Yesterday lunch

Hello everyone,

I shall be posting a recipe later on today but first I wanted to do a little post about my lunch that I had yesterday. Me and my mum love going out for lunch so we decided to make it a regular occurrence and we usually go once a week depending on how busy we both are. It’s lovely to spend some time with my mum and also I sometimes meet her before/after therapy so it puts me in a good mood. We have two favourite cafes now but we want to find new places to go because it’s always nice to go somewhere different!

The place I went to yesterday was actually a shop and they have a cafe on the top floor. I think lots of places do that now actually and I like going there because then I can look at all of the kitchen/craft stuff when I am finished 😉 Yesterday I felt like a toasted sandwich and I hadn’t actually seen them do toasted sandwiches before but maybe that is because I wasn’t looking? I chose a cheese and tomato toastie and it was delish.

Cheese and tomato toastie

And then for pudding we both got a cake and I got the coffee and walnut cake which is one of my favourite ever flavours. I have also had the chocolate brownie there before as well. I think I like my chocolate things 😉 I shall have to try the chocolate cake next time I go. I have always been eyeing it up but I think that saying you eat with your eyes is true. Because once my dad bought a cake slice and I just wouldn’t have chosen to eat it because it looked just a bit boring but I had it and it was actually very tasty. I don’t know I think that I do usually make such a fuss if my food doesn’t look tasty I think that is definitely something I need to work on! But I don’t think it is a specific eating disorder thing. I think it is a me being silly thing! Ramble over… Here was my cake.

Coffee and walnut cake

I did enjoy it but it was very very dense. It wasn’t light and fluffy and my mum said that my homemade cakes are 1000x better. I think a bake session is in order this weekend 😉 Something different will be happening next week. Something different and scary. On Tuesday I am going out for lunch but I am not going with my mum, I am going with my dad. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship and my illness has made it worse. The other day I was just talking with my dad and suddenly I asked him out for lunch. I am not one to be so forward but I did it and I am actually very proud. Me and my dad don’t really do anything together and if we do then my mum is always there. So I hope that this will be a good time to bond and also it will be out of the house and at my favourite cafe so I think (I hope) that I will feel relaxed because most times I don’t feel relaxed at home and that’s when the conflict starts.

I think I am making important steps and I am quite proud of myself which one day I won’t be ashamed of saying! Eating lunch out is getting a little bit easier each week and I think it just proves that if you try then you will succeed. I am aware that most people might not go out for lunch once a week but I think for me it is helping challenging myself and it helps putting an hour aside each week so me and my mum can have a good chat in a calm and relaxed environment which unfortunately is not home at the moment but it will be. Just take each day as it comes.

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A bit about my week

Hello,

I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little.
So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself.
So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again.
Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off.  It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself.
Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate.
And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:

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I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.

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I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon

Don’t be sad when it’s sunny

Hello everyone,

So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster”  days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out.
I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place  because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her.
So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat.
I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.

Meal plan.

I feel the need to document this because I feel like the fattest person ever to have come on this earth. So here goes.

Breakfast: 40g porridge oats with 120ml of soy milk and a tsp of honey, grapes.

Snack: Soreen banana lunchbox loaf.

Lunch: 50g couscous with 1/2 jar of chargrilled vegetable sauce and 70g quorn chicken pieces.

Snack: Large banana.

Dinner: Two slices wholemeal toast spread with 2tbsp peanut butter, nectarine and raspberry yogurt.

Snack: Graze black pepper popcorn.

And I was going to have more to get me to at least near my calories but this popcorn has outdone me. There was literally SO much of it and I seriously don’t think I can fit another thing in me. What the hell is wrong with me? Im horrible 😥

It’s finally Friday!

Hello,

I am so exhausted so I am looking forward to the weekend. Which is so weird me saying that because I am on my Easter holidays so I am not doing that much anyway. But I guess weekends are a change of routine so there is bound to be a change in atmosphere. Also it is my sisters birthday on Sunday so I am looking forward to making her a cake.

Todays breakfast:

Porridge topped with brown sugar.

Porridge made with milk and sprinkled with dark brown sugar. This was absolute heaven! And this was my first time trying Quaker oats (not the instant) and I really loved them. They had a much smoother texture to the ones I normally use and I made the consistency perfect first time around. I always have trouble with making my porridge too thick. I hate thick porridge so I think these oats are definitely a keeper.

After breakfast I had a 9:00 family therapist appointment. I have only ever been with my parents before so I was really anxious when I found out both my sisters were coming along as well. My mum kept saying “well it is family therapy” but it just all sounds a bit too scary for me. I don’t exactly get on that well with one of my sisters and I thought she was going to say some horrible things. She did say some things that I didn’t like but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Overall the session went okay and I have agreed for the whole family to come to the next session as well. I feel like that was a positive step which I have taken today and I am quite proud of myself. I have not been feeling as down today as I have recently so I am really happy about that. I know though that the depression will come back in full force tomorrow or tonight. I hate to be so negative but that has always been the way.

When I came home I just relaxed and watched some television. I then fixed myself up the most perfect lunch:

Cottage cheese and avocado wrap. 

This is a Mediterranean herb wrap filled with cottage cheese and half an avocado. I have been loving cottage cheese recently! I used to eat it and I forgot how good it tasted. And then I re-found my love for it because I realised that I probably wasn’t getting enough protein in and this stuff is absolutely amazing for protein!

After lunch I played with my bunny:

Rory 7. 

I forgot to tell you all but Rory is a fairly new bunny. I got him in February just before I went on holiday Smile with tongue out I saw him in the pet shop and it was love at first sight haha. I wanted him sooo badly but my mum said I wasn’t allowed him until we came back from holiday. I knew there was a 90% chance he would be gone by then so me and my sister devised a plan that she would care for him and take him out for exercise etc. while I was away. We told my mum and it worked, she let me have him! He is only about 15-16 weeks old so he is still only a baby but he is absolutely adorable. He comes to his name now and everything. Smile with tongue out

So that’s my day really. I haven’t really done much at all but then again I haven’t really been doing anything this week. I don’t feel so bad about it know though. Well I am trying not to feel guilty.

I hope everyone has a good weekend Smile

What do I eat?

Hi!

I am rather nosey myself and love seeing what other people eat so I thought I would share some of the things I have eaten recently! This won’t be a full day or anything, it will just be random meals from any day but I think I am going to participate in next weeks WIAW 😀 I have been on a real cooking kick lately so I have been cooking a lot of my dinners so I will show lots of those.

So firstly breakfast pictures:

Weetabix with a sliced banana and milk.

Weetabix with a sliced banana and milk.

So my most common breakfast is some type of cereal with milk and a banana. I absolutely love Weetabix and also sultana bran is a favourite as well. I also love anything and everything to do with peanut butter. Crumpets are the best things ever:

Crumpet spread with peanut butter and a banana.

Crumpet spread with peanut butter and a banana.

I have been experimenting a lot with my breakfasts recently as they are all a bit samey so I came up with this a few weeks ago:

Apple and cinnamon overnight oats.

Apple and cinnamon overnight oats.

This was my first time making overnight oats and I topped it off with peanut butter. I did like it but I am still searching for my perfect breakfast! I know breakfast is a lot of peoples favourite meal but for some reason I don’t really like eating in the mornings so I just like to grab something quick.

Now for lunch. My lunches vary a lot which I love.

Baked beans on toast.

Baked beans on toast.

One of my favourite lunches at the moment has got to be baked beans on toast. I have that one a lot 😀 Another lunch I have quite a lot is soup:

Homemade spiced carrot soup.

Homemade spiced carrot soup.

I made this one out of a book that only has vegetarian soups in and it was really nice. Im really trying to make my own food now as cooking is such a hobby of mine. It has its downsides now as I do get VERY obsessed.

Mediteranian herb wrap with onion and chive cottage cheese, sweetcorn and quorn ham.

Mediteranian herb wrap with onion and chive cottage cheese, sweetcorn and quorn ham.

This is a lunch that I have just come up with recently. It is so nice and I have forgotten how much I love wraps so I will definitely be having more of them in the future!

And now for some dinners:

Homemade quorn shepards pie with sliced tomatoes.

Homemade quorn shepards pie with sliced tomatoes.

I have this dinner quite a lot and it’s probably one of my favourites. We have a quorn book in my house and it has recipes using all the quorn products so that is where I got this from. And I like it because the mashed potato has parsnip in with is so it gives it a nice taste.

Homemade bean and pepper stew with couscous.

Homemade bean and pepper stew with couscous.

This is one of my new recipes that I have tried out. I have recently bought a vegetarian cookbook and it’s great because all the recipes are under half an hour and there are variations for each one for ten minutes, 20 minutes and thirty minutes. I really liked this stew and it is definitely one I will be making again.

 

Homemade sweet potato curry on chapatti.

Homemade sweet potato curry on chapatti.

My last dinner is another recent recipe find. I loved this and I absolutely love chapatti- I have every curry with them.

And of course there has been some snacking going on:

Hot cross bun loaf spread with peanut butter.

Hot cross bun loaf spread with peanut butter.

Hot cross bun with spread and a hot chocolate.

Hot cross bun with spread and a hot chocolate.

 

Cadbury's mini egg nest cake.

Cadbury’s mini egg nest cake.

So that is about all what I eat. I am rying my hardest not to stick to being “healthy” all the time. I am still recovering and I must be okay eating a few “treats” once in a while. I do find it tricky, especially right now but it’s all part of recovery!

Tuesday post.

Hello 🙂

Today has been an okay day. In the morning I had to go to the doctors for my check up. And it’s changed to monthly so I am pretty happy about that! But he said he still doesn’t want to write me off completely. The appintment weny okay, I found out that I had maintained my weight from last month so I was very happy about that and he also seemed happy for me to continue being at this weight.

When I came home I had a quick breakfast and then at 11:30 I had a pilates class. This was my second time going as I went last week as well and I really enjoy it. I don’t do any exercise at the moment because I haven’t found something that I really enjoy yet so a few weeks ago I asked my sister what she thought I should do and she suggested that I do pilates as she goes to those classes and she really enjoys them. So the first time I went was last week and I really enjoyed it so we booked ourselves in to go again this week. This weeks class was quite a challenge, there were a lot of hard stretches and there were also a lot of balancing moves that we had to do which I was awful at. But I think I am going to start going to this class regually now as I don’t find it too strenuous and I think it would be good for me.

Then when I came home, I was hungry and I became very anxious about what I should eat. I was worried about eating too much fat and I didn’t want this and that is too unhealthy. In the end I chose a challenge food. It wasen’t unhealthy in any way at all so I felt happier about that. I had tomato soup with bread. But, it wasen’t just any old soup. It was out of a tin! This was a challenge for me as I only ever eat fresh soups because I always feel like tinned soups have too much salt in them. But this one wasn’t bad at all and I am really glad I had it because it tasted sooo nice.

Cream of tomato soup with wholemeal bread.

Cream of tomato soup with wholemeal bread.

And then this afternoon I have been doing some college work and I also had a therapist appointment. It’s been a good day apart from the therapist appointment and I managed to do some work again today (whooo!) It wasen’t much at all but at least it was something haha. Fingers crossed I manage to do some tomorrow as I have a two hour break in between classes.

By the way, I had one of these yesterday:

Flax 9bar.

It was really nice 😀 I have never had one of these before but they do them in all different flavours and they have a carob topping. I have never had carob before either. My mum bought some carob coated cashew nuts a while ago for me to try and they are still sitting in the cupbored. I have been a bit suspicious of carob because I didn’t really know what it was. But now I know it is a dairy free alternative to chocolate. It’s quite nice but I definitely prefer the real deal 😉 Anyway, I like these bars and I am definitely going to try another one. Yum!