrose near my nana. Well both my mum and I are because we sometimes shop at M&S which is quite upmarket but we can’t do our whole weekly shop there like I would like to as it is quite expensive for a family of five. So we are excited because Waitrose is quite the top of the food stores and according to one of my friends they have the best ever food there.
So that’s a kind of update of what I have been doing and what I will be doing for the next couple of days. I hope eveyone has had a wonderful Christmas. Xxx
Im writing a blog post to distract myself right now. I am so scared at the moment and feel so out of control. More out of control than I have felt in weeks. I have just had my night snack and even though I am full my body just wants more and more. I have been feeling like this for days now where I have been eating but constantly thinking about food and wanting to eat more and more.
I had to pull myself out of the kitchen right now because there is half a jar of peanut butter in the cupbored which I feel I could easily demolish right now. I don’t understand. I am not even underweight and if I eat more especially now when it is nearly Christmas then I just know I will gain. If I went terribly over my calorie limit I have set myself then I just know I will purge. That’s why I had to physically drag myself out of the situation.
I can’t be hungrt. just can’t. I thought I have been eating well. I have been eating well. I am not really craving anything inpeticular. Just now I went to have my peanut butter on crackers like usual and I felt the strongest urge to eat more crackers or more peanut butter or something. I just couldn’t let myself eat just one more cracker because I thought I would end up eating the whole packet.
I don’t want to feel hungry all the time. It has happened for the whole of this week. My stomach has felt like a bottomless pit and it is scaring the hell out of me. I don’t want to go over that number of calories because I am terrified I will binge but on the other hand I do want to get better.
This whole situation has made me even more scared for Christmas. I know our Christmas dinner table will be piled high and I am absolutely terried that I will eat and then carry on eating. This worry has only become greater because I am now not feeling full signals.
It’s hard. Eating is a good thing I know. When eating turns into a binge it then turns into a purge. And now I am terrified of what the rest of the week will bring if it is going to be anything like it has been so far.
Today has been a rolorcoaster of a day really. I have learnt that my issues with food are still big and they are still getting in the way of everyday life. I am trying my hardest not to plan my food and that actually seems to be going okay. The things I have not changed however is that I will still not allow myself to go over a certain number of calories which causes the problem of if I am very hungry during the day then I will not let myself eat if I think I am going to go over.
This all rolls into today as I had breakfast this morning and I had all my lunch packed and everything. I also had a bit of spare change so I could buy something if I wanted to. I always have to have lunch earlier than I usually would if I was at home on a Monday so sometimes this causes me to be hungry at different times than if I was at home as well. So I had my snack today as usual and then at 12:00 I felt really hungry. But it was a really weird feeling of hungry. I don’t know, it just felt different somehow. I ate all of my lunch anyway and then shortly after I left college earlier than usual.
I got home at about 1:45 and I usually get home at 5:45 on a Monday so you can see what a difference that is! Anyway, around 2:00 I wouldn’t say I was hungry but I had already thought about food around 150 at this point during the day. So I decided to have my afternoon snack early which I guess is okay as I had lunch two hours before that. Then around 3:00 I did start to want food again but I just brushed it off and ignored it. And then I basically kept thinking about food constantly from then on.
I can see that I should have just eaten now. My worry was that I shouldn’t be hungry because I have eaten things so close together today with only about two hours apart. My other worry was that I didn’t want to go over that certain number of calories. Anyway, It got to 5:30 and I was absolutely starving by this point. I felt quite weak and quite faint. I couldn’t understand it though because I gad eaten and I had eaten about the amount of what I usually eat when I don’t go to college. Just as I typed that out I think I can see the problem. If I eat that amount when I don’t go to college then surely I would need a bit more when I do go to college as I am using a lot more energy at college.
I cooked my tea and served it up for the first time in a while today. In doing so I realised that I am very picky with my portion sizes and what not. It’s actually all come flooding back to me how small my portion sizes were and then I would just get rid of it anyway. I think I cooked a reasonable amount of the food but I got very worried plating it up and only put a very small portion on there. I ate it all and then I could hear the voice clear as day shouting at me. This actually really scared me because yes I do here the voice everyday but noadays it is a bit fainter than it used to be so it was quite a shock when I heard it screaming at me today.
I have also come to the conclusion that the voice was so loud because I was overly hungry. I was overly hungry because I clearly hadn’t eaten enough today. Luckily my mum did serve me up another portion even though I told her not to and I wasn’t going to eat it. Well I did eat it and I did enjoy it.
I know now what ED is like and if I get myself too hungry then ED won’t let me eat. The problem is not letting myself get to hungry. And that is a challenge. A huge challenge.