Coming back

Hello,

I haven’t used this blog for such a long long time and I don’t know if anyone will ever read my posts but I have decided to come back. This blog really helped me when I was struggling with my thoughts and with food. Luckily I am not struggling as much as I once was with food but unfortunately my depression has taken over and I would like a place to document my highs and lows.

I’m not really sure what to say at the moment because I don’t know if anyone will read this but this evening I will post how my day has gone etc and just get some of my thoughts out as I struggle extremely with bottling everything inside.

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Long rambly update. Please don’t read if you are triggered by depression thoughts.

Hey everyone.

Ok, I would just like to say I am SO sorry I haven’t posted in ages and I really hope it’s ok that I took a little break. I didn’t mean to just dissappear off the face of the earth, that’s just kind of the way it turned out so I am really sorry about that. I don’t really know what to say to be honest. I guess I will start with the non- complicated things.

I have been off college for about 5 weeks now and I have decided that I don’t want to go back there. I really did not enjoy the course there at all and the people there were just plain rude. Someone wrote on facebook about me that it is like they are talking to a brick wall when they talk to me and they are glad I won’t be there next year. Haha, that gave me such a boost of confidence. So, I have signed up for another course at a different college and this is an animal care course.

This is so complicated though my head hurts just thinking about it. The thing is, I absolutely love animals and I have always, always wanted to work with them. And now at this very moment in time I am consumed by my mental illness. Ever since I signed up for the animal course one minute I would want to go and then the next minute I just don’t want to do anything. Don’t want to live, breathe, feed myself, clothe myself or even have a shower. That’s kind of where I am at at the moment. I honestly feel like I have hit the absolute bottom.

Gosh, I have so much to say I feel like I am not making any sense :/ So, the other day, me and my dad had a massive argument about college how I don’t want to go and I would rather die than go. And I think that might be a lot of anxiety. Recently I have been so scared to even go out the house. I am scared that people will be staring at me and also that I will make a fool of myself. And I am terrified of starting a new college because I know I won’t make any friends at all. If you read through my posts this time last year, I was all positive about going to college but I was still very anxious. That positiveity did nothing for me. I couldn’t make friends because those people were just not like me and it is going to be exactly the same at this new college.

Moving on, I have had a lot of difficulties since when I last posted. In February, I quit seeing my therapist because I thought she wasen’t helping me anymore and I didn’t want her help anyway. I don’t really know what I was feeling back then to be honest. I don’t know if I wanted to recover or not. Anyway, I carried on seeing my phsycyatrist and I have also been having family therapy which has been useful but also quite hard. And then about two months ago my phsychyatrist left and now I have a new one. And I have seen this new one for about three sessions. He seems alright I guess but I don’t know. He asked me a very interesting question last week. He asked: do you want to recover? It was really odd because I tried to say yes but the word just woulden’t come out so I said I don’t know. Im still trying to work it out now but I am pretty sure I don’t want to recover. Not because I like being like this. I don’t actually know why. It’s absurd right?! Who actually wants to stay in this hell? Clearly me. Maybe that’s because I think I deserve it.

Since I haven’t seen my therapist since February, my phsychyatrist asked if we could set up some councelling sessions for me. Something I really do NOT want to do but my mum wants me to do it because I know she really, really wants me to get better. So, im on the list for councelling, im not sure when that will start but I am extremely nervous. One good thing has happened while all this has been going on though. I meantioned earlier that it’s been a struggle to get me out the house because I am so anxious. Socially anxious mostly but other things as well like being in small places, being too hot outside to wear long sleeves ect. Anyway, about a month ago, I signed up to do volunteer work at a charity. And I never thought that they would actually take me on but she did! And I have been there three times now every Wednesday morning and so far I have enjoyed it.

I will talk more about it tomorrow I think πŸ™‚ (gosh so much to catch up on!!) I think I am going to go and get some sleep now, basically I just wanted to let you all know what has been happening and I hope everyone has been well. Ooh, I also got nominated for an award while I was away which was exciting! I will do a post about that but I don’t know how long it will be. I still have so much to say.

I hope everyone is well

Lots of love

Update.

Hello πŸ™‚

It’s been a few months since I have posted so I thought I would give a small update as to how things are going with me at the moment. First of all, I hope everyone is well and of course, happy.

First I guess I will talk a little bit about my trip to Rome. As you know (or you might have forgotten) I went to Rome for a few days with my parents in February to have a look around and do plenty of sight seeing of course! We had a lovely time and I really enjoyed myself with looking around at all the buildings and walking along the cobbled streets. It was so beautiful. I was doing quite well with food before Rome at that point and in Rome (most of the time) I chose exactly what I wanted to eat and it felt so freeing. We were staying at a hotel so we had breakfast there in the mornings and I always chose something like a yogurt with granola, a fruit and a piece of bread. Then of course as we were doing lots of walking around it comes to lunch time and I was starving hungry πŸ˜› This actually made me feel better though because obviously I had to eat more than usual so I felt like I could justify it. So for lunches I would have had something like a salad or soup. And then dinners was when I really challenged myself the most. On the second night I had PIZZA. It was absolutely amazing and I am so happy that I did it. I have a picture so I might upload it sometime but it’s not on my computer.. Also, one of my favourite dinners there was ravioli with tomato sauce. It was heaven.

So that is the food side of the trip. There were a few ups and downs but I do feel that I coped pretty well. Coming back from Rome was where things started to go downhill. It was hard to continue taking my anti depressents while I was in Rome just because I genuinely forgot. Then when I came back home I gradually stopped taking them which is stupid I know. Then I was feeling very low and depressed and eventually I took an overdose. Im not going to go into that but idk, I think if I write it down then it might be a good thing. Picking myself up from that was hard but I eventually did it. And then I found myself restricting my food intake quite a lot which is where I am now. I have told my mum about it and im really trying to eat a sensible amount. My ed thoughts are really loud and completely consuming me at the moment but I am thankful that I have the most wonderful and supportive family around to help me.

And I think that’s it. Sorry this has beenΒ a bit of a negative post. I just thought I would let you all know where I have been and I think I am going to start blogging again because I did really enjoy it. Maybe you would like it if I posted some of my recipes as I have been cooking loads recently and loving it!

 

Update.

Hi

Sorry I haven’t been posting frequently.. I just wanted to say I am struggling a bit. I don’t really know what’s going on. I feel depressed and tired all the time and I just want to sleep for the whole day. I also haven’t been waking up till quite late in the morning if I am not at college, like today and then I find the whole of my morning has been wasted and it’s already the afternoon. And then I think to myself well there is no point in doing anything now so I usually end up just doing nothing all afternoon or watching television.

Another thing is that I have been off anti depressents now probably for just over a month. I never realised they were helping me but I think they actually were. My evenings are always horrible. I always end up lying on my bed all depressed with suicidal thoughts. I never thought it would get to this and I hate it. I also hate that I desperately want to see my therapist (I never thought I would be saying this) I want to start on these new anti depressents and I just want my mind to be at rest. I haven’t seen my therapist for about six weeks now and I probably won’t be seeing her next week either. Because I was silly and made plans with old school friends which I don’t plan on changing.

I am meeting two of my friends next Tuesday just for a nice catch up. I am sosososo nervous about it because I am just not a social person. I just really hope it goes okay and I also hope that they don’t cancel on me at the last minute. (this is a huge fear of mine) And then also on Tuesday, it is my sisters birthday. And she wants to go to an Indian restaurant for a meal. Im freaking out a bit but this is all good practice for Italy right?! I am scared of the calories and I am scared as Indian food isn’t really healthy. So Tuesday is going to be a big challenging day for me.

I’m back :)

Hello πŸ™‚

It’s been over a month since I have posted last so I thought I would do an update. I have been extremely busy with college work which is part of the reason why I have not posted for so long. The other reason is that I am struggling. I’m struggling quite a lot. Not with eating food but mostly with my depression and the awful thoughts that come from eating something that I enjoy. I have self harmed a few times which I am really quite ashamed about as I have never ever done that before. I have thought about it but never acted until recently. And I have also been having quite bad suicidal thoughts.

I don’t know why I am writing this because I doubt anyone will read it.. The good thing has been I have stuck with my horse riding. I have stuck with it and I still absolutely love it so im basically clinging onto it because I don’t want to lose it again. I have been feeling quite rubbish these past few weeks but horse riding is something that I absolutely love doing and I enjoy it so, so much. With the food, I have still been challenging myself and it feels awesome. I have even tried some cake based foods such as Cadbury mini rolls and Mr Kipling slices. And now that Christmas is near, it is my ultimate challege to try and eat something like a mince pie which I absolutely love.

Now, I found out something quite depressing today. I don’t know weather any of you in the UK like to eat those rice krispie squares bars? Well I found out that all of them have got gelatine in them. Even the chocolate ones which I love. Well I used to love them.. I won’t be eating them anymore as I am a vegetarian. I always made sure I steered clear from the ones with mardhmallow in because that is what contains gelatine but you would never have guessed that the chocolate ones contain any meat product in them as they don’t have any marshmallow in them. This has actually inspired me to make a blog post for all you veggies out there and I will basically include a list of products that are not vegetarian and that you should avoid. I totally blame the manufactureres on this one as they never ever write clearly is a product is vegetarian or not. So I thought that might be a cool thing to put on my blog πŸ™‚

I think I am going to continue with writing blog posts because I actually quite like it and find it theraputic. They just might not be up on here everyday as I am so busy recently. As I briefly said above, both my mum and me agree that my depression is getting a lot worse than it was before I started these tablets. My mum said she will contact my therapist so I am just waiting for a reply back now. I am really nervous of what they are going to do to be honest. :/ Like I don’t know if they will put me on a new set of tablets or what. I actually just want to come off the tablets altogether now because I didm’t even want them in the first place and deep down I knew that they wouldn’t help me at all even though they did at first.

Anyway, I will stop this post and hopefully I will be able to post soon. πŸ™‚

 

Long time, no post.

Hi πŸ™‚

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I haven’t been busy or anything but actually for the fist time in ages, things are really going well. I have been out with my family loads of times last week and we have been having picnics everyday. It has been really good and I have been really enjoying it. It feels so nice not to isolate myself from anyone anymore and actually feel alot more relaxed around my family.

We have been doing loads of different things. We went horse riding on tuesday as you know and we also went to a few houses that are owned by the national trust which was really interesting. And then yesterday me and my parents went to a zoo where they had seals, otters, puffins, fish and all those types of animals. It was really good! We have been there a few times but that was a while ago so when we went there yesterday they had an otter enclosure which they never had before and they where so cute!

The eating has been going really well also. I am continually eating my fear foods daily so they are begunning to become a lot less scary. Me and my mum are going to go shopping tomorrow for some more clothes and for lunch we are going to go to an Italian restaurant. Which will be a HUGE challenge for me so of course I will update you all on how it went. I haven’t been to restaurant since January! And I haven’t eaten with anyone since April so this really will be a huge achievement which I am nervous about but also looking forward to. I am so annoyed because I keep forgetting to take pictures of my food and put them up on here! Haha. One day soon I will though so keep your eyes peeled πŸ˜€ I am definately going to remember to take a picture of todays snack because it is a new found love of mine πŸ˜€

I will also be getting a letter back from the college that I applied to sometime soon where they will give me an interview date which I am quite nervous about! I hate interviews and I am really not a confident person at all so this will be interesting.

I feel like I am exploding with things to say but as soon as I sat down at the computer, they went out of my head again! Well, I haven’t really been doing much today. This morning I watched the Olypics for a while. I am loving the Olympics this year I have to say! Well I always love the Olympics. Haha. Then after that, me and my mum went down to the supermarket to get some stuff for tea. I got this morrocon hummus which looked really nice so I am going to have that tonight along with these homemade falafel burgers that my mum is making for me. They are delish! and then I came home and had lunch. I am back in love with cheese. I don’t know how I went for so long without it! Haha!

Well I hope everyone is having a good sunday πŸ˜€ Bye!