I had an appointment with my therapist and phsycologist yesterday. Basically we were just talking about everything and it has come to everyones attention that now the eating side of things has become managable, my depression and anxiety is coming through a lot more. Me and my mum were both thinking that I have most likely been depressed for years and years. I just didn’t feel it like I do now. I never had those thoughts of wanting to harm myself or anything so that’s why I thought I was fine.
We just didn’t know that it would come back and bite me as hard as it possibly could when I have got the food thing under control. I didn’t think that this was going to happen. I actually thought that when my food issue was sorted out well not completely sorted out but manageable like how it is now, I thought I would be well on my way to recovery. It turns out that that is not the case and I have actually got to fight both my anxiety and depression.
The doctors thought I would feel better once I started taking anti depressents and once I started eating again. Well they got that wrong didn’t they. Things are manageble but I am no where near okay. To be honest I have almost lost all hope that I will ever get better again. The deal was yesterday that I can stay on the anti depressents I have got and have a higher doseage or I can change anti depressents completely. I decided to change. I am not happy with the ones I am on at all. Yes I do feel like they might have helped, but when you think before I started taking them I never used to get a single suicidel thought and now I get them all the time. Multiple times a day and it’s scary.
There is nothing scarier than having thoughts that you want to end your life and even planning it out. It doesn’t feel like me. It feels like something inside me is controlling me. And that’s depression. It’s taking over and I am absolutely terrified, never have I been more scared in my entire life. So I am coming off fluoxetine now and then I will try a new one in a few weeks time. I don’t know what the name of this new one is but he said he would send us information about it so I could see if that is the one I want to take or if not he will pick another one out for me.
I did get angry and upset in yesterdays appoinment as well. I was in such an uncomfortable position so I said that they never gave me a chance whether to start on anti depressents or not and basically it was all their fault that I have ended up like this. I just want to be better and I never thought there would be another huge obstacle to overcome.