Little update

Hello everyone,

I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.

My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦

Have a lovely evening   

Advertisements

College and triggers.

Hi

I am back to my normal bloggy self 🙂 Today has been okay. Not as bad as it has been so that is a plus. I had college today which was 9:00-4:30 except it turned out till 3:30 😛 Mondays are my worst days because I find it really hard to focus for that long. But today I did manage to do some work and in my break I went into the library to do some work which I was really pleased with as my concentration skills have been shocking recently so I literally haven’t done any college work since being back from the Christmas holidays. Which is kind of shocking actually but I really am trying my hardest.

My appetite still didn’t come back during the day when I was at college. I felt like I was carrying a weeks worth of food in my stomach I was that full. But I ate all of my lunch box so I am pretty pleased with that. There have been quite a few times recently where I have been feeling so full and I just want to restrict and not eat anything for the whole day but I have been reminding myself that even if I am not feeling very hungry then I still need to eat. And that if I don’t eat then it will take me even longer to feel hungry because my body will probably just shut down as it might think it is going to be starved again. I need to make sure I eat every three hours now because if I don’t then I start feeling really sick and dizzy. It’s just not a good feeling. My hunger did however return before I had my dinner this evening so I was really pleased about that and I was able to eat a good sized portion without feeling guilty.

There was one trigger at college today though. The people who I am with talk about diets a lot and one of them is on these slimming pills and she has talked a lot in the past about how she has them and then when she finishes them all of her fat will be gone. She also said what she eats in a day with them and that triggered me a bit. And then today while we were in the library, the topic came up again and one of the girls said I use this app on my phone and it told me that the amount of calories I ate yesterday I was putting my body into starvation mode. And then she said I had a banana and a roast yesterday. These are all very triggering things especially as I have just deleted myfitnesspal for the second time and this made me want to download it again 😦 And then she said I will need to eat 1700 calories more today to reach my goal of 2080. Which means she only had about 400 calories by 3:00 in the afternoon and I had double that!

It makes me wonder that I don’t have anorexia at all and what I am doing is normal. Im bot going to lie, I am jelous. Because I think it is unfair how they are allowed to do all of that but if anyone finds out I am doing it then it is the end of the world. And I said to the I would like to try out zumba today and they said “to burn what fat, you are a stick.” That kind of hurt as they are allowed to eat just a banana and a roast in a day and I am not even allowed to exercise…

Sorry for the rant 😦 I just needed to get that out there. It’s been fizzling up inside me for hours.

New years resolutions.

Hi!

So, I wasen’t actually going to share my resolutions but I have been seeing all these posts about them and ladadadada so I thought I would join in 😀

  • To make sure I keep on top of my college work.
  • To look after myself properly. (shower everyday, brush teeth everyday etc.)
  • To treat myself once in a while. (Manicure etc.)
  • To eat my five a day every day.
  • To exercise at least twice a week.
  • To continue trying to beat anorexia.
  • To go outside at least once a day. Whether it’s just a ten minute walk or whatever.
  • To try and drink more water.
  • To carry on eating a balanced diet with treats in moderation.
  • To carry on facing my fears. Whether that is food fears, social, whatever.
  • To use the positive thoughts jar. Look HERE: (http://loopyluce.wordpress.com/2013/01/02/new-year-new-year/)
  • Carry on horse riding.

So those are my goals 🙂 Yeah, it looks a lot but actually it’s not really. Cause things like eating my five a day, well I sort of do that already. Well I did until about December when I kept eating lots of the fear foods I had conquered instead. 😛 So that’s just a reminder to pick myself back up again but also allow myself the treats. 🙂 And also I put exercise there because the fact is, I really need to. -_- I am at a healthy weight now and I think the reason why I sometimes don’t sleep very well is that fact that I haven’t got enough air in my lungs. Aaaaaaand, I am doing the jar because I thought it was the best ever idea! 😀 Except mine is a tin! I will picture it later. Anywho, here are my resolutions. Hope you all have had a good day.

 

My weekend.

Hello 🙂

I feel like I have had a really good and productive weekend. I didn’t do much work though which I completely freaked out about last night when I found out I have about four assignments due in this week. I have started all of them though which is good and I do have two days off this week where I can do some work and I also have over three hours of break on Wednesday where I can go to the library. I have been getting so worried about college work. I just find it takes me so long to do, much longer than I have the time and energy for and I am starting to get really upset as I don’t think I will be able to get the mark I wanted to.

On Saturday, in the morning I just relaxed a bit and then me and my mum went to the shop to get some food supplies. And then when we came home it was already time for lunch as we needed to have a quick lunch because we were going horse riding. Horse riding was okay this week. I didn’t get put on the horse that I usually do but I was on a horse that I have ridden once and I did enjoy riding her last time. For some reason though I just could not get relaxed and I kept trying to make her stand still because I had to wait for about ten minutes actually on her for everyone else to get ready and get on. And she kept trying to edge up the hill and apparently I wasen’t relaxed enough as they said I have to relax my hands and then she would relax as well. And then when I started riding, I actually thought I was relaxed but the lady we where with said I had to focus on being relaxed so I kept getting un-relaxed because I was trying to focus on being relaxed. If that makes any sense. It was a good ride though and I would happily ride her again as she is a lovely horse. I think I was just having an off day with riding. If that can happen? Well I am a bit worried now because I thought I rode really rubbish on Saturday and I want to ride good and be confident again.

And then when we came home I had a shower and a rest and then it was time for tea. My mum and dad then went out together for the evening as it was one of their freinds birthdays which meant I was left at home alone as both my sisters were working late. I was a bit anxious before at being left at home alone because I always think really bad thoughts and then I fall into that depressed state very easily. On Saturday though I didn’t have any bad thoughts at all. I knew that I had Merlin to watch at 8:00 and I didn’t know what I was going to do in the in- between time but somehow I was on the computer and then by the time I knew it, it was time for Merlin and I haden’t had a single bad thought!

And then yesterday, in the morning I cleaned my hamster out and then I did a little bit of work, I then went swimming again. My second time going swimming and it was really good. I went on my own this time so my dad just dropped me off and then when I got in there, there were only three other people in the pool. I actually felt quite comfortable. I think I have got the hang of this swimming lark now! And let me tell you, I can definitely feel my muscles aching today from the swim. Now the next thing I need to do is make sure I am eating a proper amount of food when I exercise. I have also found these past few days that I am getting hungry at college even after I have eaten everything that I have packed. So maybe that is a sign that I am not eating enough during the day. I do know that I tend to save all my food until the evening so maybe that is something that I need to work on.

After swimming I had lunch. I had cheddar cheese in my bagel which I am pretty pleased about because I absolutely love cheddar cheese but I haven’t had it in a while as it is not a safe food of mine. Laughing cow is but it is just not as tasty as good old cheddar. And then for the rest of the afternoon I just rested as I was quite tired. 😛 And also, I had dinner with my family in the evening. That is my mum, my dad, my two sisters and one of my sisters boyfriends. So that is quite a lot f people when you usually only eat on your own so it was quite a challenge for me but now I can say I did it. I didn’t quite have what they all had as they had a roast dinner. None of my vegetables were roasted and my potato wasen’t either but I hope that doesn’t matter.. Anything roasted/fried is my biggest fear food left I think. And also my mum is trying to get me to eat with the family for Sunday dinner as we will be having about 13 people over for Christmas lunch. What a scary thought!

I have a day off tomorrow which I am pleased about. It doesn’t mean I can have a rest though! I have a ton of work to do. And as my last thing that I am going to say, me and my hamster share a food love- peanut butter. He loves it! Haha 😛 I fed it to him yesterday because the other day I googled it to see if it was okay for hamsters to eat and I found out it is but only if you give them tiny quantities because as it is a sticky food it can clog their throat up. Anyway, I spread a teeny bit on his wooden tube and he ate it in the space of about two minutes. He loves it!! And now I am really excited because I love it too.

Wow, I am so sorry this is such a long post! So much to say 😛 I hope everyone has had a good weekend and a good day today. 🙂

Being anxious.

I have a lot to say today so I thought I would make a new post rather than adding onto my other one. Somehow it got very long over a topic that could have only been five lines long. Haha, that’s me.

This one is going to be about today. I had quite a bad morning. I woke up and I was so anxious, I don’t even know why. I looked at my alarm clock and thought to myself, oh it’s the first of December. And then I thought back to last year and got quite upset. Last year when I was starving myself and when I wouldn’t allow myself any good things at all. I felt a pang of sadness for myself. I know that is so stupid. I just remember December being the worst ever month last year.

It was the year where I was so into my eating disorder and at the beguinning of January when I hit my lowest weight. A few weeks ago, I actually got very upset about the same thing and my mum said but it is a good change isen’t it? I couldn’t actually answer. Because I know it is a good change but it still doesn’t feel right inside. I so want to get better but I am so anxious about getting better. My eating disorder was like my comfort blanket. Where it would tell me everyone who I ever wanted to love me at school would. People just didn’t like me because I was fat. And it’s hard to let go of that because it has be ingrained in my mind for so long. Long before I ever started starving myself.

So that was one thing I was worried about. The other thing was that I thought ED might be taking over me again. There was an incident yesterday. I was so busy the whole day and I didn’t eat as much as I should have done and I went swimming in the evening because it had been planned for a week. I told my mum how I haden’t eaten that much and she said right well you have to have a big snack and a milky drink after swimming. When I was at home after swimming I moaned and complained because I was really full. I felt like I would just explode. In the end I had something to eat and I lyed to my mum. I said I had eaten more than I actually had.

This makes me feel bad. Bad because I really want to do exercise and my mum said if I am not sensible about this whole thing then she won’t let me do any exercise. I like doing the exercise because it makes me feel like I am eating for a reason. But the ED voice always has to have the last say and it’s been telling me that as I can now exercise then I have to eat less so I will be able to lose weight and then I will be even thinner than I was last year.

I am trying to fight that evil voice so much. It’s evil and it’s like poison. It will never leave me alone and that hurts.

Swimming.

Hi

You might remember a few months ago that I was finally told by my doctor that I am allowed to do exercise. Well, I did go to the gym for a bit but really, I didn’t really like it. I didn’t feel comfortable and it just wasen’t a place that I enjoyed being. So I stopped going there after about two months. I thought there wasen’t really any point in going if I didn’t enjoy it because exercise is supposed to be fun and not something that you should force yourself to do. Well that’s what I think anyway.

So, last week I was thinking what exercise there is for me to do. Something that I used to like doing and something that I could possibly start up again. I came up with swimming. I used to absolutely love swimming. I would have swimming lessons when I was younger and then when I stopped those my dad took me swimming once a week. I haven’t been in years though as I am extremely self concious about my body. Well, I asked my mum what she thought and she said I could try. I looked up the swimming timetable and they have adult sessions where there are no children in and it is just swimming. And I was relieved to find out, I am an adult.

So yesterday, my dad took me to the pool in the evening. I was very, very nervous to be honest. I didn’t have a clue how many people were going to be there and I thought I would be stared at. (that sounds really silly because why would people stare at me when they have come to swim?!) It turns out, no- one was in the pool except this one person who came in about ten minutes before we got out. So it was just me and my dad in the pool for the majoraty of the time. I was a bit anxious with my dad coming with me but I didn’t really want to go on my own either….

It turns out it was okay with my dad being there. I would have prefered it if I was without him though tbh. The reason being is and before I say this I don’t want anyone to think bad things about me. I know what I think in my head is a bit messed up sometimes but I can’t help thinking it. The reason is that me and my dad used to exercise a lot together, like we would go to the gym. And I would always feel like he was competing with me. I could always sworn that I had saw him look at my screen to see how far I had gone and he always seemed to be looking over at me and pedalling harder. Or he would go onto the machine that is right next to me and start running as fast as he could when I would just be walking.

It made me feel very lazy to be honest and yesterday at the pool I did feel a bit like that. Especially when we were driving back in the car and he said I feel very good about that, I don’t know whether I will go to the gym tomorrow though. Actually, I suppose I should. That made me feel lazy. Because I haven’t done any exercise in ages and I already felt a bit guilty.

Overall, I did enjoy going swimming and I am going to go again but I think I will go on my own next time. I just need to get myself to feel more comfortable.

Weigh in :)

Hello 🙂

I am feeling so tired today and the weekend seems to have taken an age to get here! I had my weigh in this morning at my doctors and I have put on three pounds. I am not sure what to make of that really. At first I diden’t really care but now it has worried me quite a bit. It really shouldent worry me at all though as it was three pounds in four weeks and I used to gain about two pounds every week! I am really worried of that happening again so I was really pleased to find out the gain had slowed down this time. About the exercice, my doctor said that I am allowed to do it twice a week. But he gave me the whole talk about people with eating disorders can develop an exercice obsession, so we agreed that if I lost any weight then I will have to stop.

I don’t really want to lose any weight now because I want to do exercse so that is my biggest motivation! The one thing is, I am not sure how much food I should add on, if any. As I am only exercising for fun not to burn off calories. It feels great to be trusted like this again, and hopefuly come september I might be feeling a bit better about myself 🙂

Also, next week on Tuesday me and my mum are going horse riding together! 😀 I love horse riding. I used to go every week when I was younger and I would spend all Saturday morning at the stables doing various things. And now me and my mum are going on a ride for two hours and my mum is going to ask about doing lessons there as I really want to start again.

I am going to go now as I am sooo tired. I hope everyone has a good rest of your day and have a good evening 😀