My new job.

Hello,

Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone that follows me. I noticed yesterday when I logged on that I have reached 100 followers which is pretty incredible actually considering I feel like I just go on and on and don’t make any sense at all. Smile with tongue out I never ever thought that anyone would actually be interested in the highs and lows of my life. And I just want to say, if you are new to reading my posts then I am not always in a down mood. It just varies and I would like to talk about my sad days as well as my happy days so I hope that’s ok.

Well today hasn’t been SO bad. I woke up this morning, had breakfast as usual and then that’s when I started to feel sick with worry. Then I took a shower and most of the morning I was just trying to keep busy really. I had the charity shop in the afternoon and I have only been there four times so I was mostly worried about that because I knew today would be different than what I am used to so far. My manager is away for the next two weeks so I said I would do the afternoon shifts on Monday and Thursday while she is away. Firstly that worried me because I have only done morning shifts before so I am used to that and I didn’t know what to expect in the afternoon. Like would it be busy, do I still get a break like I do in the mornings, it’s half an hour shorter than in the mornings so will I get everything done on time?

And then my next worry of course was that my manager is away so she asked her son to do her job and I was so anxious because I didn’t know what he was going to be like and I was scared of asking so many questions as I haven’t been there much before. And also, I was working with different people than usual so that’s three new people today and I find it hard to interact with people so that was a pretty scary thing for me. And then my last worry was that I didn’t know what I would be doing. Like if I was on the till then I thought I would definitely mess that all up because I have only been on the till once before and that was when I had been there a few times so I was confident to ask my manager when I did make a mistake.

All these worries… Looking at it now there is hell of a lot. But maybe it’s a good thing to write all this down. I arrived to work on time and when I walked in, there were two people there and I know the obvious thing to do is to tell them my name but now sound came out and I probably looked stupid. In the end it was okay I guess because they were expecting me. The first challenge: The manager. There were two huge boxes of saucepans that we had to sort out and I have never really priced that sort of thing before so I asked him if he knew what I should price them as and he said don’t do it yet because they are gift aided. So I was just standing there for five minutes left on my own while the others were out at the front. And then he said oh just price them normally and don’t bother about gift aid. I was too scared to ask him about what price so I just started sticking the labels on and then I asked someone else and she said to me you just have to guess. She didn’t really give me any clue so I assumed she had no idea just like me.

And then about half an hour after I had arrived someone else came in and from there it got better. She helped me with the pricing and we were chatting to each other a lot and she was just really lovely. She was telling me about all the dogs she has had haha because I said how much I love animals. And now on Thursday is when I have my next shift. And guess what? I am just as anxious about exactly the same reasons because it’s going to be two more different people! I am so not used to meeting so many new people.

The reason why I wanted to do this though was to build my confidence up because I don’t really have any at all at the moment. So far, I am still worried every time I go but I am hoping that just might die down soon. I will have to keep going on a regular basis and then I shall see. And this is the first week that I will be going in twice so that’s also a big challenge for me. An achievable one I hope.

I hope everyone has had a good day today Smile

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Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

Hey everyone.

Ok, I would just like to say I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in ages and I really hope it’s ok that I took a little break. I didn’t mean to just dissappear off the face of the earth, that’s just kind of the way it turned out so I am really sorry about that. I don’t really know what to say to be honest. I guess I will start with the non- complicated things.

I have been off college for about 5 weeks now and I have decided that I don’t want to go back there. I really did not enjoy the course there at all and the people there were just plain rude. Someone wrote on facebook about me that it is like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to me and they are glad I won’t be there next year. Haha, that gave me such a boost of confidence. So, I have signed up for another course at a different college and this is an animal care course.

This is so complicated though my head hurts just thinking about it. The thing is, I absolutely love animals and I have always, always wanted to work with them. And now at this very moment in time I am consumed by my mental illness. Ever since I signed up for the animal course one minute I would want to go and then the next minute I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to live, breathe, feed myself, clothe myself or even have a shower. That’s kind of where I am at at the moment. I honestly feel like I have hit the absolute bottom.

Gosh, I have so much to say I feel like I am not making any sense :/ So, the other day, me and my dad had a massive argument about college how I don’t want to go and I would rather die than go. And I think that might be a lot of anxiety. Recently I have been so scared to even go out the house. I am scared that people will be staring at me and also that I will make a fool of myself. And I am terrified of starting a new college because I know I won’t make any friends at all. If you read through my posts this time last year, I was all positive about going to college but I was still very anxious. That positiveity did nothing for me. I couldn’t make friends because those people were just not like me and it is going to be exactly the same at this new college.

Moving on, I have had a lot of difficulties since when I last posted. In February, I quit seeing my therapist because I thought she wasen’t helping me anymore and I didn’t want her help anyway. I don’t really know what I was feeling back then to be honest. I don’t know if I wanted to recover or not. Anyway, I carried on seeing my phsycyatrist and I have also been having family therapy which has been useful but also quite hard. And then about two months ago my phsychyatrist left and now I have a new one. And I have seen this new one for about three sessions. He seems alright I guess but I don’t know. He asked me a very interesting question last week. He asked: do you want to recover? It was really odd because I tried to say yes but the word just woulden’t come out so I said I don’t know. Im still trying to work it out now but I am pretty sure I don’t want to recover. Not because I like being like this. I don’t actually know why. It’s absurd right?! Who actually wants to stay in this hell? Clearly me. Maybe that’s because I think I deserve it.

Since I haven’t seen my therapist since February, my phsychyatrist asked if we could set up some councelling sessions for me. Something I really do NOT want to do but my mum wants me to do it because I know she really, really wants me to get better. So, im on the list for councelling, im not sure when that will start but I am extremely nervous. One good thing has happened while all this has been going on though. I meantioned earlier that it’s been a struggle to get me out the house because I am so anxious. Socially anxious mostly but other things as well like being in small places, being too hot outside to wear long sleeves ect. Anyway, about a month ago, I signed up to do volunteer work at a charity. And I never thought that they would actually take me on but she did! And I have been there three times now every Wednesday morning and so far I have enjoyed it.

I will talk more about it tomorrow I think 🙂 (gosh so much to catch up on!!) I think I am going to go and get some sleep now, basically I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and I hope everyone has been well. Ooh, I also got nominated for an award while I was away which was exciting! I will do a post about that but I don’t know how long it will be. I still have so much to say.

I hope everyone is well

Lots of love

Swimming.

Hi

You might remember a few months ago that I was finally told by my doctor that I am allowed to do exercise. Well, I did go to the gym for a bit but really, I didn’t really like it. I didn’t feel comfortable and it just wasen’t a place that I enjoyed being. So I stopped going there after about two months. I thought there wasen’t really any point in going if I didn’t enjoy it because exercise is supposed to be fun and not something that you should force yourself to do. Well that’s what I think anyway.

So, last week I was thinking what exercise there is for me to do. Something that I used to like doing and something that I could possibly start up again. I came up with swimming. I used to absolutely love swimming. I would have swimming lessons when I was younger and then when I stopped those my dad took me swimming once a week. I haven’t been in years though as I am extremely self concious about my body. Well, I asked my mum what she thought and she said I could try. I looked up the swimming timetable and they have adult sessions where there are no children in and it is just swimming. And I was relieved to find out, I am an adult.

So yesterday, my dad took me to the pool in the evening. I was very, very nervous to be honest. I didn’t have a clue how many people were going to be there and I thought I would be stared at. (that sounds really silly because why would people stare at me when they have come to swim?!) It turns out, no- one was in the pool except this one person who came in about ten minutes before we got out. So it was just me and my dad in the pool for the majoraty of the time. I was a bit anxious with my dad coming with me but I didn’t really want to go on my own either….

It turns out it was okay with my dad being there. I would have prefered it if I was without him though tbh. The reason being is and before I say this I don’t want anyone to think bad things about me. I know what I think in my head is a bit messed up sometimes but I can’t help thinking it. The reason is that me and my dad used to exercise a lot together, like we would go to the gym. And I would always feel like he was competing with me. I could always sworn that I had saw him look at my screen to see how far I had gone and he always seemed to be looking over at me and pedalling harder. Or he would go onto the machine that is right next to me and start running as fast as he could when I would just be walking.

It made me feel very lazy to be honest and yesterday at the pool I did feel a bit like that. Especially when we were driving back in the car and he said I feel very good about that, I don’t know whether I will go to the gym tomorrow though. Actually, I suppose I should. That made me feel lazy. Because I haven’t done any exercise in ages and I already felt a bit guilty.

Overall, I did enjoy going swimming and I am going to go again but I think I will go on my own next time. I just need to get myself to feel more comfortable.