Little update

Hello everyone,

I am really sorry about my lack of blog posts recently. I really love writing on my blog so much because I find it really helps to get my feelings out as I definitely find it difficult to talk to people and tell people how I am feeling so I feel like blogging is a good way to do that. Unfortunately things have been a bit rocky with me. I had a whole week last week of listening to my eating disorder and obeying its every word. On this Tuesday I had therapy and I told my therapist yes everything is fine I am eating so well all of my meals and everything. Eventually my community nurse found out and she weighed me which was so embarrassing I am still SO embarrassed because my weight was the same as usual and she said oh that’s fine. And then I realised that my bowels aren’t functioning very well. So I think that’s why the number was really high but I am still so so embarrassed. Like they just expect that I have lost weight and it makes me feel sick inside that I haven’t because that’s what they want.

My community nurse is talking about a “traffic light” system where green is where things are going along just fine, amber is when I am skipping meals frequently and red is when I need to go in hospital again. And she said oh you are on amber definitely on amber but that was before the weigh in and oh gosh im so embarrassed I can’t say that enough. I feel sick just thinking about it. These people must know that weigh ins are never accurate?! I don’t know. I don’t want to tell anyone what I think because that’s the awkward bit and it probably isn’t even relevant. Do you think it is relevant? Like I’m eating much better now than I was. I think it’s so unfair that I just have a few bad days and they chuck me on the scales and now I have to be weighed more often than previously agreed. I can’t believe they haven’t figured out that weighing me makes me worse. I feel like a lab rat. They are poking and prodding needles into me and feeling my hands and asking the temperature of my feet. I feel like everything about me is just being ripped away. They are taking every personal detail and hanging it out to dry for everyone to see. I am really upset I’m sorry but I had to tell someone didn’t I 😦

Have a lovely evening   

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It’s finally Friday!

Hello,

I am so exhausted so I am looking forward to the weekend. Which is so weird me saying that because I am on my Easter holidays so I am not doing that much anyway. But I guess weekends are a change of routine so there is bound to be a change in atmosphere. Also it is my sisters birthday on Sunday so I am looking forward to making her a cake.

Todays breakfast:

Porridge topped with brown sugar.

Porridge made with milk and sprinkled with dark brown sugar. This was absolute heaven! And this was my first time trying Quaker oats (not the instant) and I really loved them. They had a much smoother texture to the ones I normally use and I made the consistency perfect first time around. I always have trouble with making my porridge too thick. I hate thick porridge so I think these oats are definitely a keeper.

After breakfast I had a 9:00 family therapist appointment. I have only ever been with my parents before so I was really anxious when I found out both my sisters were coming along as well. My mum kept saying “well it is family therapy” but it just all sounds a bit too scary for me. I don’t exactly get on that well with one of my sisters and I thought she was going to say some horrible things. She did say some things that I didn’t like but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.

Overall the session went okay and I have agreed for the whole family to come to the next session as well. I feel like that was a positive step which I have taken today and I am quite proud of myself. I have not been feeling as down today as I have recently so I am really happy about that. I know though that the depression will come back in full force tomorrow or tonight. I hate to be so negative but that has always been the way.

When I came home I just relaxed and watched some television. I then fixed myself up the most perfect lunch:

Cottage cheese and avocado wrap. 

This is a Mediterranean herb wrap filled with cottage cheese and half an avocado. I have been loving cottage cheese recently! I used to eat it and I forgot how good it tasted. And then I re-found my love for it because I realised that I probably wasn’t getting enough protein in and this stuff is absolutely amazing for protein!

After lunch I played with my bunny:

Rory 7. 

I forgot to tell you all but Rory is a fairly new bunny. I got him in February just before I went on holiday Smile with tongue out I saw him in the pet shop and it was love at first sight haha. I wanted him sooo badly but my mum said I wasn’t allowed him until we came back from holiday. I knew there was a 90% chance he would be gone by then so me and my sister devised a plan that she would care for him and take him out for exercise etc. while I was away. We told my mum and it worked, she let me have him! He is only about 15-16 weeks old so he is still only a baby but he is absolutely adorable. He comes to his name now and everything. Smile with tongue out

So that’s my day really. I haven’t really done much at all but then again I haven’t really been doing anything this week. I don’t feel so bad about it know though. Well I am trying not to feel guilty.

I hope everyone has a good weekend Smile

My weekend.

Hello 🙂

I feel like I have had a really good and productive weekend. I didn’t do much work though which I completely freaked out about last night when I found out I have about four assignments due in this week. I have started all of them though which is good and I do have two days off this week where I can do some work and I also have over three hours of break on Wednesday where I can go to the library. I have been getting so worried about college work. I just find it takes me so long to do, much longer than I have the time and energy for and I am starting to get really upset as I don’t think I will be able to get the mark I wanted to.

On Saturday, in the morning I just relaxed a bit and then me and my mum went to the shop to get some food supplies. And then when we came home it was already time for lunch as we needed to have a quick lunch because we were going horse riding. Horse riding was okay this week. I didn’t get put on the horse that I usually do but I was on a horse that I have ridden once and I did enjoy riding her last time. For some reason though I just could not get relaxed and I kept trying to make her stand still because I had to wait for about ten minutes actually on her for everyone else to get ready and get on. And she kept trying to edge up the hill and apparently I wasen’t relaxed enough as they said I have to relax my hands and then she would relax as well. And then when I started riding, I actually thought I was relaxed but the lady we where with said I had to focus on being relaxed so I kept getting un-relaxed because I was trying to focus on being relaxed. If that makes any sense. It was a good ride though and I would happily ride her again as she is a lovely horse. I think I was just having an off day with riding. If that can happen? Well I am a bit worried now because I thought I rode really rubbish on Saturday and I want to ride good and be confident again.

And then when we came home I had a shower and a rest and then it was time for tea. My mum and dad then went out together for the evening as it was one of their freinds birthdays which meant I was left at home alone as both my sisters were working late. I was a bit anxious before at being left at home alone because I always think really bad thoughts and then I fall into that depressed state very easily. On Saturday though I didn’t have any bad thoughts at all. I knew that I had Merlin to watch at 8:00 and I didn’t know what I was going to do in the in- between time but somehow I was on the computer and then by the time I knew it, it was time for Merlin and I haden’t had a single bad thought!

And then yesterday, in the morning I cleaned my hamster out and then I did a little bit of work, I then went swimming again. My second time going swimming and it was really good. I went on my own this time so my dad just dropped me off and then when I got in there, there were only three other people in the pool. I actually felt quite comfortable. I think I have got the hang of this swimming lark now! And let me tell you, I can definitely feel my muscles aching today from the swim. Now the next thing I need to do is make sure I am eating a proper amount of food when I exercise. I have also found these past few days that I am getting hungry at college even after I have eaten everything that I have packed. So maybe that is a sign that I am not eating enough during the day. I do know that I tend to save all my food until the evening so maybe that is something that I need to work on.

After swimming I had lunch. I had cheddar cheese in my bagel which I am pretty pleased about because I absolutely love cheddar cheese but I haven’t had it in a while as it is not a safe food of mine. Laughing cow is but it is just not as tasty as good old cheddar. And then for the rest of the afternoon I just rested as I was quite tired. 😛 And also, I had dinner with my family in the evening. That is my mum, my dad, my two sisters and one of my sisters boyfriends. So that is quite a lot f people when you usually only eat on your own so it was quite a challenge for me but now I can say I did it. I didn’t quite have what they all had as they had a roast dinner. None of my vegetables were roasted and my potato wasen’t either but I hope that doesn’t matter.. Anything roasted/fried is my biggest fear food left I think. And also my mum is trying to get me to eat with the family for Sunday dinner as we will be having about 13 people over for Christmas lunch. What a scary thought!

I have a day off tomorrow which I am pleased about. It doesn’t mean I can have a rest though! I have a ton of work to do. And as my last thing that I am going to say, me and my hamster share a food love- peanut butter. He loves it! Haha 😛 I fed it to him yesterday because the other day I googled it to see if it was okay for hamsters to eat and I found out it is but only if you give them tiny quantities because as it is a sticky food it can clog their throat up. Anyway, I spread a teeny bit on his wooden tube and he ate it in the space of about two minutes. He loves it!! And now I am really excited because I love it too.

Wow, I am so sorry this is such a long post! So much to say 😛 I hope everyone has had a good weekend and a good day today. 🙂

College.

HI! do you remember me?

Id like to start of how I always start off by saying I am really sorry that I haven’t been posting frequently. I have just been so busy recently which has had an affect on my mood and eating, but I just wanted to talk about college as I started last week. Well basically last Wednesday was the day of enrolement so we had to go in and have a few talks and then at the end you have to sign a bit of paper and get your picture taken for your ID card.

I will start off with the journey. I went in by bus with my dad as I didnt really know what stop to get off and stuff like that and I was obviously really nervous. It took me about an half an hour to get into town and then I needed to get a second bus from town into college. That all worked out fine and then my dad went off to do stuff while I went in. We had the mosr boring talk first, I didn’t get what he was saying because he was just using words that I didnt understand. And then after that we got split off into our groups and we had to anser loads of boring questions that I didn’t know the ansews of like what job do you want to do after the course. And then we had to do this orientation thing where we go in groups. The people there are quite nice. I am still getting used to being there so I am still really anxious. But I think the thing I have been most anxious about is the people. Like what will they think of me?, Will they like me?, What if they don’t like me? And all the rest of it..

A slight problem occured though. Someone told me, I think it was just me, that the day would finish at 12:00. That means I would have got home at 1:30 in time for lunch. Well no, I didn’t get out till 5:00. And when they said lunch is at 1:00 I went into panic overdrive. There where lots of things at the canteen that I could have had but I am not ready to do that yet. I didn’t even want to eat infront of anyone because I have a major fear of eating infront of people. So I didn’t have any lunch, I just had tea and then a big snack when I got home. It wasent like I was hungry or anything but I hadent drank anything all day either because I forgot to have a drink in the morning and I was just so dizzy. After lunch we had to go back to our tutors for a bit and then we enroled. I was literally stood up for an hour as I was at the back and the people doing it where so slow!

On Thursday we had tasters where we did a bit of sciency stuff and then we also had a library talk. I managed to eat lunch on Thursday in front of someone. It was HORRIBLE. I felt like they where watching me the whole time and I just wanted the ground to eat me. And on Friday we went at lunch time but on Monday (yesterday) “lunch” was at 11:30. No joke. Basically we had chemistry and then we where meant to go to the library but the people I was with said they where going to lunch so I went with them but I wasnt hungry. So I didnt have my lunch till I got home. Which was waay past lunch time.

I am going to have to get used to this eating at college thing. I know I have done it once so I can do it again but I seriously don’t want to do it ever again. I don’t know how I am going to get round it either. My timetable doesnt even have set times for break and lunch. And I just feel so overwhelmed about the whole situation basically..

Hopefully I will speak to you soon. It’s my day off today so that’s why I am posting in the morning. I have Tuesdays and Thurdays as my days of so expect a post on each of those days and at the weekend. I might not be able to post more than the because I don’t have the time. I am just going to be soooo extremely busy with college.

I hope everyone is enjoying going back to school/uni/college and have a good day. 🙂

I got an IPod shuffle! Wahooo :D

Hello 🙂

Sorry for the no post for ages again. Have I ever said recovery is so damn hard? Well what can you do?

Anyway, I bring exciting news. Well exciting for me 😀 I got an IPod shuffle today!! it’s the newest one and it’s soo tiny. I bought it because I wanted it to go to the gym as I already have an IPod touch but that is way to bulky to take to the gym and use it. Talking about the gym, I have been going for a few weeks now and I LOVE it! It is really hard because I forgot how much mental thoughts I had of that place until I stepped back in but I am just trying to concentrate on what I am doing and block everything/one out with my music. It looks much nicer there now than when I used to go as well. It’s got loads of flat screen posh looking tvs 😉

The other thing I would say is bad about it is I kind of got upset the first few times I went because I always go on the treadmill and there are about eight of them and only a few of them where used up but this woman decides to go right next to me. I got so anxious and nearly stopped it and walked off but I carried on because that would just be asking for people to know about what’s going on.

Anyway, enough moaning. Gosh I am sorry I do moan so much don’t I. You all must get so bored of this blog! Hmm… Oh yeah, If anyone has any good songs that they like listening to while they work out them please share with me because I still have an Itunes voucher from my birthday that I haven’t spent yet. I know, crazy. My birthday was in April!

If anyone doesen’t know what the newest version of IPod shuffle looks like then here it is:

Let me tell you, this thing is tiny! I haven’t got any music on it yet because I transfered my music from my dads Itunes on his laptop to the PC Itunes and it worked but it just woulden’t load onto my Ipod and I got so frustrated and wanted to pull my hair out. I told my mum to X out of windows because it was stressing me out big time lol. I will try and figure it out tomorrow 🙂

In other news, I don’t think I am going to get ANY sleep tonight as it is results day tomorrow. EEK! I am SO nervous. I have been expecting the worst ever since I came out of the exam room so hopefully I won’t be too suprised when I open that envolope. And I also have my dietician appointment tomorrow which I will probably write about on here. I am really sorry I have like left blog world for a bit and I havent read any of your posts because to be honest, I have been a bit down and depressed. But I am back now and maybe I will get into my post at least once a day spirit. Maybe 🙂

Well that’s me done. I will post tomorrow probably. I am going to be very stressed tomorrow morning because of the exam results and because of the dietician. I hope I don’t get the same one as I did last time. It didn’t rea;;y go that well last time to be truthful. She wasen’t that nice and I wasen’t very kind back as I just rejected all of her suggestions 😛 I will have to go with a clear and open mind tomorrow.

Bye! Post tomorrow. (Hopefully!)