A bit about my week

Hello,

I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little.
So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself.
So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again.
Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off.  It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself.
Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate.
And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:

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I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.

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I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon

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A huuge thank you + thoughts.

Hi 🙂

I just want to say thank you sososososososo much to everyone who commented on my last post. Actually thank you to ALL of my readers. You really knocked some sense into me and I have took every word on boared. Im so happy to be part of such a lovely community and a healthy one. I honestly don’t know where I would be without all of you to cheer me on when I am going through a rough patch.

Those tablets are absolutely awful. I am never going to take any ever again. It seems ridiculous as I really did not take many and yet I became SO dehydrated and felt so sick. I do think I know why this happened but I am not going to say.. The main thing is I can fix it and I am going to try my hardest to. After Wednesday, I have not been typing my meal plans out the night before which is a huge step for me! I am trying semi-intuitive eating and yes it is so hard but if I am being honest, planning what I am going to have the night before for the next day is such a waste of time. It really does not need to be done and whenever I did it I would be sitting at the computer screen sometimes for hours trying to figure out what I should have so everything is the “perfect” amount of calories.

Well I am stopping that now. So far it has gone okay, not the best but okay. I have sort of been planning but in my head without writing anything down. So the night before I would get my calculater out and type everything in that I think I might have just to check the total. This sounds so ridiculous as I sit here typeing all this out and it actually sounds no where near intuitive eating. Im getting there.

I have also been trying to treat myself these past few days by painting my nails and things like that. I am ashamed to say that I am a major nail biter. About two years ago though, I decided I wanted to stop biting my nails as they had got so bad. There was literally no nail left to chew and all my fingers were bleeding. Eurgh it was gross. So I started growing them in January as I got nail varnish for Christmas and it inspired me. And then by April which is my birthday they finally had that white bit on them. And I have done so well not biting them except it’s only these past few weeks that I have been biting them so I am definitely trying to grow them again! I will never, ever let them get as bad as they were though. I have got too many nail varneshes for that now. 😛 Also, not just painting my nails but also the things you need to do to look after yourfelf like brushing my teeth for example. This is going to sound so discusting… Okay well, I don’t look after myself properly. It’s as simple as that. Somedays I don’t brush my teeth, wash my face, drink. All these basic things and all because I don’t feel good enough. But that’s stopping. Well I am trying to stop it anyway. I want to be able to look after myself and my body. My mum is urging me on to do it as well as she knows I have a bit of a problem with looking after myself..

College is stressing me out so much that I actually feel like quitting. Physics and maths are the two subjects that I am struggling on the most. Yesterday a Physics assignment had to be due and I had hardly done any of it so I sent in what I had got. I feel like such a faliure and stress is building on me so much. And I think that is one of the reasons why I am finding it so hard with the eating. Ive always wanted to be perfect at everything and better than anyone else but I have always felt the faliure.

That’s pretty much all I have to say I think. I hope everyone is having a good day. Xxx