I shall be posting a recipe later on today but first I wanted to do a little post about my lunch that I had yesterday. Me and my mum love going out for lunch so we decided to make it a regular occurrence and we usually go once a week depending on how busy we both are. It’s lovely to spend some time with my mum and also I sometimes meet her before/after therapy so it puts me in a good mood. We have two favourite cafes now but we want to find new places to go because it’s always nice to go somewhere different!
The place I went to yesterday was actually a shop and they have a cafe on the top floor. I think lots of places do that now actually and I like going there because then I can look at all of the kitchen/craft stuff when I am finished 😉 Yesterday I felt like a toasted sandwich and I hadn’t actually seen them do toasted sandwiches before but maybe that is because I wasn’t looking? I chose a cheese and tomato toastie and it was delish.
And then for pudding we both got a cake and I got the coffee and walnut cake which is one of my favourite ever flavours. I have also had the chocolate brownie there before as well. I think I like my chocolate things 😉 I shall have to try the chocolate cake next time I go. I have always been eyeing it up but I think that saying you eat with your eyes is true. Because once my dad bought a cake slice and I just wouldn’t have chosen to eat it because it looked just a bit boring but I had it and it was actually very tasty. I don’t know I think that I do usually make such a fuss if my food doesn’t look tasty I think that is definitely something I need to work on! But I don’t think it is a specific eating disorder thing. I think it is a me being silly thing! Ramble over… Here was my cake.
I did enjoy it but it was very very dense. It wasn’t light and fluffy and my mum said that my homemade cakes are 1000x better. I think a bake session is in order this weekend 😉 Something different will be happening next week. Something different and scary. On Tuesday I am going out for lunch but I am not going with my mum, I am going with my dad. Me and my dad have a difficult relationship and my illness has made it worse. The other day I was just talking with my dad and suddenly I asked him out for lunch. I am not one to be so forward but I did it and I am actually very proud. Me and my dad don’t really do anything together and if we do then my mum is always there. So I hope that this will be a good time to bond and also it will be out of the house and at my favourite cafe so I think (I hope) that I will feel relaxed because most times I don’t feel relaxed at home and that’s when the conflict starts.
I think I am making important steps and I am quite proud of myself which one day I won’t be ashamed of saying! Eating lunch out is getting a little bit easier each week and I think it just proves that if you try then you will succeed. I am aware that most people might not go out for lunch once a week but I think for me it is helping challenging myself and it helps putting an hour aside each week so me and my mum can have a good chat in a calm and relaxed environment which unfortunately is not home at the moment but it will be. Just take each day as it comes.
I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little. So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself. So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again. Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off. It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself. Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate. And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:
I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.
I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon
So as the title suggests the sun has finally decided to make a guest appearance where I am now. The weather has been having major mood swings recently so it was nice to get outside today and feel that sun on me. I think today has been one of those “rollercoaster” days. One minute you are up feeling great and then the next moment it’s like you have been buried 10 feet under the sand and you honestly have no desire to get out. I saw my CPN today and that plus weigh day is my two most traumatic days of the week. I know I only focus on the bad points. Or maybe they are good points but I turn them into bad points. But I am beyond sick of every time I go in for a weigh in the nurse goes WELL DONE!!!!!!! YOU HAVE GAINED. So what have you been doing differently? What have you been eating? It is just like no. Go away and stop trying to dig further into me than you already have. It’s like I have no privacy left. And then seeing my CPN might even be worse or maybe the dietician when she said I have gained more weight than usual and we need to keep an eye on that. That was the first time I ever saw this dietician and I had not gained more weight than usual. It only looked more because I hadn’t been weighed in three weeks when before that it was weekly. Or how about when the community nurse said to me today oh yes even I thought you had gained quickly. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? You don’t know me. I have been living in my body for 19 years do not act like you know every single thing about the human anatomy you know nothing. I think if it hadn’t been for my mum then I would have had a full blown I don’t know what to call it but just picture tears and me screaming down the phone to my mum that I can’t do any of this anymore. That was what happened last week but luckily this week I managed to divert that huge scene so it was just a little scene although it was in a very public place because I was meeting my mum for lunch but luckily I had her there. She is my golden star I am very lucky to have her. So as I said, I met my mum for lunch today and after this mornings events it was all up from there. We both had a wrap and I had a falafel and yogurt one. It was SO delish I will definitely be eating it again and then for pudding I said a big fuck you to everyone and ate a big slice of brownie. It was slightly rich but divine and I enjoyed it all up so I will not let anyone’s opinions affect me ever because if I was at the low weight a few months ago I can tell you now I didn’t have one laugh or smile on my face ever. Today might have been hard but I took my dogs for a walk and I laughed and laughed. From One of them stalking a bird to the other one just barking at our feet because she wanted a treat. I can have a good time now and I might be unhappy sometimes but unlike a few months ago there is always something good in my day and I am not going to let go of that ever.
Okay, moving on from that post earlier on, today has been quite a good day for challenges. I was in town this morning so I popped into M&S to have a look at their food. I absolutely LOVE it in there, it’s a new discovery really as I know we have always had one in town but I just never knew how nice it was. I was looking around, and I was saying to myself, today is the day that you are going to buy a lunch item as I have been in there a few times and all there sandwiches and wraps look so nice. There was a butternut squash and caremelised hoummous wrap that I have been wanting to try for ages that is in there so I picked it up and then went to look around the rest of the shop to see if there was anything else I wanted.
Long story short (I could seriously go on all day talking about this!) I found myself where all the salads are and oh my gosh, there was just so much choice! And then I almost wished that I haden’s have seen all the salads because I was getting very indecisive by this time. I was standing by the salad bit for what felt like an age. And finally I got myself all worked up like I normaly do and decided to put the wrap back and not get anything. With the excuse that “mum wouldn’t want me to by lunch when we already have loads of food at home.” I know that is absolute lies because my mum would be SO happy if I chose a main meal myself for myself.
In the end, I decided to go with the cheaper option as I really could not decide. I really don’t like choices when food is concerned so this was a little overwhelming. So salad won and I am definitely going to get the wrap another day. I might even buy it so I can take it to college. Okay next challenge, this is still on the theme of the salad. Finally lunch time rolled around and (i’m really impressed with myself for doing this by the way) the salad came with a sachet of salad cream and I just poured it all on without even thinking about it!! I used to have the HUGEST fear of salad dressings but today it was like i didn’t care, I just wanted my lunch and dry lettuce leaves are discusting! By the way, I know I keep saying salad but this was a very substantial salad. It had potatoes, egg and tomatoes. And it had loads of lettuce leaves in as well. And of course salad dressing 😛
Oh yeah, and also at lunchtime I had a packet of malteasers. I have been eating chocolate now but only the small bars for hardly any calories so this was quite a big thing for me. And if you are not familier with malteasers then heres a pic:
They are basically just a malt flavoured filling on the inside and covered with chocolate. They are the best!
Id like to start of how I always start off by saying I am really sorry that I haven’t been posting frequently. I have just been so busy recently which has had an affect on my mood and eating, but I just wanted to talk about college as I started last week. Well basically last Wednesday was the day of enrolement so we had to go in and have a few talks and then at the end you have to sign a bit of paper and get your picture taken for your ID card.
I will start off with the journey. I went in by bus with my dad as I didnt really know what stop to get off and stuff like that and I was obviously really nervous. It took me about an half an hour to get into town and then I needed to get a second bus from town into college. That all worked out fine and then my dad went off to do stuff while I went in. We had the mosr boring talk first, I didn’t get what he was saying because he was just using words that I didnt understand. And then after that we got split off into our groups and we had to anser loads of boring questions that I didn’t know the ansews of like what job do you want to do after the course. And then we had to do this orientation thing where we go in groups. The people there are quite nice. I am still getting used to being there so I am still really anxious. But I think the thing I have been most anxious about is the people. Like what will they think of me?, Will they like me?, What if they don’t like me? And all the rest of it..
A slight problem occured though. Someone told me, I think it was just me, that the day would finish at 12:00. That means I would have got home at 1:30 in time for lunch. Well no, I didn’t get out till 5:00. And when they said lunch is at 1:00 I went into panic overdrive. There where lots of things at the canteen that I could have had but I am not ready to do that yet. I didn’t even want to eat infront of anyone because I have a major fear of eating infront of people. So I didn’t have any lunch, I just had tea and then a big snack when I got home. It wasent like I was hungry or anything but I hadent drank anything all day either because I forgot to have a drink in the morning and I was just so dizzy. After lunch we had to go back to our tutors for a bit and then we enroled. I was literally stood up for an hour as I was at the back and the people doing it where so slow!
On Thursday we had tasters where we did a bit of sciency stuff and then we also had a library talk. I managed to eat lunch on Thursday in front of someone. It was HORRIBLE. I felt like they where watching me the whole time and I just wanted the ground to eat me. And on Friday we went at lunch time but on Monday (yesterday) “lunch” was at 11:30. No joke. Basically we had chemistry and then we where meant to go to the library but the people I was with said they where going to lunch so I went with them but I wasnt hungry. So I didnt have my lunch till I got home. Which was waay past lunch time.
I am going to have to get used to this eating at college thing. I know I have done it once so I can do it again but I seriously don’t want to do it ever again. I don’t know how I am going to get round it either. My timetable doesnt even have set times for break and lunch. And I just feel so overwhelmed about the whole situation basically..
Hopefully I will speak to you soon. It’s my day off today so that’s why I am posting in the morning. I have Tuesdays and Thurdays as my days of so expect a post on each of those days and at the weekend. I might not be able to post more than the because I don’t have the time. I am just going to be soooo extremely busy with college.
I hope everyone is enjoying going back to school/uni/college and have a good day. 🙂