My new job.

Hello,

Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone that follows me. I noticed yesterday when I logged on that I have reached 100 followers which is pretty incredible actually considering I feel like I just go on and on and don’t make any sense at all. Smile with tongue out I never ever thought that anyone would actually be interested in the highs and lows of my life. And I just want to say, if you are new to reading my posts then I am not always in a down mood. It just varies and I would like to talk about my sad days as well as my happy days so I hope that’s ok.

Well today hasn’t been SO bad. I woke up this morning, had breakfast as usual and then that’s when I started to feel sick with worry. Then I took a shower and most of the morning I was just trying to keep busy really. I had the charity shop in the afternoon and I have only been there four times so I was mostly worried about that because I knew today would be different than what I am used to so far. My manager is away for the next two weeks so I said I would do the afternoon shifts on Monday and Thursday while she is away. Firstly that worried me because I have only done morning shifts before so I am used to that and I didn’t know what to expect in the afternoon. Like would it be busy, do I still get a break like I do in the mornings, it’s half an hour shorter than in the mornings so will I get everything done on time?

And then my next worry of course was that my manager is away so she asked her son to do her job and I was so anxious because I didn’t know what he was going to be like and I was scared of asking so many questions as I haven’t been there much before. And also, I was working with different people than usual so that’s three new people today and I find it hard to interact with people so that was a pretty scary thing for me. And then my last worry was that I didn’t know what I would be doing. Like if I was on the till then I thought I would definitely mess that all up because I have only been on the till once before and that was when I had been there a few times so I was confident to ask my manager when I did make a mistake.

All these worries… Looking at it now there is hell of a lot. But maybe it’s a good thing to write all this down. I arrived to work on time and when I walked in, there were two people there and I know the obvious thing to do is to tell them my name but now sound came out and I probably looked stupid. In the end it was okay I guess because they were expecting me. The first challenge: The manager. There were two huge boxes of saucepans that we had to sort out and I have never really priced that sort of thing before so I asked him if he knew what I should price them as and he said don’t do it yet because they are gift aided. So I was just standing there for five minutes left on my own while the others were out at the front. And then he said oh just price them normally and don’t bother about gift aid. I was too scared to ask him about what price so I just started sticking the labels on and then I asked someone else and she said to me you just have to guess. She didn’t really give me any clue so I assumed she had no idea just like me.

And then about half an hour after I had arrived someone else came in and from there it got better. She helped me with the pricing and we were chatting to each other a lot and she was just really lovely. She was telling me about all the dogs she has had haha because I said how much I love animals. And now on Thursday is when I have my next shift. And guess what? I am just as anxious about exactly the same reasons because it’s going to be two more different people! I am so not used to meeting so many new people.

The reason why I wanted to do this though was to build my confidence up because I don’t really have any at all at the moment. So far, I am still worried every time I go but I am hoping that just might die down soon. I will have to keep going on a regular basis and then I shall see. And this is the first week that I will be going in twice so that’s also a big challenge for me. An achievable one I hope.

I hope everyone has had a good day today Smile

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Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

Hey everyone.

Ok, I would just like to say I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in ages and I really hope it’s ok that I took a little break. I didn’t mean to just dissappear off the face of the earth, that’s just kind of the way it turned out so I am really sorry about that. I don’t really know what to say to be honest. I guess I will start with the non- complicated things.

I have been off college for about 5 weeks now and I have decided that I don’t want to go back there. I really did not enjoy the course there at all and the people there were just plain rude. Someone wrote on facebook about me that it is like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to me and they are glad I won’t be there next year. Haha, that gave me such a boost of confidence. So, I have signed up for another course at a different college and this is an animal care course.

This is so complicated though my head hurts just thinking about it. The thing is, I absolutely love animals and I have always, always wanted to work with them. And now at this very moment in time I am consumed by my mental illness. Ever since I signed up for the animal course one minute I would want to go and then the next minute I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to live, breathe, feed myself, clothe myself or even have a shower. That’s kind of where I am at at the moment. I honestly feel like I have hit the absolute bottom.

Gosh, I have so much to say I feel like I am not making any sense :/ So, the other day, me and my dad had a massive argument about college how I don’t want to go and I would rather die than go. And I think that might be a lot of anxiety. Recently I have been so scared to even go out the house. I am scared that people will be staring at me and also that I will make a fool of myself. And I am terrified of starting a new college because I know I won’t make any friends at all. If you read through my posts this time last year, I was all positive about going to college but I was still very anxious. That positiveity did nothing for me. I couldn’t make friends because those people were just not like me and it is going to be exactly the same at this new college.

Moving on, I have had a lot of difficulties since when I last posted. In February, I quit seeing my therapist because I thought she wasen’t helping me anymore and I didn’t want her help anyway. I don’t really know what I was feeling back then to be honest. I don’t know if I wanted to recover or not. Anyway, I carried on seeing my phsycyatrist and I have also been having family therapy which has been useful but also quite hard. And then about two months ago my phsychyatrist left and now I have a new one. And I have seen this new one for about three sessions. He seems alright I guess but I don’t know. He asked me a very interesting question last week. He asked: do you want to recover? It was really odd because I tried to say yes but the word just woulden’t come out so I said I don’t know. Im still trying to work it out now but I am pretty sure I don’t want to recover. Not because I like being like this. I don’t actually know why. It’s absurd right?! Who actually wants to stay in this hell? Clearly me. Maybe that’s because I think I deserve it.

Since I haven’t seen my therapist since February, my phsychyatrist asked if we could set up some councelling sessions for me. Something I really do NOT want to do but my mum wants me to do it because I know she really, really wants me to get better. So, im on the list for councelling, im not sure when that will start but I am extremely nervous. One good thing has happened while all this has been going on though. I meantioned earlier that it’s been a struggle to get me out the house because I am so anxious. Socially anxious mostly but other things as well like being in small places, being too hot outside to wear long sleeves ect. Anyway, about a month ago, I signed up to do volunteer work at a charity. And I never thought that they would actually take me on but she did! And I have been there three times now every Wednesday morning and so far I have enjoyed it.

I will talk more about it tomorrow I think 🙂 (gosh so much to catch up on!!) I think I am going to go and get some sleep now, basically I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and I hope everyone has been well. Ooh, I also got nominated for an award while I was away which was exciting! I will do a post about that but I don’t know how long it will be. I still have so much to say.

I hope everyone is well

Lots of love

Struggles.

Hi

Sorry I haven’t posten properly in a few days. I have been quite busy and also yesterday was one of my worst days really.. I am proud of myself that in the morning I managed to challenge my ed with having thick toast for breakfast instead of medium sliced. This however, did result in my ed being very angry at me and I had a huge panic attack about it after I had eaten. This resolved in my mum getting very cross at me. And she was also cross that I was so worried about what was going into my body when I should have been looking after my poorly guinea pig..

She started shouting at me when I said I wanted to buy the medium sliced bread and I just got completely flustered, upset, anxious, depressed. All those things. We went food shopping a bit later and I came along.. The truth is I was so emotionaly drained that I didn’t even want to go because I knew my ed would be putting more pressure on me. But I went anyway because I didn’t think my mum would pick up the bread if I didn’t go as she didn’t see the point when I could have the thick.

When that was all done and dusted I spent the whole afternoon in a massive whole of depression. Just shut myself in my bedroom doing nothing and wouldn’t come out. It really was quite horrible. I hate to admit but I really am struggling a lot with the food side of things at the moment. My head is screaming at me saying “too many calories” “too unhealthy” “you are too fat, unworthy” ect. It’s rather upsetting and I just want to curl up in a heap and never wake again.

The only good thing is that I love my horse riding. It’s been the only thing that’s keeping me going this past week and also I have gotten in to a very good television programme. Today, I had my first day back at college. Stressfull is an understatement. When you have a voice constantly putting you down all of the time, that and work do not mix. I got very anxious and almost got myself into a state at the bus stop but I managed to just calm down a little. It was very weired actually because my freinds were saying I am so smiley, much more than usual. I actually thought that was utterly weird as I have been feelig completely shit recently. Maybe my social anxiety is lifting..