Food update.

I was going to write this yesterday but I was just too tired. I haven’t been sleeping well recently and if I do sleep then I feel like I am not refreshed in the morning. Just like really tired and sluggish. The food thing hasn’t really been going anywhere for me recently. I am struggling so much with restricting my intake and I’m sure all this anxiety I have going on isn’t really helping matters.

I’m just never hungry and that voice inside my head is going on at me for being such a pig. I hate this. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to get better. I’m not hungry so what’s the point in eating anyway and I am fat. So fat. I had a doctors appointment this morning because the surgery phoned me up to say he wants an appointment with me. I knew he would weigh me and he did. Apparently I haven’t seen him in six months. I’ve been putting it off because I know I’m overweight now so I won’t even class as having an eating disorder anymore. And then I told him that it upsets me to see my weight so he didn’t tell me what it was which sort of helped but the ed thoughts had already flooded through thick and fast.

Which led me to purging my breakfast this morning. And that’s not even the worst thing. The worst thing is that I should feel bad or at least care that I purged but I don’t. I want it all out of me and I want it out now. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going like this for.

Foods that are good for recovery.

Hello again 🙂

I was thinking what to blog about this morning and I thought I would do a sort of foods you could eat while recovering from any restricting type disorder. This is something that I really struggled with so I thought it might help any other people who are struggling to eat now. All my suggestions are just going to be guilt free options and also there will be some calorie dense options so you only need to eat a little bit of that food but still get a lot of calories in which is easier when you are recovering than eating loads of low calorie foods.

•  Peanut butter or any other type of nut butter- These are so good for you and also so addictive! You only need to have a tablespoon for 100 calories and that is hardly any volume so it won’t fill you up at all. Remember that yes it has got fat in it but these are healthy fats. Fats that you need for growth and for your body to repair itself. Also any type of nuts are a perfect way to get in easy calories as a large hanful is about 200 calories, again with hardly any volume so it won’t fill you up as much.

• Yogurt and other dairy- Dairy is so important especially when you are recovering from being very underweight as it makes your bones a lot stronger as anorexia can cause brittle bones so by eating lots of dairy it will help to strengthen them again. Yogurt is especially good I find because it’s very easy to eat as you don’t have to chew it, you can just swallow. I actually found it easier to drink things rather than eat them at the beguinning of recovery because I did find it quite hard to chew. But that did soon get better.

• Oil/butter to cook with- These are both really easy ways to get calories in as they are calorie dense just like nuts. So instead if steaming of boiling your vegetables you could roast them or fry them in a bit of oil and you seriously will not feel a bit fuller than if you had steamed them!

• Smoothies- These are good as they have so many good nutrients in them and again, it is easy to consume them as you don’t need to chew. You can get them in a variety of flavours and they are also quite calorie dense. I do find them a bit filling but it is whatever you pefer really. I love the “innocent” smoothies as they do them in a huge range of delichious flavours.

• Avocadoes, bananas and other high calorie fruits- Avocadoes are good as they have so many healthy fats in them so again they are good for repair and they are also very calorie dense so you don’t have to eat much of it to take in a lot of calories. And also bananas are brilliant to have just as a snack or for adding it in with breakfast. I usually have a banana everyday chopped up in my cereal for breakfast and it really helps me stay fuller for longer.

• Full fat dairy- This is a really important one for me because it’s not just the reason that dairy products have more calories in them than if they are low fat/fat free. But also my dietician told me that things like skimmed milk or fat free yogurts actually have all the nutrients stripped out of them as well. So you are not only missing out on calories but you are also missing out on the nutrients which is why dairy products are around in the first place.

There are lots of other things like cheese is really good for you and also seeded bread. I suggest that you try and include some of the more calorie dense foods in and also, it’s much easier to eat all of this when you are not counting the calories. I think it’s alright to know the calories that each food has got in it so then you know that you are not choosing the lowest calorie option each time but if you were to add everything together then it might freak you out a bit. It certainetly used to upset me when I was at the beguinning stages of gaining so that’s why I decided to stop counting then. But obviously everyone is different so you can just do whatever you feel comfortable with.

I hope this helps anyone who is trying to gain and recover from anorexia. Good luck, you can beat this. 🙂

Goals.

Hi,

So about two weeks ago me and my mum where discussing about going on holiday for a week in February. Holidays are hard for me as I had a bad experience when I went last year in August when I was struggling with my ED so we haven’t been on one since. I said I would go for it and now I think about it I am SO nervous. I am no where near ready to go on holiday yet so I have a whole list of goals that I want to complete before I go. We have decided to go to Rome which is in Italy and we have already booked the flights and everything. So actually I have mixed feelings: on one hand I am really nervous but on the other hand I am so excited and can’t wait to go! Here are my goals that all need to be completed before february when I go on holiday:

• Eat with my parents for dinner.
• Go out to a cafe to get a drink and maybe something to eat.
• Eat pizza.- I adore pizza and it’s from Italy so obviously I will need to have some there. But  haven’t had it in over a year.
• Go to a restaurant for dinner
• And just listen to my body.- I still struggle with doing this so I shall put it on my goals list.

Really, I am worried about everything when I go on holiday as the hotel is just bed and breakfast so I am worried about what time breakfast will be and also what will be for breakfast. And then the other two meals we are going to have to eat out at a restaurant which scares the hell out of me. Okay, right now I am thinking to myself why the hell did I say yes when my mum asked me if I would like to go on holiday. I am totally freaked out and wondering if I have done the right thing. I love going on holidays and I am sure we will be doing lots of walking so hopefuly that won’t be as bad and I will feel less guilty..

I got weighed today and I was so distraught when I had put on the three pounds to make me 49kg. I know it’s only three pounds but I am not joking, last night I actually saw that my stomach was sticking so far out and my thighs where all flabby that I knew it is real weight not water weight. So I can’t maintain on as much as I thought I could. The worse thing is I was still so hungry when I was eating that much. I could have eaten so much more! Which is what upsets me. I will just gain if I eat to my hunger..

I went into town this afternoon to buy some books to read to cheer me up. I must say, I am not the biggest fan of reading but I think I prefer true stories to fiction, so I bought two of them, dog related of course 😛 And two fiction books just to test out as they looked quite good. Well one of them looked funny and the other looked fantasy ish.

I never know how to end a blog post so I will just cut it here.. 😀

Rollor coaster

Hello everyone 🙂

Sorry I have been lacking on the posting again! I am going try and get back into posting once a day again though. My parents have gone away for a few days. They went away on Thursday, so yesterday and they get back on Sunday sometime which basically means that i am alone in following my meal plan and no-one is there to tell me to eat, I have to do it all on my own. So far things haven’t gone too bad, I have managed to stick to my meal plan for today and yesterday no matter how discusting, fat and depressed I feel. I skipped my evening snack last night which is always a bad thing becase if i happened to skip just once then I would most likely skip the next day and then it becomes a habit that i can’t break out of. I will definately be having my snack this evening though. I am finding eating quite tricky at the moment and on wednesday evening is when i purged. I feel so guilty because a part inside me knows that that was the wrong thing to do and it is so unhealthy. But there is another part insisting that I really am eating too much and that I will never be a normal weight like everyone else, I will just go straight on to being overweight. I had to cancel my doctors appointment that I was meant to have on wednesday, where i should have got weighed because I was literally terrified of seeing the number go up. Everytime I have seen I have gained weight I have just gone home crying and I really diden’t want that to happen as I knew that I would restrict for the rest of the day.

I have not had a bad day today considering how low I have been feeling recently. I haden’t actually realised that I was feeling down until last night and then thats when i really started feeling depressed and I did not want to get up this morning. I did though. I got up, had breakfast and then had a shower and washed my hair and then i went downstairs and watched my favourite tv show. And I even managed to challenge myself for lunch as i had a seeded roll from the bakery and it was an unknown calorie item. I am so impressed that I managed to do that! It was lovely as well 🙂 I then did a bit of yoga and then I took my dogs out for a walk up the road. I actually felt really good after I had gotten some fresh air, it was just really nice. I then came home and made dinner for me and my sister. I can’t believe I actually ate with someone today! I haven’t eaten with anyone since about April! But she said she would eat with me as last night everyone had gone out when it was time for me to eat and I just found it really hard.

I am not sure what I am going to do this evening. Probably just watch tv or something!

I hope everyone has a good evening and i will be posting tomorrow, even if I have nothing remotely interesting to say!