Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.

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Anxiety.

Im finding everything hard at the moment. Really hard. I don’t know why but I am just down and low all the time. When I got out of bed this morning I felt completely awful. My legs where shaking and I was so anxious for some reason. I also had chest pains. I have been having chest pains for a few days and when I went to my doctor, he said it was a bruised rib. I don’t know if that can be right though :/ The chest pain I had this morning was in a different place to usual and I definitely did not feel right. I will just have to trust my doctor though I guess! He soes know what he is talking about.

Also, I have been crying and oh so emotional recently. Like yesterday when we were out I just burst into tears. I was actually thinking about how different things have become since last year. Last year when I was very ill and underweight and ate nothing at christmas time. Last year when I just felt numb to all pain and emotion. And this year it’s much, much different. It’s harder than I ever thought it would be. Obviously I knew it wasen’t going to be easy. But I haden’t took into consideration that when I wasen’t eating, I wasen’t feeling any emotion whatsoever. And now it’s all come flooding out into this depression/anxiety horrible way. I never thought that I would feel as bad as this when I started eating again. I always thought I would feel so much better. Which makes the whole situation all the more odd and all the more harder to understand.

Because I had no emotion, it was like I wasen’t depressed at all. I was nothing like I am now. I was tired all the time and not doing anything because I literally had no energy whatsoever. I am scared for what is going to happen these next few weeks. I have not been coping well at all this weekend. Eating has been hard and it’s even harder that now I know when I wasen’t eating I didn’t feel emotion. And that’s what I liked I think. Because it feels like I never feel good emotion, always bad emotion. And I don’t want that.

I have completely stopped doing any college work at the moment because it is tiring me out so much. I am completely exhausted and feel like I don’t have any energy left in me to fight. My chest has felt tight all weekend and I would just like it all to stop now. I am in so much pain physically and mentally.