A bit about my week

Hello,

I hope you are all well and I hope you have had a lovely week. It’s the weekend now which means we can all slow down a bit and I give permission for you to have a break and relax this weekend. I guess a lot of things have happened since last week when I last wrote a blog post so I shall start with last weekend when it was my nanas 80th birthday party and on Saturday morning I travelled up there with my parents because it takes 5-6 hours to get there and my sisters went the day before so they could help with the party preparations etc. On Sunday evening it was my nanas actual party but on Saturday evening it was still a huge challenge for me. We had dinner with the German side of my family because we just haven’t seen them in so many years and it was nice to catch up. I find the socialising part so difficult in itself because it has been so many years since I have seen my German cousins so that is one challenge. And then the next challenge was actually eating in front of them and at first I got so anxious and upset because I would say no when I was offered a drink but they kept going on and on and wouldn’t take no for an answer so that upset me a little.
So the second challenge was to actually eat in front of everyone and I think a lot of people recovering from eating disorders find this bit hard and I know I do because I think people are going to be staring at me and thinking nasty things about me. The more likely thing is that they would probably be too engrossed in their own food to even notice. And then the last challenge was eating a Chinese takeaway (!!!!!!!) Oh my I haven’t had a takeaway in over six years. It was scary and uncomfortable but I did it and I came out the other side and I am not ashamed to admit I am actually a bit proud of myself.
So then the next day on Sunday we spent most of the day preparing the food for the party. The actual party was with all of the family and some of my nanas friends as well. I think the most difficult part was the socialising. I just kind of felt out of place and I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I didn’t really feel like I belonged at all. And then that’s sort of how my week turned from bad to worse because I started listening to all of the thoughts again. I listened to my eating disorder and I obeyed but starting from Wednesday I have been trying my absolute hardest to follow my meal plan again.
Yesterday was also a huge challenge for me because I had to go out to lunch with my community nurse. It was scary for me and it’s hard for me because she barely knows anything about eating disorders. She had a training course a few weeks ago and she likes to tell me things that aren’t even relevant. Like I said once that I am worried about putting weight on quickly and she said when you are at such a low weight, the dieticians increase your meal plan gradually so you don’t get refeeding syndrome. And it’s like that has got nothing to do with what I said she just likes showing off.  It frustrates me because she goes on about eating disorders being secretive and then I ask her not not be weighed and she is fine with it. I know I should be more angry at myself for doing what my eating disorder wants be I WANT them to stop me when I can’t stop myself.
Anyway, by the time I got there I was so anxious and I wasn’t hungry one bit. I said to her I don’t want anything because I am not hungry and then she said oh okay then well do you mind if I get something then? I don’t know, I feel like I ask too much just for these people to support me. I want them to help me but they don’t they just sit there while I have a battle against myself and it’s just unpleasant. In the end I did order a sandwich and it was actually really tasty and that is all that matters I have decided. Not that my nurse just had a salad and I could have gotten away with not having anything. I stood up to the bully in my head and I ate.
And then today has been quite a busy day and I have really enjoyed it actually. I went to my volunteering this morning which I go to every Friday morning. I help out in a charity shop and I really like it because it helps me a lot with my social skills and that is the area that I need to improve on a lot. And then after the charity shop I came home and had lunch and then I painted my nails this lovely coral sort of colour:

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I then relaxed a little this afternoon and ate my amazing afternoon snack of course which I wanted to talk to you about.

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I just love eat natural bars SO much and if you live in the UK, like fruit and nuts bars, like chocolate then you will love these as well. I always have my cupboard stocked with them because they are my favourite go to snack. I like how they are really balanced with a little bit of fruit, protein, important fats and then the chocolate which is needed to balance it out. I think this one here along with the cashew and blueberry yogurt coated ones are my favourite. So yes, if you haven’t tried these already then I would highly recommend you trying them! I hope you all have a lovely evening and I shall be bak with another post very soon

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College day.

Hello

Im not actually sure what  am going to say today but I thought I owed you all a post as it had been a few days. 😀 So I will just see where this takes me haha. Well today I have been at college all day. Monday is my busyist day and I absolutely hate it. I have such a short attention span and get tired so easily that by the time is gets to about twelve I am shattered!

Anyway, firstly I had physics where we didn’t really do anything in the classroom because we are rebels 😛 We had to go in groups and I didn’t know what an earth we were supposed to be doing so we went into the common room and just tried to figure it out there. I am actually getting pretty annoyed with physics because it is the only subject where I really do not have a clue of what is going on. He gives us all these worksheets and then we hand them in and he asks us to type them up on the computer when we haven’t even got them anymore. So that is just really confusing and I haven’t submitted any assignments for physics :/ I definitely know I am going to fail that! We then had chemistry which was another let down. Our teacher asked us to research something the week before but no-one had done it so they all went into the library to do the research. I had done it however so I didn’t know what I should do. I asked our teacher if we were actually going to do anything that lesson as I had just been sitting in the lab waiting for everyone to come back and he said yes we will but it depends how long they are going to be. Well eventually the people I were with said to our teacher that they were going to go to the library so I went to the library while they went to the common room and did no work.. It sort of frustrates me that they don’t do any work and they seem to get it done on time while I work my hardest and I do no better than them. I also get worried that while I am working and they are watching tv or something that they are going to be talking about me saying bad things because I do all the work :/ I think they might have said it because they say things like that all the time…

Then after I had done some work in the library it was lunch time and then after lunch we had our next lesson where we were on the computers in the library again. We had working in science.. I know no-one will know what this is but it is quite boring so I wont try and explain. Except it is interesting sometimes. And then after that we had biomedical science. This is where I start to die of tiredness because it’s 2:15 by now and I had been in college by 9:00! It wasen’t too bad though, we didn’t do any experiments which was good because I don’t think I would have been able to move 😛 And we finished about 45 minutes early which is good so I went to the common room for a bit and then I felt like I could do a bit of work so I finished something which I needed to do and I submitted it which I am pleased about so I got that out of the way and then I got the 4:30 bus into town and then the other one back to home.

I could have a whole rant about the second bus but I will decide not to. I don’t want to bring back bad memories haha. And then when I came home I have just been relaxing. No more work for me tonight because I am tired and I am hoping to do some more tomorrow. 🙂 I have been watching masterchef on catch up for the past few days and I am loving it! I didn’t even know masterchef was even on till my mum said and I have found out I have missed loads so that’s what I have been doing in my spare time haha 😛

Anyway, I think I will go now.. I feel awfully sick because I am anxious about my therapist appointment tomorrow! Hopefuly it will be fine though.. fingers crossed. I hope everyone has had a good day today xxx