Today I wanted to talk to you all about challenging yourself in a HEALTHY way. I think that anyone with any type of mental illness has fallen victim to punishing themselves and setting themselves too high a goals which they cannot achieve. I know personally my goals were ridiculous, to be friends with everyone and to be happy and bubbly all of the time. So in the end I was exhausted and wearing myself out and my anorexia got stronger and stronger until I felt oh this is great, I am losing weight finally something I can be good at. Of course in time I found myself as unhappy as ever and so I entered recovery and have been trying to find new ways of challenging myself that do not include unachievable goals or physically and mentally harming myself.
This next week marks a very important week for me in my recovery because my parents left for France yesterday evening for 10 days. I got ever so anxious yesterday and when I get anxious I scream because I don’t let the thoughts come in. So I am just sat with an anxious feeling and I have no idea why. But yesterday was one of the easier times where I could link my anxiety to a big event and sometimes I can’t do that. So, after I had calmed down a little bit I thought to myself… This is a REALLY BIG positive step. I am challenging myself from being away from my mum so I have to take care and responsibility of my own recovery. This is a huge positive and healthy challenge because I am not going to be punishing myself and I have set myself an achievable goal and if I don’t quite manage then no harm is actually done. I am still going to feel accomplished because being away from my parents is already half of the challenged ticked already.
So I wanted to share with you a few other little challenges that I have/want to achieve. I do lots of planning of these kinds of challenges and it makes me feel SO GOOD once I have finished them. Like I didn’t know I could have such a confidence boost just by doing my favourite hobby regularly or doing homework tasks set by my therapist. You will see these goals are not entirely food related but some are because I like to have a mixture. The one thing they all have in common is health and well being related. Here are my goals:
To make my friendship bracelets whenever I have a few spare minutes in the day
To give in my job application forms (already done this one!)
To go horse riding as regularly as possible. I love horse riding but sometimes it’s a lot of effort to make myself go. Just because my negative voices are very loud and recently I seem to have lost interest in nearly all of my hobbies. But horse riding is something that actually makes me feel good about and it is a challenge to make myself go so that is why it is on here
To put effort into my mindfulness practice and to do it at least three times a week
To go back to college in September (That’s a huge one and I have knots in my stomach just thinking about it!)
To make the effort to have lunch out with any family member each week. This is an important one because I have found that I absolutely love having lunch with my mum. I can talk to her about therapy and any worries I might have and because it is at a time and day that we have planned to have lunch then I can plan what to say and I find that very useful because if we didn’t do that then there wouldn’t be another time that I feel more comfortable talking to her. Because at my house it is busy busy busy!
To make sure I keep writing to my pen pals
To make sure I look after myself. Wash my face, put a bit of make up on, use my perfume, use my favourite shower gel and body lotion. Hand cream and foot cream. When I was deep into my illness I wouldn’t do any of this. My hands and lips were completely cracked and bleeding because I refused to look after myself. Now I wake up feeling like I want to get out of bed and have a nice day just because it feels a bit nicer being in my skin.
To walk my dogs everyday
So those are all of my goals and challenges to make me feel like I have a purpose to my life and I am not just floating around doing nothing. I have ambitions and I want a proper life and hopefully my goals will help me towards that. What are your personal challenges/goals? I would love to hear them.
So those are my goals 🙂 Yeah, it looks a lot but actually it’s not really. Cause things like eating my five a day, well I sort of do that already. Well I did until about December when I kept eating lots of the fear foods I had conquered instead. 😛 So that’s just a reminder to pick myself back up again but also allow myself the treats. 🙂 And also I put exercise there because the fact is, I really need to. -_- I am at a healthy weight now and I think the reason why I sometimes don’t sleep very well is that fact that I haven’t got enough air in my lungs. Aaaaaaand, I am doing the jar because I thought it was the best ever idea! 😀 Except mine is a tin! I will picture it later. Anywho, here are my resolutions. Hope you all have had a good day.
So about two weeks ago me and my mum where discussing about going on holiday for a week in February. Holidays are hard for me as I had a bad experience when I went last year in August when I was struggling with my ED so we haven’t been on one since. I said I would go for it and now I think about it I am SO nervous. I am no where near ready to go on holiday yet so I have a whole list of goals that I want to complete before I go. We have decided to go to Rome which is in Italy and we have already booked the flights and everything. So actually I have mixed feelings: on one hand I am really nervous but on the other hand I am so excited and can’t wait to go! Here are my goals that all need to be completed before february when I go on holiday:
Eat with my parents for dinner.
Go out to a cafe to get a drink and maybe something to eat.
Eat pizza.- I adore pizza and it’s from Italy so obviously I will need to have some there. But haven’t had it in over a year.
Go to a restaurant for dinner
And just listen to my body.- I still struggle with doing this so I shall put it on my goals list.
Really, I am worried about everything when I go on holiday as the hotel is just bed and breakfast so I am worried about what time breakfast will be and also what will be for breakfast. And then the other two meals we are going to have to eat out at a restaurant which scares the hell out of me. Okay, right now I am thinking to myself why the hell did I say yes when my mum asked me if I would like to go on holiday. I am totally freaked out and wondering if I have done the right thing. I love going on holidays and I am sure we will be doing lots of walking so hopefuly that won’t be as bad and I will feel less guilty..
I got weighed today and I was so distraught when I had put on the three pounds to make me 49kg. I know it’s only three pounds but I am not joking, last night I actually saw that my stomach was sticking so far out and my thighs where all flabby that I knew it is real weight not water weight. So I can’t maintain on as much as I thought I could. The worse thing is I was still so hungry when I was eating that much. I could have eaten so much more! Which is what upsets me. I will just gain if I eat to my hunger..
I went into town this afternoon to buy some books to read to cheer me up. I must say, I am not the biggest fan of reading but I think I prefer true stories to fiction, so I bought two of them, dog related of course 😛 And two fiction books just to test out as they looked quite good. Well one of them looked funny and the other looked fantasy ish.
I never know how to end a blog post so I will just cut it here.. 😀